Post # 1
Normally I wouldn’t care but his father and mother had the divorce of all divorces. His father did some really, really screwed up things to the mother after the divorce and is the reasons his kids are still in therapy in their 30’s from all of the emotional blackmail he put them through.
His dad has major issues, issues that I can’t go into but we still celebrate holidays with him and on the surface he is a nice and seemingly stable man. But the divorce was over 25 years ago and he’s still not over it and often gets very angry. He’s walked out on his other kid’s weddings in the past when the mother came in the room.
So….no. I don’t like the idea of putting this man’s ring on my husband’s finger on the day of our wedding. My FI understands my point of view but he likes the fact that it was “handed down to him” by his father.
So….is this any of my business? Would you care?
Post # 3
I see where you’re coming from. I wouldn’t want my fiancée to use a ring from a man who had that kind of history. If he insisted on using it then I would have to go get it cleaned with holy water or melted down and remade. It wouldn’t go on to his finger as it is, that’s for sure.
Post # 4
I would use the gold (?) to have a ring made, but not a wedding ring. Your FI could have it made into a right hand ring?
Post # 5
I had trouble voting because I was torn between “it’s tricky” and “no way.”
“No way” seems a little strong to me so that’s why I hesitated.
I think you have a very valid concern. I would have the same concern too.
The thing that’s bothersome is that your FI “likes the fact that it was handed down” by his father.
I think what you two could do is sit down and talk this out, and weigh YOUR desire to have a baggage-free ring that is just about you two as a couple, against HIS desire to wear his dad’s ring.
How strongly does he feel about wearing that particular ring? Is this a situation of “I’ve always wanted to end up having that as my wedding ring ever since I was a kid?” or more along the lines of “Eh, I need a wedding ring so I might as well wear dad’s since he’s offering it to me?”
I think you being turned off by the ring (for very valid reasons IMO) is a more strong factor than him wanting to wear it.
If one member of the couple is turned off by the wedding ring, ideally they should work together to find something that they both like.
Now if he really, desperately, 100% wants badly to wear this ring, I suppose you could compromise somehow by taking it to a jeweler and having them melt it down and creating a brand new ring out of it. While I wouldn’t care for that idea, I would find it easier to stomach than him wearing the exact same ring his dad wore.
FWIW my DH also proposed wearing his late father’s ring. And I wasn’t crazy about it, even though he had a good relationship with his dad, and his parents had a pretty good marriage. I just really wanted DH to have his own ring, that came from me.
Post # 6
Part of me thinks it would be no big deal… but then part of me thinks I would think about it every time I saw it.
Post # 7
i think melting it down and adding new gold to make a new ring is a good idea. That way, he has his sentimental touch and you both can have something new in the ring.
Post # 8
I am in the melt it down camp, if that is possible. I think it has a very pheonix symbology towards your relationship. Your FI went through a hard time, but being tested like that gave him the strength to make your relationship work.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t personally be thrilled about it, but it’s really his decision. Maybe you can get around it by telling him how disappointed you’ll be because you’d hoped to pick something special out for him.
Post # 10
I don’t believe in karma, or juju, or anything of the sort. A ring is just metal, it’s a thing. It doesn’t hold on to its history, just like building a home in Oklahoma isn’t going to piss off a slough of native american spirits. It isn’t cursed, poxed or haunted.
The ring isn’t the source of the divorce. The ring at one time was a symbol of love and devotion, and people broke that, not the ring.
I wouldn’t mind if my husband wanted to use the ring. I’d want him to have an awesome ring that was his personal style, but if that was the style/type/ring he wanted, I wouldn’t say no.
Post # 11
My fiance gave me his late mother’s wedding set. She was never married and the guy was a jerk. Negativity floating arount it but I had no problem with it- we aren’t them and I am not about to let that ruin my marriage. It’s just jewelry
Post # 12
I don’t think it is for you to decide. It is his ring and his finger. And if it made my DH happy, I would tell him wear whatever ring he wanted. Your marriage has nothing to do with any rings or bands. I do not think trying to emotionally blackmail him with guilt, as suggested by someone else, is the way to go here.
Post # 13
@skippydarling: I’m not sure I’d go all the way with “No Way.” Could you talk to DH and maybe agree to melt it down to make a new ring? If no, I would explain one more time how you feel and let him make the choice. I suppose he’s the one who went through all the trauma…if he can get past that, you can, too!
Post # 15
I agree with PPs – melt it into something new
Post # 16
I said no way. My dad offered my FI his ring but neither of us wanted it because my parents had a terrible divorce. It just didn’t feel right. I love my dad more than anything in this world, but I wanted my FI to have his own new ring.