Post # 1
I never thought I would come to the bee with an anonymous username. This is just so embarrassing, and I’m just so sad about it and I need advice.
FI and I have been dating for 5 years, and we’ve lived together for 3. We’ve been intimate for most of the time we’ve been together.
At this point, though, we are really only having sex about once or twice a month. And even then, it’s because he wants to, not me.
It’s not that I don’t love him or feel attracted to him… I do. Is it possible to be physically attracted to a person without feeling sexually attracted to them? B/C that’s where I feel I’m at.
He will try and try to get me in the mood, and what he’s doing (kissing my neck, touching, etc) might feel great, but there is absolutely no translation “down there”.
It makes me feel broken, and worse, I feel like it is making our relationship feel broken.
We’re about to get married, and I’m scared that we’re going to end up hating each other over this and get divorced.
FI said that he wants to talk about it tonight, and I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared to lose him- there are other things about our relationship that make it worth it to me.
I don’t really care about the sex, honestly…. it isn’t that important to me. It’s all the other things that made it seem worth marrying him. But it IS important to him, and I just don’t know how to fix it.
Post # 3
Are you on birth control??
Post # 4
Are you taking any medications that would lower your sex drive? I took an antibiotic a year ago for a few weeks, and it totally drained any desire that I had to have sex.
Could stress from wedding planning/work/family be causing it?
If you aren’t able to come to a conclusion from talking to each other, why not look into counseling? That way you are both on the same playing field, and the therapist can help you both talk through it..
Good luck 🙂
Post # 5
If your on BC that could have something to do with it…If you are maybe getting off of it or changing to something else!
Post # 6
i too was wondering about medication. many can really mess with your libido.
Post # 7
I agree with the BC thing. When I first got on BC I totally lost my sex drive, but I thought eventually my hormones would settle down some and it would go back to normal. After about 8-10 months I switched to a different one and within 6 weeks my sex drive was back. If you’re on BC definitely talk to your doctor.
Post # 8
I agree with PP’s, if you’re taking some type of BC it could have a significant effect on your sex drive. Or any other type of medication or vitamin/supplement for that matter. When I had the Mirena, I had zero desire for sex. Which is the complete opposite for me. I had it taken out.
If meds aren’t the (possible) issue, then perhaps you could ask your doctor for more advice.
Post # 9
I have a friend who has a very similar problem to yours. She’s been taking birth control for many years but as soon as she switched to a different kind she said that her sex drive literally disappeared–completely. She said it’s very frustrated for both her and her partner, but she is absolutely positive it is the birth control’s fault.
Are you on birth control? Because this may have happened gradually to you as well, and you didn’t even notice it. I would talk to your doctor about switching to another kind or maybe looking at other forms of birth control.
If not, then I definitely think talking to a counselor would be great if your conversation tonight doesn’t lead anywhere.
Post # 10
Yes, I am on birth control… I was on the shot for about 9 months when we had been together about 2 years, and that COMPLETELY wiped my sex drive. This was also right around the time we moved in together….
After that, I switched to the pill, and my sex drive did come back, but it was still ho hum.
The thing is, it’s not that I *never* feel aroused… I occasionally will feel the urge to take care of things myself. I think that’s part of what bothers him. He knows that I feel urges sometimes, but it’s just… easier, I guess, to take care of it myself.
When we do have sex, he almost always finishes before me, and I feel like I can’t let loose and have fun b/c I’m worried it will trigger him, and then if he does finish before me he feels guilty and I feel frustrated.
So, it’s kind of a frustrating cycle- I don’t feel like I can be sexy, so he feels like I don’t feel attracted to him, so I feel frustrated, which makes me actually not feel in a sexy mood with him.
Post # 11
If you are on birth control or other medications that could definitely be causing it. I was on Depo a few years ago, and I felt so messed up. I had no sex drive whatsoever, and it was causing issues between my SO and I. I’m on a different birth control now, and things have gotten much better.
Post # 12
Yeah, check BC or even depression (wedding planning can wreak havoc on a person) but realize that this isn’t a problem that will go away. Ignoring it now will make it worse later. Listen to what he really says tonight and be receptive. Start with the basics – any good counselor/therapist will tell you to go to the doctor and explain the lack of libido and see if there is a medical reason first. Good luck.
Post # 13
I would see a doctor not only about any medications that may be affecting your libido, but maybe there’s something else going on. And if there’s no medical reason why your libido is low, maybe just have sex anyways? I went through a dry spell in a previous relationship, and to get out of it, I would just do it even if I didn’t feel like I was in the mood. And the more I did it, the more I wanted to keep doing it. And if that doesn’t work, maybe just come up with a number of times a month that he wants to have sex that you’re ok with, and just do it. Maybe 5-7? Might not be the most romantic thing, but relationships are about compromise.
Post # 14
I guess it’s really a combination of things… part of it is a decreased sex drive overall, and part of it is being frustrated that we don’t always “click” the way I feel like we should be.
Post # 15
Honestly I will be blunt with you I understand ur situation.But sex is really important in a relationship especially for men and just because you do not want to have sex dont mean you cant please him.Im sure you can have oral sex and if that bothers you etc. than I dont know what to say but if you dont have sex and he tries to resolve this issue and is considerate and this goes on for long some men will cheat not saying that ur man will.Just go see a doctor I have close friend who doesnt feel sex no orgasm nothing ever and she still has sex the excitement is enough for her seeing her man happy.If ur not getting wet use lub………………….. okay ima shut up lol but its normal a lot of women go through stages like this maybe from stress meds etc. So do you not wanna have sex or you are not attracted to him sexually im lost.Watch some female porn before you do it maybe that will put you in the mood I dont know girl but dont worry just talk to ur fi and let him know whats up but make sure you dont tell him you are not atrracted to him sexually that will ruin ur sex life for good.
Post # 16
That’s kind of where I feel like I’m at right now. When we do have sex, I almost always have to use lubricant because… well, I guess this is the definition of “dry spell” right?
When we do have sex I usually enjoy it, I just get frustrated if it doesn’t last long enough… I guess that not a terrible sign, right?