(Closed) FI wants something that I feel comes at a price

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@marzipanda:  Do you want to work? He shouldn’t be dictating what you can and can not do, esp if he is your FUTURE DH.  One thing that may be a compromise though, what did you get your degree in? Is there a possibility of doing an internship or fellowship somewhere that you could gain experience in a field and only do a few hours a week? Internships are SO helpful in certain professions that taking the time to do them is really beneficial, but you don’t get paid! Volunteering your time can be really fulfilling, so if you have the chance to do it, I would! Also, compromising for the time before you get married would be nice — as long as he knows your intention is to work (if it is).  If not, you could have many issues along the way!

Post # 5
3050 posts
Sugar bee

You are your own person and you need to be able to support yourself. I would never feel comfortable depending on someone for everything. It puts you in a weak position & his demands will only make that worse. That said, if he simply wants you to wait a couple of months AND has the ability to pay for all your daily & wedding expenses then maybe just focus on planning & know that you will start looking in April. 

Post # 6
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

From the sound of it, your FI’s pov may be coming from a combination of cultural pride and not wanting to lose out on time with you on his off times. By pride, I don’t mean the negative kind. My FI once told me that it makes him feel really good to be able to support us both by himself and more manly in some ways. This is coming from a man who is a feminist and completely supportive of whatever choice I make regarding working. 

Is there a possibility for creative workarounds? Rather than looking for a retail/hospitality job, you can search for a job in your field. Since you said that the current gov’t isn’t as conducive to your line of work, it may take a while to find a job anyway. If you happen to find one, he might be more receptive to having you apply and (hopefully) take the position. In the meantime, you can focus on planning the wedding!  Four months gives you time, but it may take up more of your day, and that might not be possible with a side job.

For the long term, it would be good to have a calm and serious sit down to lay out the issues for your FI as you have in your post. Maybe you already have, but it’s worth repeating if only to stress how important this is to you. If you find the discussion beginning to turn into an argument, you can try nipping it in the bud by saying that it’s not worth fighting over since there are no immediate serious prospects. Just a thought. Good luck!

Post # 7
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@marzipanda:  hmmm. is this cultural? South Asian cultures are different than western ones and maybe hes reverting to that status quo?

I personally think if you have a degree, use it but hey i’m a modern lady!

Post # 8
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I don’t agree that this is cultural. I lived in Malaysia for years and whilst it is still the norm for Chinese/Malay women to give up work when they have young kids, they usually work both before and afterwards. I’m a bit worried about this, because I think he seems very controlling. And, by the way, it is not the norm for middle class Malaysian men to tell their wives to make them dinner etc etc either. If they are that demanding, they would usually just get a live in maid instead.

Post # 9
533 posts
Busy bee

In the current job market, I wouldn’t be waiting till after the wedding to work. How are you going to explain a four month gap? 

Honestly if this was me I’d tell him to shut up and deal with it. I’m not comfortable with being dependant on anyone. I also don’t want to be unemployed for a lenght of time either. 

Post # 10
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013


This is something you two should agree on before getting married. Do you want to work? 

Post # 11
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My hubby is Chinese Malaysian, and he doesn’t have that kind of attitude at all.  In fact, his mother worked full time while raising 4 children.  Do you think his attitude is going to be different once you’re married?  You might want to figure that out before making the commitment of marriage.  When I was younger, I was engaged to a man who was very controlling and he was the same way when it came to me and working.  I couldn’t get married under those terms.

Post # 12
3050 posts
Sugar bee

@Milo:  in this market, a 4 month gap is absolutely nothing.

OP- you are you’re own person & wanting to contribute is not a bad thing. 

Post # 13
3767 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree with the posters who say red flag. I would even tell him it’s a red flag and express your concerns about the future. It sounds like you haven’t defined what your “roles” will be in the marriage, and you clearly have different assumpttions. Please talk and get on the same page, or if he’s not willing to compromise that’s something you need to find out. He cannot tell you not to work, and you guys are not even married!

Post # 14
3689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I see this as a big red flag.  He’s trying to control you.  If he makes all the money, he gets to dicatate everything you do.  That’s not right.

My husband makes enough money that I wouldn’t have to ever work again if I didn’t want to.  He said that’s what we could do if I thought it would make me happy.  I’m in school now so that I can get to a point where I can take care of myself comfortably should the need arise.  I want my own career, though.  And he’s 100% supportive of that.  He’s paying for everything right now because I can’t handle a job and school at the same time (it’s why I dropped out of college when I was younger).  But he would never tell me he after graudation that it wasn’t ok with him for me to get a job.  

Post # 15
3118 posts
Sugar bee

It would concern me if my husband tried to control when and where I worked. I think your husband should support you in what you would like to do especially if you are wanting to help support your family. I would talk to him about how you don’t feel like you are comfortable with him telling you what to do, rather than asking you to do something and respecting your decision if you decide to do otherwise. 

Post # 16
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Red flag. You want to work. You have a degree. I worry about any woman having no job experience. How will you support yourself or your kids if anything happens to him or if you get divorced? Don’t let him bully you into not working! His pride is HIS issue not yours. This is 2012.

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