FI Weight Gain Affecting Our Sex Life

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

SerendipityBride:  Is he depressed?  Other staying home all the time, what has changed about him?  Did he lose his job?  Miss out on a promotion?  It honestly sounds like more than just letting himself go.  Eating comforts him in some way that he chooses that over dealing with whatever is bothering him.

Other than that, as the Bees always recommend, see a couples therapist so you can constructively criticize his behavior in a way that won’t reinforce the eating and lack of exercise.  When my husband complains to me about the 10 pounds I have gained since we met it doesn’t make me want to eat better or exercise to lose it, it makes me feel like crap and I want to eat even mroe and exercise even less.  I think situations like these are ones where a neutral third party is needed to help you have the discussion in a way that he is encouraged to take better care of himself rather than feel like a big fat blob that you’re eventually going to leave.

Post # 3
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

Tell him the ugly truth. You love him at any size but that doesn’t mean you want him at his bigger size. Doesn’t mean you’ll leave him, reassure him of that… Ask him what you can do for him to get on board with weight loss. He used to be active he can do it again. Remind him how high your libido is and how his needs to go back up. Sometimes when you hit them with the truth in such a blunt manner they realize the problem is bigger than they thought and action needs to be taken.

Post # 4
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i think you need to point things out nicely (not to say you’ve not been doing that!). but if he finishes dinner and then goes to make a sandwich you should point blank say ‘you just ate a full balanced meal, so i know you’re not hungry. what’s up?’ maybe he’s anxious, depressed etc and hopefully that will cause him to see how out of control his behaviour is. 

the trick will be to say it calmly and in a non judgemental way so that you’re stating a fact of ‘what else is going on?’ rather than making fun of him. 

Post # 5
Member
1905 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

5’11 and 155 would be a stick! Eek

Post # 6
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

SerendipityBride:   I’m trying to put myself in your place.  My husband is very active and healthy and loves to go out and have fun with me.  We’re both at a healthy weight and have a great sex life.  So, if that suddenly changed, he gained 50 pounds and had a drastic personality change such as the one you’re describing, I would definitely be concerned.  I’d be concerned for him and wonder if he was depressed.  Or if he could be going through a lazy phase.  Maybe it’s just a low cycle for him and he’ll bounce back from it on his own.  I go through lazy phases sometimes myself, just because.

Either way, I wouldn’t criticize my husband, ever, or lose my sexual attraction to him (I can’t even imagine that).  Because I love him for who he is, not just what he looks like.  People change and age over time, nobody stays healthy and fit forever.  Well, hardly anyone does.

The main thing I’d be concerned about is your FI seems sad and down and suddenly afraid you’re going to leave him.  Is he really stressed out lately?

Post # 7
Member
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

 

SerendipityBride:  Sounds like there’s something more going on.  I think he might be depressed, or be having issues. 

Weight is a super sensitive topic especially if he knows he’s gotten heavy and isn’t happy about it, so whatever you decide to do, choose your words very carefully and tread lightly.

Post # 8
Member
4639 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think he should see a doctor. Whether he be suffering from something physical or mental, a suddent change in both behavior and weight is alarming.

Instead of trying to make him healthier by cooking or working out, try to get him to a doctor! There could be an underlying reason for this.

Post # 9
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Encourage him to see a Dr and get checked out. he may just be in a slump or he may lack motivation because he’s depressed. I hope he can get back on track and start feeling better about himself soon! When my husband and I put on a little weight we each turn into sloths. 

Post # 10
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Agree with PPs that there seems to be more going on.  I would talk to him to ask why he thinks the change has happened and make it clear that you’re concerned about his mental and physical health.  It’s possible he’s depressed or has hormone/thyroid issues.

Post # 13
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

SerendipityBride:   Well, maybe he’s ok with himself being this way?  If he is ok and is happy are you going to be happy? 

Post # 15
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

SerendipityBride:  

Honestly, its not his weight gain that is bothering you, What is upsetting you is the way he has settled into your relationship and no longer believes he has to work or win you. If the sex has stopped then so has the good, satisfying daily affection and so has the drive to do things for you, to please you. A relationship is about feeling appreciated. You feel unnapreciated and you are latching onto the weight gain. Figure out what it is he is not giving you that you want and need and focus on that. Trust me, its not the gut, its the guy. 

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