FI wants to join Navy :(

posted 3 years ago in Military
Post # 3
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@mab3015:  Hi there love,

So to start this off let me just say that I am a fellow Navy SO. I think that your emotions and fear are completely natural. I have my breakdowns about once a week lol.. Okay so now take a deep breath for me. As hard as it is to wrap your head around this one, you need to take three steps to the left and stand beside him. You have to get out of his way. Four years will fly by for you guys and he is willing to make that compromise for you. I know, being in it right now and coming up to my first deployment how hard it is day to day to not have the one you love beside you. Between fights over distance, fights over always coming second to the Navy and fights because you simply one a rise out of one another because you miss each other.. this crap is hard. Find your independence, learn that you can love him from afar and you will—-not because you want to but because for him, you have to. I think that when you have to extraordinary people, distance can’t come between that. Find something to do for the next few years that will help ease your suffering from all of this. For me, I am contemplating leaving the country as well to do some mission work. Or maybe for you this could be staying in school more and furthering your degree with other subjects you’ve always been interested in? My only advice is, regardless of how much you don’t want this for you guys.. you have to stand to the side and let him achieve his dreams so that you can acheive your dreams together.

 

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk or anything, I am here always. <3

Post # 4
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

My husband is in the navy and my husband has never been on a 6-8 month deployment. Not everyone goes on those super lengthy deployments, my husband is gone a lot longer than men who go on the longer ones, though. Out of every month I see him one week if I’m lucky. Most of the time less.

Our secret? Communication. We tall all the time when he has the chance. If he can get on a computer while he is deployed, we’re playing games or talking or video chatting. When he isn’t at a computer, we’re texting. Communication makes him feel less far away.

It really depends on where and what he is going into the Navy for. My husband is an aircrewman and like I said, he has never and probably never will be on those super lengthy deployment.

Post # 5
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

FWIW my brother is in the navy and is stationed in Japan for 4 years. But he’s not an officer so I have no idea if that makes a difference. He just joined last winter and is damage control. He really enjoys it!

Post # 7
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@mab3015:  It depends on my husband. Time zones make things difficult since he is always changing time zones. I tend to alter my schedule to match his, but I’m in a position that makes this easy since I am a stay at home wife. Most days we’re able to talk most of the day (He usually finishes work around 2 PM local time [Oklahoma time] unless he is doing a 12 hour flight) so we’ll text immediately before and after his flights and while he’s waiting for a debrief (Or a mission to end or if he’s doing something) and after that he’s usually all mine, and we’ll at least skype talk or play games until he goes to bed.

I’d say I’d get to talk to him for at least five hours (straight) every day. Some days are better than others, other days are worse. We’ve been together almost two years and there has only been one day (Last week, actually) where we couldn’t talk at all. He was on a specialized training mission and I knew that no communication was going to happen beforehand. He surprised me and “got a job” working the comm stations and we were able to chat nightly from about 7 PM local time to 7 AM local time.

We’ve never had an issue communicating, save for poor internet or other general hiccups.

My husband is not an officer, but at least in my husband’s squadron, officers have (generally) the same schedules as everyone else. They’re usually gone as often as he is so I’d assume that the significant others of officers in his squadron are having the same experience I am.

The Navy isn’t a death sentance, I promise you. It’s scary, and you’ll probably spend a lot of time alone regardless of any and all deployments. Before my husband, I never thought I’d be a military wife. But the Navy is good to us, and they take care of their own. I know for a fact that if I needed my husband home (I was in an accident, or in labor, or if the house burned down, or a natural disaster/etc) that his squadron would get him home regardless of where in the world they are.

It’s not an easy life, but the Navy will take care of you and him. With my husband being gone so much, it definitely makes me appreciate him more. Most women have the luxury of seeing their husbands every day. They get to spend every holiday, every birthday, enjoy Christmas or Thanksgiving together. We don’t get that liberty, and so every moment with my husband is a moment I treasure. Even if we’re sitting on the couch in sweat pants eating triscuits and watching Archer.

Post # 8
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

@mab3015:  

I am very dependent”

This is what you’ve got to work on right here. It’s hard but this is his dream. I would strongly encourage you to support him and use the time to find your independence. 

I’ve been mostly through what you’re anticipating. I am pretty introverted and moved halfway across the country for my PhD program. My FI is an Army officer. Actually, he started basic training around the time I started grad school so I’ve been through that, OCS, deployment, and multiple short-term/long-term, no/limited-contact field training. The closest we have ever lived to each other is a 12 hour drive. The farthest, excluding deployment, is a 33 hour drive. None of this ruined our relationship. All it has done is proven our commitment and compatibility to one another. 

Military life is unpredictable. And the choices he makes and the “choices” he’s given can be difficult. But you can find a way to work through it. You will see some true colors, yours and his, shining through during those tough times. You will know if you’re meant to be together. His life is going to be more unstable early on, since he has a lot of training to get through. You can absolutely do a postdoc during this time, wherever you want. If things go well, then you can probably stay as long as you need to figure out where your FI will be. You can try to be situated near wherever his training will be, but you aren’t limited to that. If you’re more comfortable moving closer to home, then find a job near there and that way you can be close to a support network. Or find a killer postdoc that will make you highly marketable so that it will be easier to get into a new lab when you’re ready to move again.

The situation is not ideal. It is a challenge. You and he are both smart and dedicated enough to deal with it. Work on yourself, let him work on himself, and have faith that it will work out. 

Post # 9
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@mab3015:  Awh don’t cry honey! (Sorry for my lack of grammar skills above, i was rushing out the door) It is going to be extremely difficult and that doesnt mean you can’t have emotions or express them. Over time, you will learn that with the military you have to express your emotions differently than a regular relationship. You don’t have a lot of time to discuss things or work through them so being completely straight and to the point is important. Moreso than that,  pick and choose your battles. This is something I’m still struggling with. The stress of military life is going to take its toll on you but more than that its going to take its toll on your sweetheart. Do what you can to keep your head up and stay strong for him. I always try to keep in mind that S/O doesn’t need to worry about the entire country and little ole’ me on top of it…because if he had to choose he would choose worrying over me.. lol I really think you can do this. I hear people say all the time “it takes a strong woman to love a military man” and I don’t believe that.. I think it takes a strong love to make a military relationship successful. I didn’t choose to love a military man and neither did you. I am a strong woman but I’m not stronger because I chose to love him, I’m stronger because my love for him and his love for me have kept me going. I believe in you! And I’m here if you need anything. <3

Post # 10
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@mab3015:  No way! I have a bunch of friends from high school who went to Geneseo for undergrad as well. One studied geology and I’m not sure about the second. 🙂

So I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy. His 2:00 in the afternoon on Saturday is our 2:00am so it makes communicating really tough. I think I talk with him once a month or less but he is frequently underway and headed to the Phillipines for disaster aide in a few days. He had a huge culture shock at first (he never left Webster before and was only 19!) but now he is enjoying it. The base in Sasebo is huge and very ‘American’ with biker bars, steak houses, bowling, etc. I do miss him and he is supposed to come home for 10 days in December for Christmas which will be the first time I’ve seen him since January but because of what happened in the Phillipines he may not be home at all for Christmas and I’m pretty much guaranteed not to have him at my wedding.

As far as your concern about isolation, there are websites and support groups specifically for wives, fiances, sisters, mothers that offer tremendous amounts of guidance. I am not a mom (obviously) but was welcomed with open arms to http://www.navyformoms.com and have joined multiple groups and met many wonderful women who have had family in the Navy for a long time and are extremely kind. I enoucourage you to seek out those resources for support and embrace adventure, especially if it is your husband’s dream. There are very specific groups for certain ships, bases, rates, etc. and most also have facebook pages that post photos of the sailors and fleet activity updates. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am an AF wife so I dont know much about the Navy. You get out of any situation what you put into it. I think you have every right to be emotional because this is a huge change from what you were expecting but now ask some questions. Ask him about the chances to get stationed overseas.  Imagine how much of the world you could see with him at a young age before you two settle down and have children (if that is your plan). Could you work overseas?  How is this going to effect your career?  What will happen if in 4 years he is kicking some Navy ass and wants to make a career of it? What will he do in 4 years when he gets out? If you both of you have the others career dream as a best intrest then you two will figure it out.  Keep your chin up 🙂

Post # 14
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@mab3015:  Hey hun, 

I am Airforce wife and I can tell you that the fear you have is going to be found in every military spouse/FI. I had been with my DH for about a year or more when he decided he wanted to join the military. At first he wanted to join the Marines just like his best friend but he eventually decided to meet me half way and join the Air Force. It is really scary at first but I PROMISE that this life isn’t all that bad 🙂 

I am across country away from home, no kids or friends, and have a 9 months deployment to Afgan. on the way. Is it hard? Sure! but there are SO many people here to help me! The military is literally a community and you will meet the most incredible people! 

Plus you do get to see a lot more of the world and you lean how string you really are! Heck, did I know I could change a tire and change my oil while my DH was gone? Nope! Did I know that I could learn how to fix a broken dryer? NOPE! It really is a different world of ups and downs but I promise that this life is VERY rewarding 🙂

 

Post # 16
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@mab3015:  Unlike other jobs he gets quite a bit of time off before and after a deployment so we get to go on vacations. Plus if he gets stationed over seas we will be able to experience more of the world in a different way! I will probably get home sick but I have friends that got stationed in Geremany and they always tell me how much they wish they could go back! I think when we moved across country I got used to being far from family and being over seas would be no different and I would probably see them just as frequently (once or twice a year). 

We are always stronger than we give ourself credit for 🙂 

You can’t go anywhere with your SO unless you are PCSing to a knew duty station but unaccpanied assigments are always done alone. You also have to be married in order to live with him off base because (at least for Air Force) you need to be a certain rank or married in order to live outside of the barracks. 

EDIT: My Husbands flight is also SUPER kind and has always let him have days off or half days when he needs it. I know the flexiblity totally depends on those in charge so I wouldn’t expect it to be like that! 

 

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