FI wants us both to keep our names, but I don't.

posted 2 years ago in Names
Post # 2
Member
2551 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Do you two want to have kids?  Because having the same last name means BOTH of you sharing a name with the kids.  I’ve always thought that hyphenated names would be a pain for the children (just my opinion, nothing against it.. I just wouldn’t do it).

Post # 3
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think you should just keep talking with him, but prepare yourself to not get your way. Like a woman who doesn’t want to change her name, a man is allowed to not want to change his, or not want to share his with his partner against his beliefs. It may be important for him that you maintain your separate, “original” identities after marriage.

Post # 5
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

cdmdtc:  This may seem kinda out there of a solution .. I would first try to come to a agreement on your current options but, just throwing this out there since you said just making up a new name for you both … why not… combine your two last names to form one unique equally your equally his name… nobody “owns” anybody you are coming together has two halves to make a whole in marriage so why  not do the same with your name?! ( you are concerned with his last name being a published last name at the beg of the alphabet maybe start the new name with the beg. of his ) hard to say how that would really work without knowing the names but, I think it makes sense 

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  LadyPeacockk.
Post # 6
Member
3308 posts
Sugar bee

I’ll say the same thing to you as I would to a woman whose husband insists she changes her name against her wishes: he’s allowed to express his opinion to you, but in the end, it’s your name and your decision.

Honestly, I would be more worried that you two are getting married but not on the same page about having children.

Post # 7
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think that it sort of works both ways–ie, if he DIDN’T want you to keep your maiden name, my advice would be the same: 

It’s your name. Do what you want. 

(I know this is a creeptastic example, but technically, you *could* change your name to your ex-boyfriend’s name if you really wanted to, and there’s nothing that he could say or do about it.)

I was in academia, and it tends to be biased towards everyone keeping their own name (this is the field in which spouses refer to each-other as “partners.”) and while this might not be HIS feeling, he might be in the sort of environment in which people tend to view women taking their husband’s name as…quaint. But in the end, it kind of doesn’t matter. If you wanted to keep your maiden name, that should be your perogative; if you want to change your name, that should be your perogative too. 

On the kids, two comments: 1–please don’t hyphenate! My DH has a hyphenated name and it’s a PITA. Half the time, I can’t even check him in online for flights because his name is never under the right spelling (Smith-Jones? Jones-Smith? Smithjones? just Jones or just Smith? Jonesmith? etc. etc.) He hated it growing up and hates it now. 2–On that note, we’re the family in which everyone has a different last name. He’s Mr. John-Doe; I’m Dr. X; our son is Jr. Doe. So far it’s been okay, but my son is only 2…knock on wood. 

 

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