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I never thought I would come to the bee with an anonymous username. This is just so embarrassing, and I'm just so sad about it and I need advice.
FI and I have been dating for 5 years, and we've lived together for 3. We've been intimate for most of the time we've been together.
At this point, though, we are really only having sex about once or twice a month. And even then, it's because he wants to, not me.
It's not that I don't love him or feel attracted to him... I do. Is it possible to be physically attracted to a person without feeling sexually attracted to them? B/C that's where I feel I'm at.
He will try and try to get me in the mood, and what he's doing (kissing my neck, touching, etc) might feel great, but there is absolutely no translation "down there".
It makes me feel broken, and worse, I feel like it is making our relationship feel broken.
We're about to get married, and I'm scared that we're going to end up hating each other over this and get divorced.
FI said that he wants to talk about it tonight, and I just don't know what to do. I'm scared to lose him- there are other things about our relationship that make it worth it to me.
I don't really care about the sex, honestly.... it isn't that important to me. It's all the other things that made it seem worth marrying him. But it IS important to him, and I just don't know how to fix it.
Are you taking any medications that would lower your sex drive? I took an antibiotic a year ago for a few weeks, and it totally drained any desire that I had to have sex.
Could stress from wedding planning/work/family be causing it?
If you aren't able to come to a conclusion from talking to each other, why not look into counseling? That way you are both on the same playing field, and the therapist can help you both talk through it..
Good luck :)
If your on BC that could have something to do with it...If you are maybe getting off of it or changing to something else!
I agree with the BC thing. When I first got on BC I totally lost my sex drive, but I thought eventually my hormones would settle down some and it would go back to normal. After about 8-10 months I switched to a different one and within 6 weeks my sex drive was back. If you're on BC definitely talk to your doctor.
I agree with PP's, if you're taking some type of BC it could have a significant effect on your sex drive. Or any other type of medication or vitamin/supplement for that matter. When I had the Mirena, I had zero desire for sex. Which is the complete opposite for me. I had it taken out.
If meds aren't the (possible) issue, then perhaps you could ask your doctor for more advice.
Good luck!
I have a friend who has a very similar problem to yours. She's been taking birth control for many years but as soon as she switched to a different kind she said that her sex drive literally disappeared--completely. She said it's very frustrated for both her and her partner, but she is absolutely positive it is the birth control's fault.
Are you on birth control? Because this may have happened gradually to you as well, and you didn't even notice it. I would talk to your doctor about switching to another kind or maybe looking at other forms of birth control.
If not, then I definitely think talking to a counselor would be great if your conversation tonight doesn't lead anywhere.
Yes, I am on birth control... I was on the shot for about 9 months when we had been together about 2 years, and that COMPLETELY wiped my sex drive. This was also right around the time we moved in together....
After that, I switched to the pill, and my sex drive did come back, but it was still ho hum.
The thing is, it's not that I *never* feel aroused... I occasionally will feel the urge to take care of things myself. I think that's part of what bothers him. He knows that I feel urges sometimes, but it's just... easier, I guess, to take care of it myself.
When we do have sex, he almost always finishes before me, and I feel like I can't let loose and have fun b/c I'm worried it will trigger him, and then if he does finish before me he feels guilty and I feel frustrated.
So, it's kind of a frustrating cycle- I don't feel like I can be sexy, so he feels like I don't feel attracted to him, so I feel frustrated, which makes me actually not feel in a sexy mood with him.
If you are on birth control or other medications that could definitely be causing it. I was on Depo a few years ago, and I felt so messed up. I had no sex drive whatsoever, and it was causing issues between my SO and I. I'm on a different birth control now, and things have gotten much better.
Yeah, check BC or even depression (wedding planning can wreak havoc on a person) but realize that this isn't a problem that will go away. Ignoring it now will make it worse later. Listen to what he really says tonight and be receptive. Start with the basics - any good counselor/therapist will tell you to go to the doctor and explain the lack of libido and see if there is a medical reason first. Good luck.
I would see a doctor not only about any medications that may be affecting your libido, but maybe there's something else going on. And if there's no medical reason why your libido is low, maybe just have sex anyways? I went through a dry spell in a previous relationship, and to get out of it, I would just do it even if I didn't feel like I was in the mood. And the more I did it, the more I wanted to keep doing it. And if that doesn't work, maybe just come up with a number of times a month that he wants to have sex that you're ok with, and just do it. Maybe 5-7? Might not be the most romantic thing, but relationships are about compromise.
I guess it's really a combination of things... part of it is a decreased sex drive overall, and part of it is being frustrated that we don't always "click" the way I feel like we should be.
Honestly I will be blunt with you I understand ur situation.But sex is really important in a relationship especially for men and just because you do not want to have sex dont mean you cant please him.Im sure you can have oral sex and if that bothers you etc. than I dont know what to say but if you dont have sex and he tries to resolve this issue and is considerate and this goes on for long some men will cheat not saying that ur man will.Just go see a doctor I have close friend who doesnt feel sex no orgasm nothing ever and she still has sex the excitement is enough for her seeing her man happy.If ur not getting wet use lub....................... okay ima shut up lol but its normal a lot of women go through stages like this maybe from stress meds etc. So do you not wanna have sex or you are not attracted to him sexually im lost.Watch some female porn before you do it maybe that will put you in the mood I dont know girl but dont worry just talk to ur fi and let him know whats up but make sure you dont tell him you are not atrracted to him sexually that will ruin ur sex life for good.
That's kind of where I feel like I'm at right now. When we do have sex, I almost always have to use lubricant because... well, I guess this is the definition of "dry spell" right?
When we do have sex I usually enjoy it, I just get frustrated if it doesn't last long enough... I guess that not a terrible sign, right?
@notmyrealbeename: it's definitely good that sometimes you enjoy it. it sounds like you guys just need to figure out what works for both of you and make sure you're on the same page. i think it's great that you're going to talk this through. communication is so important in situations like this.
okay my response may be tmi... i don't know anything about BC affecting libidos, but to your comment that "When we do have sex, he almost always finishes before me, and I feel like I can't let loose and have fun b/c I'm worried it will trigger him" -- this makes me think he should also be working harder to get you off, and it's not just your libido. has he tried going down on you first? that REALLY helps me get into things and finish a lot faster during sex right after. or, have you tried using a cock ring? if your fi is finishing too fast for you, that might slow him down.
ETA: also i've noticed for me being in the mood is so dependent on being into it mentally, and if you're worried or frustrated during the deed that he's not going to last long enough or that you're not into it, that could be preventing you from getting into it...so talking through everything tonight might really help!
Um, I don't want to be indelicate here, but if he isn't lasting long enough for you, it doesn't sound like you are the only one in this relationship having issues in the bedroom. Maybe he isn't lasting because it is so much time in between? Should he use more foreplay or oral to get you going beforehand? I think you should discuss BOTH of your issues in the bedroom- it is not all on your shoulders- it takes 2 to tango.
@finnaroo: I was going to say the same thing. I don't think I would enjoy sex (as much) if I knew I wasn't going to get off.
Maybe bring that to the table during your conversation, and tell him that you would like him to work on you for a little bit, before he gets off...
Is it really unpleasant to fake it? Can you get enjoyment from doing something that you know he loves?
I'm not that into sex, but my partner isn't either so it works fine for us that we don't have it all that much. We have a lot of closeness, just not tons of "the main act". I would fake it to a point to help him have that if he needed it since I don't have any aversion to being with him sexually, I'm just not driven to seek it out.
Also, we've been together 9 years. I think that plenty of couples go through a transition into a different sort of intimacy when the sex and relationship aren't new anymore right about where you are now. I remember being really concerned that we were heading for a life of celibacy, but that went away when I realized that if either one of us took initiative to make it happen, it still would and could...we just weren't really trying.
I downside of not doing it very often is that he will finish more quickly. If you mess around a lot before you start round 1, it will go by even faster. So give him a quick and productive opening act and then make round two all about you. ;-)
Sometimes I think changing things by helping your partner do what will work for you instead of telling your partner what isn't work working is best. The last thing you want is to create a situation where everyone is too insecure to try.
Totally seconding the others on foreplay. And really - if you don't orgasm most times you have sex, why WOULD you be in the mood very often? It completely makes sense - you're not getting the positive reinforcement you need!
It sounds like part of the problem is that you're both very focused on what he needs. I recommend taking a few sessions that are devoted ONLY to your pleasure. That way him coming first isn't a problem - he'll probably get turned on, and maybe when you're done he can do what he needs to do, but the point of the playtime will be all about what makes YOU feel good. If you feel like your needs are being statisfactorily met, you will be much more happy and excited to get busy.
Like PP have said you need to talk about what you both need to do. It does sound like maybe he needs to try harder or try something different to get you in the mood, and maybe you need to switch bc and just do it even if you dont really feel like it, just to get things going. Although this is something that you need to work out before you get married, it should not be a deal breaker since there are still many things you can try to improve the situation. Good luck!
@finnaroo & @EmeraldR: I don't mind the TMI and indelicacies at all! Any advice is welcome, and it actually makes me feel more comfortable about this when people are honest.
I do agree that this isn't all on me, and thank you so much for saying so. He does try going down on me, but over time it's kind of lost it's affect.
I've tried to talk to him about his problems, and he knows, but it's such a delicate conversation... and truthfully, it's not a problem that I know how to solve!
@notmyrealbeename: Well, I think that if he wants to talk about why you're not having sex, let him know that his..er...shortcomings...are an issue for you. Maybe you can tell him that's another conversation that you two need to have, but since you've mentioned it here, obviously it's causing anxiety for you regarding sex.
This may be TMI, but my FI had bedroom problems about two years ago. He had the opposite problem..he would last too long. He usually would give up on coming, because it just took too long. I know, it probably sounds fine..but it sucked. It would make me really sore, and I never wanted to have sex. He and I talked really honestly about it, and he actually suggested that I go down on him first. That helped him get really excited and it happened really quick. We've definitely had to work on it, but we have a good rhythm now :)
I think all women go through phases and I think most guys are happy for you to please him without getting into it if you know what I mean.
I do think its important to have the full works sometimes but after 5 years its not going to be as often as it once was.
Relax, stop worrying about it so much and have a few nights in with the things that do it for you.
If your FI is the right one for you he wont put preasure on you.
Thanks everyone! I really do appreciate the advice, and it's made me feel a lot better that other people have been in similar situations.
I really do think we'll be ok, it's just frustrating because this is happening before we're married, when so many people think of this stuff happening after marriage.
It doesn't help that his best friend is planning a wedding in a long distance relationship, where the newness has never worn off and the sex is still fresh and new and exciting after 2 years.
I keep telling him that his friend's relationship isn't the norm, but you can tell that he's jealous, especially since we're getting married so close to each other.
The Best thing I've EVER read on sex & intimacy in marriage was from the book
GodChicks and the men they love...
It's the last chapter (SEX is not a 4 letter word) and is packed full in the "how to" of open communication, finding what works for You AND Him, and really taking sex from being sex to being the intimacy God meant it to be.
Now I can say from experience that sex really does only work like it was meant to (uniting together) in a marriage setting so maybe committing to working on ya'lls communication & acceptance of your difference until then (it's not that long) and not having sex will help.....
If nothing else it will go with the saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder"... be like a "MAN I MISSED THAT" lol
And then yea.... steal away about 10 minutes go to your local bible book store and read that chapter.
There is NOT anything wrong with you.... we are just wired different & have different needs..... Ya'll just gotta get on the same page ;)
Handle this the same way you would handle all problems within your relationship: Together. Shying away from the conversation isn't going to help, even though that's the first reaction.
I've had the same problem in a relationship with my ex-husband and am going through it something similar with my FI now. It's always a frustrating time.
Continuing the bluntness others started, and that I think is appropriate...
Porn helps. Fantasy. Finding something that gets you aroused. Spend some time each day thinking about something that turns you on -- particularly before you're around your FI.
I also recommend spending some time journaling or some other therapeutic exercise that lets you figure out what's going on in your head. Sexual arousal and a head full of thoughts don't go hand in hand.
I hope this helps.
Oh, one final comment, in my opinion and experience, faking an orgasm just makes you feel more like you're failing as a lover, and has the same result for your lover when they figure out that you've been faking. And they always do figure that out, at some point.
Btw, he and I have been talking a little bit since I posted this (we're such bad employees!) and I told him that we are going to have sex tonight, and that we can talk after.
We also agreed that we are going to be honest when we talk, and that we aren't going to let our feelings get hurt. I really do want to address his issues, and I think that if we can agree that we're just being honest and not trying to be hurtful, that it will be easier to talk about.
Sexual arousal and a head full of thoughts don't go hand in hand.
Tell me about it! The #1 thing that drives me crazy about myself is when I can't turn my brain off and it distracts me to the point of not being able to get in the mood.
Oh, one final comment, in my opinion and experience, faking an orgasm just makes you feel more like you're failing as a lover, and has the same result for your lover when they figure out that you've been faking. And they always do figure that out, at some point.
I am so glad you said this! I am 100% against faking it. The fact of the matter is, if you're faking it, then he's going to think he's doing it right and won't know that you're unhappy with what he's doing. I love FI, but I'm not going to coddle him for the next (hopefully) 50+ years of my life by faking it!
I hope that everything works out for you. I know that personally, BC has hurt my drive as well as stress. Being in school and working has made me so worn out and stressed that it's hard to just turn it off in my mind.
As for letting yourself have fun, I think that you should. If he orgasms first, then he should make sure that you still do even if it is manually or orally. It shouldn't be all about him!
@notmyrealbeename: My answer is different than some of others. Couples counseling with a focus on sex. There are tons of sex therapists out there that are licensed and legit and although not the norm for everyone, they can help you openly speak of your issues and discuss things in a productive way that you or your FI might feel uncomfortable talking about. For instance, maybe he should try using a dildo on you, but bringing it up may be embarassing or might make him feel bad if you suggest, but if someone else does, it could be more "fun" than uncomfortable. This really worked for friends of ours where she just wasn't interested anymore for all kinds of reasons. They are now experimenting and having a good time. If it's too much for you, their first assignment was to designate one day a week where they would spend an hour being sexual with eachother, not always sex, but touching etc. They made the commitment to do this every Tuesday and couldn't stop it for any reason. She said just the added attention made her feel more into it.
@mwitter80: We have actually talked about doing this in the past, but never did. I've tried to do a little research on finding a counselor in the past, but I've had some trouble finding one near us.
It might bring it up again if things don't improve at all after we talk.
@notmyrealbeename: Most times your OBGYN will have a sex therapist to suggest as a lot of these types of therapists also deal with infertility. Just call and ask. My friend found hers through her health providers website. It was covered under her insurance as regular mental healthcare :)
i agree that faking it would probably just keep perpetuating the issues, and that communicating more, focusing on your needs, and experimenting with each other seems like a better plan. maybe to help destress and get you in the right mood/headspace, you could take a bubble bath together first, or ask him for a massage? something like that to relax and clear your mind. also you said before that you sometimes get yourself off--have you ever done that in front of him? it might help show him what works for you. and one more idea, my hubby and i once went to a sex store together--i was totally embarassed about it at first, but it was actually really fun once i relaxed. it was one that catered more to women and couples, so more classy than cheesy stuff, if that makes sense.
I've had the same issue. Once in a while I'm really into it, but most of the time not.
All of the above is very valid, and there are many keys to revving up a sex drive. The most important thing is that you are both able to talk about it, and recognize that sex is an important part of any intimate relationship.
A lot of sex therapists will tell you just to get out there and do it! (Unless there is a deep emotional issue that needs to be addressed- and don't ever let yourself feel forced or pressured!)
FI and I have both come to terms with the fact that I'm not always going to get off, and quite often when I do, I do it for myself. Doesn't matter who gets to go first. Sex can be lots and lots of fun even without the big O too!
But don't pull away or retract from him. Having less mind-blowing sex more often will keep you both happier than allowing the frequency to drop off.
I didn't finish reading all the responses...but just because he's finished doesn't mean he has to be finished with you. Even after my FI finishes, we usually aren't even close to be done having fun. You could try "Honey I know you're finished, but I'M not: ;)
I feel like I'm reiterating what others have said, but I think it's important to think about the whole sexual experience - you don't need to finish together, and if that's not working, you should talk about other ways to make sure you're having a good time. To be totally honest, I've never orgasmed during sex - it just hasn't happened for me. But SO is diligent about making sure I'm satisfied before we even get going with the "main event." I think if you're getting the satisfaction you need, you're going to want to be intimate more often. And I second others who have said no to faking it - I think this is a bad precedent to start, and would probably hurt him even more if he found out. If your FI loves you and cares about your needs, he's going to want to make sure you're actually having a good time, not just pretending you are for his ego.
I'm going against the grain, but sex got a whole lot better for us when we quit talking about it (esp. in a negative light) and just started doing it. Knowing that there would be a post-game analysis made it more unsexy than ever.
Going away for the weekend, staying in a motel, and getting your groove back on so that you can remember what was fun and hot about it has always been better for me than having him try to carry out precise instructions about what was hot when it actually happened in the heat of the moment. YMMV.
Also, when I said fake it, I didn't mean the orgasm...just giving sex a try when you weren't really in the mood and hiding your "I'm just not into this" outward face even if you're having some of those feelings inside. Sometimes if I just give it a go, I find that I'm more into it than I thought I'd be. If I talk about not being into it, it will definitely be over before it start.
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