FI thinks registering is rude

posted 3 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 2
Member
3959 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

LarLa:   You aren’t asking for things.  You are giving much appreciated guidance to guests who already want to give you a gift.   Very few guests want to come to a wedding empty handed, and precious few newlyweds want eight crystal bowls. 

Registering is common and accepted.  It isn’t the big deal he is making it out to be.  

Post # 3
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

LarLa:  We registered and have had great success with our registry. My friends/family appreciated getting the registry info in the shower invite, too. All they needed to do was type our registry number in and select something to purchase. Plus, everything is what we wanted and we won’t need to return scads of things after the wedding. I think it’s expected for a couple to register – no one has to buy you something off of it or buy you anything at all. It’s merely a practical guide for your guests.

Post # 4
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

LarLa:  registrys are important because they help guests (who very often want to give you something) pick out a gift. It does not mean that people HAVE to buy you something. Without them, picking gifts is often a shot in the dark which is frustrating for the guests! I do not think that they are rude. If you have items that were all over $100 on your registry that could be considered rude but a simple registry with a variety of price points to accomodate each guests budget (if they wish to give you a gift) is completely acceptable 🙂

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Tallulah_.
Post # 5
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

My fiance only wants money, doesn’t want to register all. He even wants to add “Monetary Gifts Only” on the INVITES!!! imagine my horror!!!

Post # 6
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

here’s the thing, registering isn’t asking for gifts at all unless you stick a registry insert in with the invites.  if you register and a guest searches your names online & finds your registry & then buys you a gift, that’s on the guest- you didn’t do a single thing to get that registry info to the guest.  for most weddings/showers I’ve been to, I search the couples’ names to figure out where they’re registered.  so maybe you can use that example to convince him that registering is not impolite.

also, whever I life, if someone doesn’t register for their wedding, it’s a sign that they’re asking for cash gifts.  tell your FI that because asking for cash is (in the US at least) worse than registering on the scale of what’s rude/appropriate.

Post # 7
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I felt the same way for the same reason.  We did get multiples of a few things, but people  are generally very good about buying from places where it is easy to return.  Truth be told, the majority of our guests tend to give checks as wedding gifts but I would have felt the same way in either case.  It just wasn’t about the gifts for me. 

Registries have never fully approved in traditional etiquette circles.  Miss Manners, for example, still disdains them.  They were started by a department store as a promotion for sales, originally meant for the bride to keep track of her silver and china collection. Even the more liberal sources, such as Emily Post, say that registry  information should only be spread by word of mouth or very discreetly in a simple link on the website. 

Certainly, there should be no mention of a registry in or in a wedding invitation. 

 There’s nothing wrong with a shower as long as it’s not thrown by you or close family, but they are supposed to be low key events, not for major, wedding type gifts. I didn’t want  one, but if someone had thrown me a surprise shower anyway, I suppose people would have had to shop the old fashioned way.  Most people would not bring a check to a shower, even with no registry. Your MOH could properly  give guidance to people who ask specifically for suggestions ie ” They don’t have a registry, but I  know they could use some bath towels” or ” I know she likes to shop at Crate and Barrel.” 

Post # 8
Member
3713 posts
Sugar bee

LarLa: Just cut to the chase and do your own registry, for your bridal shower. And if your FH says anything, tell him he can spend 4 days driving around returning gifts you’ll never use, like I had to do. I had a registry and everyone ignored it, but two guests, although most of the gifts on the wedding day were cash/checks, I got multiples of everything…  

Post # 9
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

LarLa:  Your husband is absolutely right that asking for gifts is rude.  

Registries are merely a list of items you would like to acquire.  They are only rude if they are advertised.  

Registry information shouldnonly ever be given if it is asked for.  If people want to know what you might like as a gift/where you’re registered, it is fine to tell them.  Or they can easily look up this information for themselves with a quick google search.  

Putting registry info in the invitations or otherwise foisting it on people who have expressed no interest is indeed rude.  

Handled correctly, you and your FI should both be happy.

Post # 10
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Astra:  Sorry, no.  It is not up to the bridal couple to “guide” their guests gift giving and no, the guests don’t appreciate being told what to buy.  If they want to know if you’re registered, they’ll ask.

Post # 11
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

The place where I work is a place where people get a lot of wedding gifts. I cant tell you how many times I have heard “They said they didnt want anything, but ITS THEIR WEDDING, I have to get them SOMETHING.” 

A lot of people will want to get you something as a gift to celebrate your wedding. A registry isnt asking for gifts, its giving the people who want to buy you gifts an idea of what you would like. And, like you said, it helps prevent you getting multiples of the same gift. Now, there isnt any guarantee that there wont be people who ignore your registry and you end up with 3 coffee makers from Target, but a registry at least helps to avoid that. 

Post # 12
Hostess
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t think registries are rude, but I’m sure there are some people who might. You shouldn’t put them on your invitation, though. We have a “registry” page on our website that simply says, “we are registered at the following locations”, with a link to each one. You don’t need anything else than that.

Post # 13
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

He’s right. But, it’s pretty standard to register. And for once I agree with Zhabeego, that really it’s a list of things you would like to acquire. Plus, you get a completion discount to use on whatever you want to purchase yourself later. It’s only ASKING for gifts if you flaunt where you are registered. he’s more than welcome to tell people that you don’t need or want anything but their support. But on the other hand, the people who do really want to buy you a gift and don’t have a registry to work off may get frustrated. It’s just a guideline for those that really do want to.

Post # 14
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

LarLa:  Recruit his mom or another trusted family member to explain to him why you need a registry.

Post # 15
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

We didn’t register, but I think most of our guests would have preferred if we did! We got asked many times where we were registered, and one couple even asked us if we please would because they would prefer to have some direction! 

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