FI wants to have drunken sleepovers at other peoples' houses, I say no!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I stopped reading after the description of the problem. Drinking to the point he doesn’t recognise you is baf.

However, you are his fiance not his mother and he is an adult not a child. Being married does not mean you become one entity, let him spend the night at his friend’s house.

Post # 4
8388 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Arganique:  Did you talk to him about your concern over his drinking habits?  It sounds like you’re acting like his mom and he’s acting like an irresponsible teenager, which is going to make you resent each other.  If your FI is truely struggling with alcohol, you need to get him help.

Post # 5
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Okay, just got to the end, sorry but I’m with your FI, not being allowed to spend a night at my friends house would be a deal breaker for me. The relationship would be over.

Post # 6
12875 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

The fact that he wants to hang out with buddies and spend the night once in a while.  No problem.  Mixing alcohol.. I think that’s a myth?  Their problem is the amount they drink and the irresponsibility that follows.  And of course they could actually go overboard and die if they are really as bad as it sounds.  The part about reflecting poorly on you??  That’s a bit silly, you’re his wife, not his keeper.  You dont need to be “watching your man”.  I honestly don’t know what I would do.  Since you’ve been together so long, I imagine it’s been a problem and you were hoping he’d grow up and out of it.  If he’d said “you and I are going to have a problem” , my hot head probably would have just told him, no, we’re not, cause there no you and I until you can respect me and our relationship.  Next course of action, this needs to be addressed… if you have a kid, is he gonna grow up and be there for his family, or feel the need to get away ever other week and get wasted with his buddies and stay out all night?  Is he gonna continue to get drunk and leave you to worry if he’s going to be alive the next day or learn some responsibility?  I dont even think you should have to say ‘no’, this isnt something a man ready to settle down and get married should be wanting to do.

Post # 7
6158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i see one problem and 1 that is not a problem.

who cares if your FI sleeps out one night?  he’s not sleeping at another girl’s house, that’s a no-no.  but to have a guys night and crash, what’s the problem?

most people as they get older perfer to sleep in their own beds and not on the uncomfortable floor or couch, so sleepovers stop.  but to say he has to sleep with you every night is ridiculous.

i’ve slept out.  i’ve slept at my mom’s house a half hour away because i had to get up at 5am and it was a 1/2 hour closer to where i needed to be. i also go away for a weekend without my FI. 

but what is the problem is the drinking.  if he thinks it is ok to get so drunk he doesn’t know who you are and doesn’t think anything is wrong with that, he probably has a drinking problem.  you should think long and hard if this is who you want to marry.

Post # 8
2274 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

How often does he want to have these sleepovers?  Every weekend, every few months?

Have I felt like you before?  Yes.  But, I don’t think you or I can stop our SOs from hanging out with their friends.  They are adults, and need to make their own decisions.

Honestly, my DH acted somewhat similarly when we first got together.  I look back and think “how did I put up with this?”  I did put up with it, but I was young and in-love for the first time.  Luckily for me, my now-DH grew out of that phase and places value on different things now; I didn’t force his values to change, though.

Post # 9
641 posts
Busy bee

Be less controlling, I suppose? 

If crashing at a friends house isn’t your thing, that’s fine. Don’t sleep in other people’s houses. But it is you FI’s thing. I have a pair of friends that host a very large dual birthday party that goes late into the night, and they offer to set up bedding for people to crash on, and some years, I’ve taken them up on it, and it’s frankly got a fun vibe to it. A lot more fun than having my SO pick me up like a mum picking up her kid at school. And as someone that is NEARLY THIRTY, sorry. Age is just a number. It’s a human construct that humans chose to group in tens so we could track the earth throttling around the planet. It doesn’t developmentally mean something, and your feelings don’t suddenly change course because a three tics over to the front.

On the subject of his friends? Yes. They sound like a bad influence. They also sound like they were his friends before you were his FI. You knew what you were signing up for, and you still put that ring on. What other things about him are you hoping to change? And after you forcibly alter these things about him, are you sure what is left behind is still going to have the same spirit you fell in love with?

Post # 10
861 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

@Arganique:  The amount he drinks is bad, if for no other reason than health. I have had quite a few nights myself but I have NEVER been so drunk I didn’t know who people were. I mean that is just scary! An issue unto itself.


However, it seems the two of you have different priorities (not seems you do). The thing is would you want him to say “my wife parties with me, period”. Guessing you would not, you seem stressed so I am going to assume that my husband ____ period is stress talking. I know a lot of people are going to stop reading after the drinking issue and respond to that. Thing is there are more issues at play. Both of you have to want that house. Both of you have to think under no circumstances does the one partner sleep at a friends house. Both of you have to want kids by such and such time. See what I am getting at? It is easy for bees to say “well I have her priorities so naturally he needs to change”.


Have a long talk not just to chastise him about drinking or tell him he is wrong, thats a sure way to get him to yell or shut down rather than engage in a meaningful dialogue. Bring up that you want a house, when you think it is feesible. See how he responds and work from there. I do hope he stops drinking to the point of not recognizing people. I also hope you don’t comment if he decides to switch to beer after a few vodka tonics.


Best of luck 🙂

Post # 11
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Arganique:  I think that when you are getting upset with him staying at a friend’s house, it’s not really the act of him staying overnight that you’re unhappy with.  It seems like your anger/discomfort is displaced, because what you’re REALLY unhappy with is his alcohol problem. 

I spend the night at my best friend’s house sometimes, without FI.  We like to binge on chocolate and wine, watch movies with hot men, and talk about our SOs, but we are not out of control drunk.  We just like the spend the time together and have “sleepovers” like we did when we were in high school.  I see nothing wrong with this and would be beyond upset if FI ever decided I wasn’t “allowed” to do this.

However, I would completely understand if these sleepovers led to me being dangerously drunk, and my FI reacted the way that you have.

You problem is not with him staying out, it is WHAT he is doing while he is out and WHO he is out with.  Try addressing those problems and coming through a place of concern rather than telling him he just can’t ever stay over at a friend’s house.  He’s likely to be more willing to listen if he doesn’t fee like he’s being controlled.

Post # 12
861 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

@Bracelet00:  I was going to say the “mommying” would annoy me to no end and drive me to drink.

Post # 13
3009 posts
Sugar bee

@Arganique:  I didn’t get all the way through. His drinking is a problem because it is causing problems in his life. The spending the night is just a minor issue. I hate to be that worry monger person, but I think that’s the real issue here. 

Post # 14
10899 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009


Let me begin by saying that I do not disagree with you that your FI’s intended behavior is concerning. I view alcohol as a controlled, dangerous substance and think it is highly abused in our culture.

However, you cannot control your FI’s actions. You’ve told him how you feel about this issue, but you cannot control his decisions. What you can control, however, is how you choose to respond to them. I personally would not want to be in a relationship with someone for whom excessive drinking is a chosen form of recreation. If this bothers you (and it would definitely bother me), you need to understand that your FI does not seem to view this situation in the same manner that you do. If you aren’t willing to live with his choices (and, again, I would not be), you may want to reconsider your relationship. Far too often, bees post about how amazing and wonderful their men and their relationships are — *except for* _______________(fill in the blank with whatever non-negotiable, major issue is involved here), and they’re seeking solutions as to how to make their men behave according to the bees’ expectations. (Obviously, this is not gender specific, as men sometimes post here, too, in the reverse, about their FIs). Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

Post # 15
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@Arganique:  in the past this was an issue where whenever I would make FI mad he would go and crash at his buddies house and hang out til all hours of the morning while ignoring me and leaving me to be alone with our son and our home at the time. This was a HUGE deal. This was when we were first living together in our very early twenties. So it’s been many years since this was an issue but I can kind of see where you’re coming from. It’s funny though because now we live in chicago and his friends still live about an hour and a half away in indiana and so if he wants to go out to see them it’s quite a trip. He rarely gets out there for visits so last weekend when he wanted to out there I didn’t say anything. I even suggested that if he was going to drink at all to just stay at bryan’s house (bryan is his best friend). I trust him and the occasional night away shouldn’t be an issue at this point.

I do think it isn’t right of you to call his parents the way you did. I would feel like I was being tattled on if FI called my mom to get her to back him up if he had a problem with me. I think you should have revisited the issue directly with your SO. I can’t imagine calling FI’s parents and venting about our problems. It just seems inappropriate to me. I don’t care how close I am with them.

This is something that you knew about him before moving in together and while I think that there should be compromise in a situation like this, I think it’s unwise to think something will change when the other person clearly doesn’t want to change. If he is unwilling to change his habits, you have to decide if it’s something you can deal with or if it’s truly a deal breaker. I have friends that are hard partyers and that hasn’t changed much as we got older. For some it did, but for others it’s still the same and they have partners who are similar to them and it works.

Bottom line, go and have a real discussion with him where you clearly and firmly state your feelings on this and you let him know just how seriously you are taking it. Come up with some ideas on boundaries and see where you two both stand. good luck.

Post # 16
6449 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@ajillity81:  +1

I think the problem here is his drinking so much that he doesn’t recognize you and not really that he wants to spend the night. However, I see your point that is he spends the night he will likely drink more than if he didn’t. How often does he hang out with these friends?

Also, I would be very very angry if DH called my parents and discussed this with them.


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