Post # 1
Okay Bees. I’d like to think I’m pretty open-minded and nonjudgemental (usually, anyhow) but this really takes the cake. My fiance has a ‘best friend’ (his words) that he also used to date. To give a bit of history, when FI and I first met, this girl was doing time in prison for various offences (endangering the lives of her kids, or something drug related, I don’t know the specifics).
Well, she got out of prison sometime last year, and they have talked maybe half a dozen times via FB or some messenger, and a couple of phone calls. She supposedly is engaged to someone (that was put in jail for domestic abuse recently), has a job at some strip club, etc. They don’t actually hang out, but FI has expressed the idea that she wanted to meet me. I really don’t want to meet her, nor do I want anything to do with her. I am having a difficult time with this, and I’ve told him that I have no desire to meet up with someone he’s had sex with. He still thinks I should meet her anyways.
Bees, what is your honest opinion?
Post # 3
Personally I wouldn’t want to either!! On the other hand I think it’s awesome that he is open enough with you to introduce you to her. It might not be a bad thing but the choice is yours don’t feel pressured into anything 🙂
Post # 4
Why would he want this woman in his life in general? She sounds like a hot mess.
Post # 5
@Sweet_Tea: Shouldn’t you be his best friend? You don’t need people like that in your life so I’d tell him no effing way.
Post # 6
This is wrong at so many levels. (1) Aren’t you his best friend? (2) Why is he so keen to keep a friendship with an ex going? (3) Why is he so keen to meet an ex who is a criminal?
My gut feeling is she wants to meet you two to get money out of the two of you.
Post # 7
@MaiS2B: Thanks, I refuse to let him pressure me into it. I’m pretty adamant that I don’t want to meet her.
@deetroitwhat: I asked him that myself. He just says that they used to be friends before, like a friend-with-benefits thing but it didn’t work out, so they remained friends, and was surprised that I’d never had an “f-w-b”.And yeah, she does seem like a hot mess from what he’s told me about her.
@babecake: He does consider me a best friend, but I’ve always been of the opinion you can have more than one best friend. And considering he doesn’t really hang out with her in person, it almost seems as though she’d just be ‘friend’ or ‘ex’ but not ‘best friend.’
@paula1248: Pretty much most of his ex’s were um, well, let’s just say I’m the best thing that ever happened to him (not to sound conceited). His own mother calls me her angel sent from heaven. So yeah, he’s dated some real pieces of work. And I don’t know why she would try to get money out of us, we’re not rich by any means.
@Sheepshead: I agree, I don’t have room for people like her in my life, and while I don’t have any nearby friends here, I don’t care to become friends with her out of desperation. I’d rather be alone than have bad news people around me. She’s irrational, quick to anger, irresponsible, and not anything like I’d want in a friend anyways!
Oh, and I also informed FI that we are NOT inviting her to the wedding, just in case he had any weird ideas about that.
Post # 8
I’m more on the fence than the previous posters. She’s not really an ‘ex.’ She’s an ex friends with benefits. I have several friends who have been able to keep the f-w-b thing going without ever crossing the friendship line. The way he (might) see her is as an old friend, who he cares about and thinks nothing of their sexual past, whose been in a spot of trouble- And of course he wants to have the love of his life meet his friends!
I by no means think you need to do it, but I don’t think it was out of line for your FI to ask. Tell him no, because you are uncomfortable with it and he should respect that, but it would be unnecessary and possibly hurtful to say things like “no effing way” or “are you crazy!?”
Post # 9
@thepainter: Yeah, he’s been sort of vague about their former relationship. He’s called her an ex girlfriend (and mentioned how her kids liked him, etc), and other times referred to her as just a friend (with benefits previously). I’m not sure if he’s trying to minimize their former relationship to appease me or what. Either way, he f***ed her, and I don’t wanna meet her. Plain and simple. I wouldn’t expect him to want to meet any of my exes. I had already told him, calmly, and without even swearing, that I had no interest in meeting her, and did not want to meet her, period. Part of me wonders if she is wanting to meet me to see how he ‘upgraded’ or something, but that could be insecurity, I don’t know. 😐
Post # 10
My FI’s best friend (except from me) is really an ex of his, and as weird as it might sound stated just like that, it does really make sense if you know the details. So I expected to click something like “sure, go ahead and meet her”! Then I read your post and decided to go for the last option. She’s been to jail for, well none of those options are great, and she’s together with another prisoner?! Eh, no. That would be a simple “No and are you crazy?” on my behalf.
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
@Sweet_Tea: Glad you cleared up the wedding question, I was worried while reading your op
Post # 12
@eocenia: Yeah, I know people can be friends with exes in some cases, however, something about this girl screams “bad news” to me (besides the obvious). And she spent 2 years in prison (diff than jail). Her new fiance just got arrested for domestic violence (he hit her 18 yr old daughter, who happens to be pregnant).
@MeiFrancis: Yeah, I figured some might wonder about that. If she has the cajones to show up at the wedding or reception, I am not kidding, I will go bridezilla and throw the BIGGEST fit anyone in my entire family has ever seen. Dramatic, yes, but dammit, it’s our wedding, not hers.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t want to meet her, but because of her actions she sounds like nothing but trouble.
Post # 14
@Sheepshead: Agreed. And FI doesn’t always have common sense when it comes to people’s feelings.
I don’t want to deal with drama involving her, her abusive man, behavior, or anything. I don’t need poison in my life.
Post # 15
honestly, i wouldn’t be engaged to a man that had a “best friend” that i had never met, let alone one that was his ex and is as messed up as this girl sounds.
Post # 16
Okay, so I voted “just meet her” before I read the story. So long as he’s over the ex, I fully support maintaining that relationship. After reading the story, I’d keep “just meet her” and add in “he’s crazy for asking” because she sounds crazy, and even if she isn’t, a huge mess and a downer to add to your life. I’d still meet her to meet her and get context, and then assuming things go poorly, tell him she’s not your cup of tea. He can’t get mad at you for judging her if you’ve actually met her because then it’s actually based on who SHE is. Do it at a coffee shop or something. Plus if he sees her with you maybe he’ll remember she’s not as awesome as he remembers (memories are always slightly more favourable than reality), plus then he’ll have the direct comparison of you vs him and how much better his life is now and how much higher his standards are (not just for gfs, but for people in his life in general). I think not seeing her just magnifies the issue.