Post # 1
- Wedding: February 2015 - Mount Hermon
FI has been living with his aunt and uncle for the past year, which was very generous of them and we appreciate it. But they want their spare room back now, (totally fair) and we’re apartment hunting. In San Jose. On a small budget.
I want to get the apartment that we will have after we get married, largely because I do NOT want to be apartment hunting right before our wedding, trying to move, and all kinds of miserable stressful things. I want to be able to focus on our wedding. Also, most leases are a year and we’re getting married in February.
He wants to save money by moving in with housemates. It would save us a couple hundred dollars a month, but I want to be alone with him, leading up to and CERTAINLY right after our wedding.
I want to have our kitchen with our things and a bathroom that we do not share. I want to be able to walk around naked in OUR home (not just our bedroom) with MY fiance/husband.
I feel like he thinks I’m unreasonable but I think he’s willing to bend on no roommates after we get married. But he wants to move in somewhere like that now, and then move again in January (we’re getting married in February). I don’t even want that. We met in college and we always had roommates, and I don’t feel like we’ve ever been truly alone. And if we do that, we’re back to stressful apartment hunting/moving right before our wedding.
Am I being too demanding? Or unreasonable? Do I need to bend on something?
Post # 2
I feel you! After living with my FI though college with roommates, we are both happy to be on our own.
I think there is value in both your viewpoints – his idea is great financially, yours is good if you consider day-to-day living (if you value privacy). Your FI may not value the same things you do (privacy, stability, etc) and may not understand what the big deal is, if he is motivated primarily by finances or something else. Maybe is is just used to always having other people around or likes to live with a social group.
Personally, for us, moving into our own place well before the wedding was a great decision, and has minimized stress for both of us. I do not think you are being selfish or unreasonable.
My suggestion is to try to get to the root cause of why he wants roommates and address that. Have an in-depth conversation where you lay out what you want (and WHY), and have him do the same, and discuss and try to come to a compromise.
EDIT: regarding the bending, its hard in this case. Either you have roommates or you don’t! But there are other scenarios you can discuss, such as maybe buying your own home and then allowing roommates when you feel comfortable, living in an apartment building and having a social life through neighbors (but still having a sanctuary for the two of you), finding an apartment for just a year (so you can deal with the wedding) and revisit at a later date, etc. It all depends on what the motivations for both of you actually are, and finding creative ways to address both.
Post # 3
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. If your budget truly doesn’t allow for it, then you may have to make some sacrifices, but you should be able to find something that works. My SO and I have been living together for 1.5 years (long distance for 3). He brought up having a friend of his move in with us when we moved back to our home state and I shot it down immediately. One of my own friends brought up casually sharing space with the two of us and I shot that down too.
It is really important as a couple to be on the same page about living space, so I would just lay out your concerns honestly and openly with your FI. Like you said, it is also important that you live alone together. And roommates aren’t as easy to deal with as a SO/FI IMO — you aren’t as committed/loyal to them and fights/disagreements can break out often. I think you’ve got all the right reasons, you should definitely talk to your FI. Unless, of course, it is literally impossible to find anything with your budget, then you may have to compromise. But moving right before your wedding sounds like a nightmare.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
AllyCRN: Yeah you’re being perfectly reasonable. If you can afford it, it’s worth paying a little more to not live like college kids… I don’t think you can really experience your marriage 100% if you have roommates always around. I would just try to explain how important that is to you, and maybe offer to cut back on any type of extraneous spending you do to contribute more to the cost?
Post # 5
I would rather live in a tiny apartment than have roommates! You aren’t being unreasonable at all.
Post # 6
AllyCRN: I get where you’re coming from. I too would want the same thing as you. I would sacrifice other things, or work some OT or a 2nd job just to have some freedoms and things you would like. Roommates are a pain in the ass (to live with – to be friends with after the arrangement is over, is another story). I’m sure your budget will let up a little after the wedding is over as well.
Post # 7
If it was a longer period of time until your wedding, I would say the roommate could provide a nice financial cushion. My SO and I will have a roommate probably right up until our June 2015 wedding, unless he leaves earlier on his own, or we decide we like the money and let him stay longer!
But moving now (for October 1?) and then in January is a definite no for me.
Post # 8
You are being completely reasonable. My FI lived with roommates for years, but as his girlfriend I never felt truly comfortable and relaxed because of the others living in the house. Don’t get me wrong, they were nice, but it gets to the point where a couple needs their own space. Marriage is definitely the time for that.
I also completely agree with you on trying to find the space before you are married. You don’t want to have to worry about moving and deciding on an apartment while you are getting everything figured out for the wedding. That might be too stressful.
Good luck to you.
Post # 9
My FI wanted to move into a house with his BFF and his FI and I was completely against it. I’m a very private person and wasn’t really comfortable with these people at the time and it turned out to be the best decision ever. Not only did they cancel their wedding, they were going through a rough patch and split for awhile. The whole time, FI BFF kept calling and wanting to hang out. Had we been there, he’d probably be bugging us 24/7. They eventually got back together and are getting married at a later date but they are always having people over and letting them stay overnight. We definitely dodged a bullet with that call and are happily living in our own apartment.
Post # 10
I don’t think you could even find a place to live for 4 months between October and your wedding. Most lease agreements last at least 6 months. It might be financially worse for you to get a lease that lasts for a few months and then break it, or pay $100s more for a month to month lease.
As far as roommates, for most commited couples they are a bad idea. The space that you can argue shrinks, and the people you can throw into proxy battles in your relationship grows. You don’t have to communicate over the day to day. If you are messy and FI wants you to clean up, he doesn’t have to be the one to tell you, he can tell roommate to tell you to clean up. Learning how to argue and share space is a huge part of a relationship, and the longer you put it off the harder it can be.
Post # 11
AllyCRN: Not demanding, but I will say that we lived with roommates for about 5 years. It enabled us to save a TON of money. I have no student loans, SO is in school but will have all loans paid off within a year of graduation, we have retirement investments, and enough money for a downpayment on a house. I’m 27 and he’s 30. To me, that was worth it. Now we have our own place and I love it, actually those roommate years were some pretty good times, and it was definitely the smartest decision for us. It’s all about what you really want, I see reasoning on both sides. All I know is that we’re in a grat financial situation now, and for us that would not have been possible without lots of roommates (we live in NYC).
Post # 12
AllyCRN: i feel you!!
this was an issue we had earlier this year. It was really hard to find somewhere in our budget, between our jobs, that allowed dogs without having room mates. I did it before and never had a bad experience it just wasnt something i wanted to do again unless i had to.
Might i suggest guest house situation. We were able to compromise on looking for guest homes as it was MUCH more affordable than an apartment and most of the time utilities are included which is also another money saver. There are detached and atatched situations.
We have moved into an attached guest home that has a private portion of the backyard and our own patio, there is no access from their home to ours. We have a living room, kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. It’s a great neighborhood and we dont have to deal with apartment parking! It is also about $200 cheaper than the 2 bedroom apartments we were looking at nearby and that is before we would add utilities and extra rent for the dog. Luckily, this includes cable and wifi and all of our utilities are only $75!
It took a while to find this great deal. Find something that suits you and you will both be happy, but just a suggestion to look into other routes. I know most people dont think of guest homes but i have always has great experiences with them.
Post # 13
My SO and I were long distance for a year while I finished law school. When I graduated, I moved back to his city (where I had previously lived) to find a job and took an unpaid fellowship while I looked. I moved in with him and his roommate. SO’s roommate, SO and I were all coworkers and friends before I went to law school. I moved in with them in September, and found a job in February. SO and I moved out and into our own place together in April. It has been SO different, and our relationship has really grown from living alone together. And this is despite the fact that our roommate was a mutual friend, and he had a full time job and was a part time graduate student and had a girlfriend whose place he frequently stayed in – so he was rarely home. If it’s at all possible, I’d definitely recommend trying to find your own place.
Post # 14
Think of it from the perspective of potential renters, I would not bother with people that only were looking to rent for a few months. Then I have to start looking for new tenants all over again. It just doesn’t make sense and it’s likely not worth the amount you will actually save after factoring in moving expenses, etc. Nevermind the hassle of moving twice!! The pros absolutely do not outweigh the cons in my opinion. Maybe this thread will help shed some light for him.
Post # 15
Misswhowedding: jny1179: +1
With break fees from the first lease and two lots of estate agent fees and moving van fees, and all within 4 months, I really don’t think this would save you money at all! And I think your reasoning is totally valid, I would feel the same.