Post # 1
Way back when I first met him (7 years ago), FI told me he probably wanted to change his last name when he got married. At the time he didn’t have a great relationship with his parents, and he had recently converted to Christianity – his last name is very Jewish (as is his father).
These days he gets along much better with his parents, and considers himself more agnostic than Christian (but still definitely not Jewish). We were talking recently about wedding and marriage stuff and I asked him what his thoughts on it are.
He said he was thinking we would just each keep our maiden names. I said I wanted to have the same name after marriage because I like the sense of unity and of becoming our own little family unit. He thinks me taking his name implies ownership and would seem icky abd unnecessary to him.
Other things to consider: My last name is very Irish, and he is not. He is in academia and has already published a paper (his last name comes before mine alphabetically, but is also very common whereas mine is not). Neither of us likes the idea of hyphenating. I suggested picking a new last name for both of us, but I didn’t have any specific ideas, and he wasn’t very into the idea.
What should I do?? My best plan at the moment is to just tell him I’m taking his name whether he likes it or not, and that it won’t mean he owns me. Haha 🙂
Post # 2
Do you two want to have kids? Because having the same last name means BOTH of you sharing a name with the kids. I’ve always thought that hyphenated names would be a pain for the children (just my opinion, nothing against it.. I just wouldn’t do it).
Post # 3
I think you should just keep talking with him, but prepare yourself to not get your way. Like a woman who doesn’t want to change her name, a man is allowed to not want to change his, or not want to share his with his partner against his beliefs. It may be important for him that you maintain your separate, “original” identities after marriage.
Post # 4
I knew I left something out!
We’re both undecided on kids, with him leaning towards “no” and me leaning towards “yes” (a whole other issue in itself, I know). I agree one name will make things easier if we decide to have kids, but I suspect he will see it as a moot point before we make a decision (we probably won’t revisit the topic seriously until after he finishes his PhD in 4-6 more years). I will bring that up next time we talk about names, though, and see if that helps.
Post # 5
cdmdtc: This may seem kinda out there of a solution .. I would first try to come to a agreement on your current options but, just throwing this out there since you said just making up a new name for you both … why not… combine your two last names to form one unique equally your equally his name… nobody “owns” anybody you are coming together has two halves to make a whole in marriage so why not do the same with your name?! ( you are concerned with his last name being a published last name at the beg of the alphabet maybe start the new name with the beg. of his ) hard to say how that would really work without knowing the names but, I think it makes sense
Post # 6
I’ll say the same thing to you as I would to a woman whose husband insists she changes her name against her wishes: he’s allowed to express his opinion to you, but in the end, it’s your name and your decision.
Honestly, I would be more worried that you two are getting married but not on the same page about having children.
Post # 7
I think that it sort of works both ways–ie, if he DIDN’T want you to keep your maiden name, my advice would be the same:
It’s your name. Do what you want.
(I know this is a creeptastic example, but technically, you *could* change your name to your ex-boyfriend’s name if you really wanted to, and there’s nothing that he could say or do about it.)
I was in academia, and it tends to be biased towards everyone keeping their own name (this is the field in which spouses refer to each-other as “partners.”) and while this might not be HIS feeling, he might be in the sort of environment in which people tend to view women taking their husband’s name as…quaint. But in the end, it kind of doesn’t matter. If you wanted to keep your maiden name, that should be your perogative; if you want to change your name, that should be your perogative too.
On the kids, two comments: 1–please don’t hyphenate! My DH has a hyphenated name and it’s a PITA. Half the time, I can’t even check him in online for flights because his name is never under the right spelling (Smith-Jones? Jones-Smith? Smithjones? just Jones or just Smith? Jonesmith? etc. etc.) He hated it growing up and hates it now. 2–On that note, we’re the family in which everyone has a different last name. He’s Mr. John-Doe; I’m Dr. X; our son is Jr. Doe. So far it’s been okay, but my son is only 2…knock on wood.