FI Using Wedding Against Me

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@ElayneRunner:  Honestly that would make me so mad I’d tell him that maybe I need to think about whether or not I still want to marry him and I’d be serious. That’s insane. You’re supposed to be building a life together and yet he threatens to kick you out and cancel the wedding. That would make me insecure for sure.

Post # 4
Member
4893 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

As immature as it is, I’d call his bluff. Next time he says cancel the wedding, I’d say fine And hold off planning for a while. When he says something about kicking you out, I’d leave for a few days.

 

Post # 5
Member
3955 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@ElayneRunner:   Have you guys been to counseling at all?  Making threats is not part of a healthy relationship.  He needs to find another way to express his anger/frustration whatever.  That is not productive communication.

I’m so sorry.  *hugs*  

Post # 6
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@ElayneRunner:  that’s really awful of him. It sounds like he doesn’t understand how to argue in a constructive way. It’s very unhealthy communication.

A few years ago, FI and I went through a bit of a rough patch where we argued quite a bit. He would say that he didn’t really like me or things along those lines (I don’t think he used the word “hate” but it was still hurtful). It made me feel really awful and lose confidence in our relationship, which lead to more fighting.

Eventually I confronted him about it. He said his intent was never to hurt me, and that he didn’t mean any of the things he said. He admitted that when he was growing up, “I hate you” and the like got thrown aorund a lot during arguments, because his younger brother is autistic and he says that a lot when he’s angry. So for FI, saying “I hate you” or something like that, never meant anything, it was basically just something to say when angry.

I explained that it was very different for me–when I would fight with my mom or sisters, saying “I hate you” was something to purposefully hurt the other person. So when he would say something like that to me, I took it personally.

After FI understood how these sort of words had very different meanings for the both of us, he stopped. His intent was never to hurt me, but to release anger that he otherwise had trouble expressing. It took awhile, but we changed our fighting style in a way that became much more constructive.

I’m not really sure what advice to give you, because it seems like you’ve already told him that it’s hurtful when he makes those threats. I do think it’s good that you left after he told you to “get out”–you called his bluff and made him realize that he’s wrong. The positive is that he doesn’t really want to call of the wedding. But that doesn’t make it any easier to hear, even when it is an empty threat. Maybe you should call his bluff again.

So sorry you’re dealing with this *hugs*

 

ETA: I do agree with PP’s that what he’s doing is emotionally abusive. It’s different from my situation, because he’s not listening to you when you say that it’s hurtful. (also, we were younger and just dating at the time, and not living together)

Post # 7
Member
6891 posts
Busy Beekeeper

If anyone ever said that kind of thing to me, he’d very soon get exactly what  he had wished for.  That is below the belt in the most hurtful way and it is emotional abuse.  There would be no wedding if this kind of behavior is supposed to be tolerated as normal.  It is not.  

Post # 9
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@ElayneRunner:  Honey, this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. Emotional abuse is still abuse and not acceptable.

Post # 10
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Uh, I think his way of “dealing” with things is incrediably immature and hurtful.  Not just hurtful in the short term (like to your feelings), but actually hurtful to the relationship.    I think couples counseling is in order, because a therapist may be able to help him see that the way he currently “deals” with things is not condusive to a strong relationship.  You’ve already talked to him and he seems to have refused to even consider your feelings here…I mean, he’s basically saying that him hurting you this way is ok and he doesn’t care.  I would be SO mad. He’s essentially being emotionally abusive and manipulative (threatening to take away something you want if you don’t behave).    If he doesn’t actually MEAN it, he shouldn’t SAY it. Period.  

I mean, what happens when you two get married? Will he threaten to divorce you if he is angry or if you snap at him??  I couldn’t live like that, on eggshells waiting to see when the next time he threatened to leave or cancel something if I didn’t behave.   

 

I don’t think “faking” a breakup or “fake” cancelling the wedding is a good idea though AT ALL.   That also stinks of manipulation, and I think has a huge potential of backfiring on you pretty significantly.   

Post # 11
Member
4909 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

@weddingmaven:  

This.  It is emotional abuse & he’s using it to control you.

Post # 12
Member
3955 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@ElayneRunner:   I understand the difficulty of opening up to a stranger – I feel the same way – but mentioned counseling since I thought it might help HIM to hear from a third party that what he is saying is not respectful, not helpful, and very painful to you.  I’d go beyond “borderline” abusive – I really think that threatening to toss you aside like a crumpled up ball of paper IS abuse.  

Post # 14
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@ElayneRunner:  that definitely explains a lot of it. I think the way that your family fights when you’re growing up impacts how you fight as an adult. I know you said you aren’t into the idea of therapy, but has he ever been? It might be helpful for him to go even on his own so he can understand the impact his childhood has had on your relationship.

Post # 16
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 It sounds like he has no idea HOW to fight fairly, and he’s probably  copying how he’s seen other couples fight. When you’re both calm, lay some ground rules that you can both agree on. Some standard ones are: no name calling, no threats, agreeing to let the other party walk away and cool off if needed, no bringing up past fights, etc. The rules are different for everyone, it’s what works for the both of you.

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