FI wants to postpone the wedding

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3280 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’d just get a full time job while in school. You could totally work full time or almost full time while taking 2 classes. I would be upset about postponing too! Hopefully it’ll work out. We’re getting married three weeks after my college graduation and I’m very glad we waited until graduation. 

 

Post # 4
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I don’t see the difference of getting married whether you’re working or working and in school or just in school?  It sounds to me like he is more concerned about $$$$$  than marrying the love of his life.  Sounds like he is afraid that after you get married that you’ll be in school, not work, and then he will have to support you.  Maybe this isn’t the case, but it just sounds like money is his main concern-NOT that “you are on the same playing field” when getting married.

Post # 5
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My fiancee and I postponed our wedding date 3 times. Finally (this is our 4th time planning) we are trying to make it happen. Sometimes it is just smarter to wait. I am glad we didn’t do it in 2008 because of school and money, I probably would have had a breakdown.

I am in school full time, graduating in May and Beardy (my fiancee) is working full-time as a IT person (which is what he went to school for, hadn’t graduated though) so I am happy that my fiancee talked me into postponing.

Post # 6
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

FI and I will be getting married when he’s in (law) school and we wouldn’t have it any other way, as we don’t want to wait another year for him to finish his degree (we’re already having a 19+ month engagement). I agree with you that there’s never a “right” time, something will always be in the way. If you think you can handle school, work and wedding planning, your FI should trust you. You’re not even taking out loans, so it’s not like you’ll be a real financial burden on him! Sounds like he’s stalling to me.

Post # 7
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I got married while working FT and finishing up my degree one class at a time!

It’s definitely completely do-able! I don’t like your FI’s “different stages of life” view, though.

You’re both adults. You’re furthering your education in order to further your career. He is starting his career–I’m pretty sure you’re in the same camp!

Post # 8
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Uh, I don’t really see what you going back to school part-time has to do with the wedding and getting married.  Its not like you are going to be LESS into the marriage due to schooling.  And what if you had decided to go back to school while you were married?? would he put the marriage on hold until you had graduated??  

I agree that life throws up things that never make life truly “stable”.  

 

I dont know, I think that his thought of postponing the wedding seems very very odd. 

Post # 9
Member
31 posts
Newbee

@HonoraryNerd:  I don’t think his logic makes sense. If the piece of paper doesn’t matter to him and you’ll be together forever, why NOT get married?

Deep down, I think he’s scared or feels unprepared to handle the challenges of life while maintaining a marriage. If you got married and weren’t “stable” and you guys went through any kind of stressful (financial) event, he probably feels that it’ll be so much worse because you’d be married and therefore the problem is bigger, somehow. It’s safer to just be your boyfriend and wait til the hard times go away.

But the hard times will never go away! There will NEVER be a good time to get married, and that needs to be made clear to him. If I were you, I’d put my foot down and let him know that if you wait until everything is perfect to get married, you will never get married. Nobody would ever get married, if that were the case. He should understand that and really, really think about that.

Honestly, I don’t think it has anything to do with your job situation or going back to school. He’s waiting for a right time that will never happen.

Post # 10
Member
8025 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

It sounds like he’s not ready to make the commitment. None of his “logical” reasons make any sense at all. You could be married and be working/getting your degree no problem. I dont want to sound harsh but I feel like this is the downside of proposing to him, he says yes but hes not ready/willing or he would have been the one doing the asking. Normally the engagement is where worrying about the timeline ends and things are set in stone. I too would be completely uncomfortable with a “we’ll see” engagement. My only advice is: dont move forward if you have to twist his arm to do it. You want to marry someone who WANTS to marry you to have any chance of making it. If I were you I would make moves to be more independant (move out), and call off the engagement if hes not serious about setting the date. 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

Are you sure he really wants to get married? The fact that you proposed and he’s postponing – those are indications that he’s not quite there yet. Sorry to bum you out – I know that’s not what you wanted to hear but it would concern me.

Post # 12
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Moraz:  +1 I have to say, I was thinking the same thing.

Post # 13
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

He wants you to be in the same life phase?  What does that even mean?  If you’re two adults who want to get married, isn’t that the same “life phase”?  

And what happens if you get married, you become a super-successful musician, but he’s only a mid-level employee?  Or what if music doesn’t work for you and you get work as a barista at Starbucks but he becomes a big-shot supervisor?  Uh oh, you’re suddenly in different “life phases” again, better not stay together???

The fact is that, as two individual people, you’re *always* going to be in different life phases in one way or another.  Your lives will never be perfectly parallel and in sync.  

I think you should speak to him and get to the bottom of what’s really bothering him…because his excuse sounds kind of like BS to me.  🙁

Post # 14
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Moraz:  +1

I’d make sure he’s sure.

Post # 15
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

It doesn’t sound like he’a ready.

BUT… I’m in a similar situation.  The difference?  I’m in grad school, and I agree with my FI.  Part if it haa to do with scheduling/workload.  The other part is just that it’s been ingrained in our heads since birth.  The order is school, marriage, kids.  It’s not marriage, school, kids or school, kids, marriage…  It works for some people, but we’re not wired for it.  We need school, marriage, kids.  And it’s entirely possible your FI feels that way.

Post # 16
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

I’m another one who thinks his logic is illogical. He wants you to be working full time and not going to school when you get married but what about once you are married? Can you go to school then? Or will there be no furthering of education after you’re married?

 

I really don’t understand what difference it makes for you to be going part time before the wedding as opposed to after the wedding. And if – as he states repeatedly – you two are going to be together forever regardless, then to put off marrying you for any reason is also illogical.

 

This smacks of stalling. He’s grasping at straws, looking for any *plausible* reason to put off the wedding. Do not rug sweep this.

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