Post # 1
The other night Fiance and I were in the car, and he tells me that he wants me to take two of his GI Bill years (you can do that if you’re married) and finish my education – whatever that will be – and he wants to stay home with our future kids.
His original plan was to become a clinical social worker, but he’s thinking that with his PTSD that may not be possible. Meanwhile, I’ve been looking into the profession since I’ve been trying to figure out what to do and I think it would be a good fit for me. We’ve already agreed that we always want someone home with the kids, and we are extremely fortunate that our finances are such that we would only need one good income coming in, so it could certainly be done. It’s just a bit odd to me. Not the “I’m working and my husband is at home with the kids” part, that’s totally fine and actually pretty cool. I think it’s that I’m venturing into uncharted territory. Both of my parents always worked, so that’s the format that I’m used to. But I had a Grandma that I stayed with after school and Fiance and I wouldn’t have that so the money we’d save in childcare will more than make up for the finances.
EDIT: I should add that he’s extremely excited at the thought of staying home with our kids. He considers it a full time job and can’t wait to do it.
Anyone have any experience with this? Did anyone stay home with their Dad, or are you planning for a similar scenario?
Post # 3
My step dad worked at night, my mom during the day. It’s not the same thing, but I was with my step dad all day. = ) It wasn’t weird. He did all the cooking and cleaning stuff.
Post # 4
We are not currently in that situation but if one of us would stay home we would choose my hubs since I am the breadwinner and I am OK with this idea entirely. If the hubs would be itching to work, he has the opportunity to open his own business. We are both in the IT world, so he could start a desktop/network/server support company where he can work from home.
Unfortunately, it isn’t something we can do right now since we also support my Father-In-Law but I am sure if we wanted this to happen it can be done.
Post # 5
Hopefully, further on down the line when we’re ready to have kids, we’ll have the finances to allow us to do this. Fiance told me from the beginning he wants to be a stay at home dad, and that’s perfectly fine with me. Both of my parents worked growing up, so I also stayed with my grandmother for a fair amount of the day until we got older. Then my mom stayed home with us most of the time. FI’s parents both worked full-time, and they stayed at day cares/after school programs. That never changed.
Post # 6
My husband would also like to stay at home with our kids. Unfortunately, he will always make more money than I do, so staying at home full-time isn’t an option for us. But right now he’s working toward a management position so he can start working from home 2-3 days a week. Hopefully he’ll be working from home part-time within the next 2-4 years (or before we have our next baby!).
Honestly, I think my husband would be a much better stay-at-home parent than I would be. He’s really self-motivated and good at setting goals for himself. I seriously accomplish nothing during the day without outside motivators. 🙂 It’s just not my personality. It might not be “mainstream,” but for us it just makes more sense for my husband to stay at home.
Post # 7
My cousin’s husband is a stay-at-home dad. He was a police officer (in a bad area) and when they had children, they decided his job was too dangerous. Luckily she make plenty of money (and loves her job), and so now he stays home with the kids. He really likes it (and has been doing it for 10 years now), and with her being a career-minded woman, it was a great solution for them.
Post # 8
Do you think that his PTSD will cause problems at all if he’s around little kids crying all day? I know that social work is stressful, but so is being a stay at home parent.
Post # 9
@ ejs: The thought crossed my mind and I discredited it just as quickly. The answer is simply no. Whereas some people with PTSD can have violent outbursts, his symptoms are that he can’t sleep at night (he takes medication for that) and has severe social anxiety (that too). He has never shown any violent tendencies whatsoever and certainly not to me, the children we’re around, any of our family members, or our pets. Plus, he’s undergone extensive therapy for his illness and continues to see a therapist every couple of weeks. I can think of plenty of people off the top of my head that are more likely to snap than he is, and none of them have been to war.
Post # 10
If we could survive on just my income, I wouldn’t have a problem with him being a stay at home dad. But right now, we can’t. We need both incomes… unless he gets into the career he wants where he can use his degree. Until then, we’ll need both incomes.
Post # 11
I am so excited to read this! I love seeing “everyday people” shifting social norms. As much as we talk and hypothesize and lament the inequality associated with many gender norms, it is only when people actually DO something that it can change. Yay for you and your future family. And honestly, it sounds like such a good setup for you both. Good luck when the tme comes!
Post # 12
Oh, that’s good to hear. I felt bad bringing it up, but it is a reality. I know women have woken up with their husbands choking them for PTSD after they got back from Iraq. I had to sit through a bunch of presentations for it, but luckily Darling Husband only came back with mild depression that went away quickly. I’m glad he’s seeing a therapist though! I hope he can get some help–that war is messing up so many of our good men and women. Can he get medical leave for it or anything? Disability or whatever? If he’s physically unable to work, well, sounds like a military disability issue to me. But they’re stinkers about it–DH has a tendon that disappeared during deployment (combat boots or something aggravated an issue) and they’re not helpful =(
Post # 13
I think it’s great. With my ex Boyfriend or Best Friend, he would’ve been stay at home, bc I make more than 2x as much as him, and at the time had a lot better benefits. (He had no health insurance.)
With Darling Husband, though, we started out making the same, but he left our company and got almost a 50% raise! Plus, he doesn’t have a domestic bone in his body. He’s not really good about planning ahead on groceries, laundry, etc. He waits until it HAS to be done, and I am much more domestic in that front. (though, less domestic than a lot of women…we are both tn the SW industry and our house is a sty)
Post # 14
So our plan is that I’ll take 3 months of maternity leave from my ER job, and then Mr. will become a work/stay at home dad indefinitely (we’re thinking until the end of the first year). We’ll probably hire a nanny for 20 hours a week so that he can actually get some work done!
I’m really happy that we won’t have to worry about daycare for the 1st year!
Post # 15
@ Amaryllis: Thanks!
@ejs: Absolutely. My Fiance was Honorably Discharged so he’s not in anymore. I have to say that from what he says, the Army is getting better at recognizing it, but the culture needs to change (they wouldn’t diagnose PTSD at the time. The psychs just told him he was depressed and couldn’t sleep. Um. Which are symptomes of PTSD *sigh*). Since he was diagnosed, his life has gotten much better. He does receive benefits, but he gets them from the VA and not the Army. Incidentally, the VA has been just awesome.
@ Mrs. DG: Absolutely. I think that the first year especially is crucial in getting to know your child.
Post # 16
I have a some friends who are both Aerospave Engineers. They met at their jobs but I think she was a year or two ahead of him as far as ‘career path’ goes. (And money) His passion is soccer and he quit his job to be a stay-at-home dad and soccer coach. (Coaches Kids Travel – nothing professional – but I think he’s paid a little bit) He’s in heaven. Loves it and works great for them.
My husband claims if I let him become a stay at home dad he’ll have the house clean, laundry done, dinner ready, and kid(s) all taken care of when I get home from work. I’m tempted to let him do it just so he sees it’s not *really* that easy 🙂 ha.