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And he decided to come tell me while I was at work, with my boss and co-worker in ear-shot. He said he just went to the lawyer and that we'll get it when she's done, I have to take it to my lawyer and then sign it.
I didn't say much at the office, as my desk is at the front and didn't want to make any trouble if a client walked in. Not to mention, with my co-workers around. I stewed about it 'til the end of the day when I could phone my family and find out if I should use the lawyer they use, and vent.
Obviously, I'm not happy about this one iota. He didn't discuss this with me, AT ALL. He mentioned to me once, probably a year ago, before we got engaged, that he's thought about getting a pre-nup when he got married. THATS IT! So, without sitting down and discussing our finances, he decided to go straight to a lawyer.
I had a quick conversation over the phone asking him what the hell he's thinking. His excuse, "I didn't think it was that big of a deal." and "I didn't want to say anything until I knew for sure something could be done." WHAT?! That doesn't even make sense! So, you'll go and make this big decision, without me knowing, behind my back, and wouldn't have told me anything if you couldn't get one??
I'm mad, upset, and numb all at the same time. I don't even know if I want to stay with him anymore. I feel like he doesn't trust me (even though he claims he does) and that he's setting us up for failure. I would have been okay with discussing a pre-nup MONTHS ago, not him throwing it at me 2 weeks before our wedding!! I want to say that if his biggest worry right now is that IF something happens, that I'm going to take everything from him, when he knows I DO NOT want his money even NOW, then we need to sit down and decide if this marriage is going to work. He's not at home right now, and I kind of wish he wouldn't come home 'cause I feel like I'll leave...
Am I out of line, here Bees?! Should I be this upset about this?! Am I overreacting?? Enlighten me...
Well... this is just my opinion.. I would definately be upset with my fiance if he did this behind me back. However, I don't think it's a reason to say you don't know if you want to stay with him (althought i have a feeling that's just the emotion talking :) )
I would honestly just sit down with him and discuss why it bothers you and why he wants to do this. Ask him why he didn't talk to you about it first and let him know how it makes you feel. Sometimes guys don't get how feelings I work I think so we have to explain... and explain.. and explain.
Good luck and I am sure it will all work out!!
I honestly dont think your over reacting, I would feel the exact same way. I dont know what advice to give you, but I would probably go stay somewhere else for a couple days to think about everything to see what you really want, and have a big talk with him. Sorry this happened!
Well, I would be pissed, and i consider myself to be a fairly understanding individual.
He SHOULD have talked with you first. Did he not think that there would be anything YOU might like to add for starters? OR even that it might possibly be a terrible thing to spring on someone randomly.
Either way it should have been something that you BOTH should have talked about and agreed to and came up with the terms and conditions togther
The way he went about it was horrible, and I would be incredibly pissed as well!
However, can you imagine not spending your life with him? Walking away would be a huge step, and I think it might be a bit over-dramatic. I'm not trying to say he didn't royally screw up, I'm just not convinced it's worth throwing your relationship out the window over it.
Sit down with him and tell him everything about it that upsets you. Talk it out, and see where both of you stand and why. Leaving won't really solve much :(.
Go to parents or a friends for the night... that way you can calm down and then tomrrow or the next day TALK about it... calmly.
@CherryWaves: I think you are entitled to be upset! I would be. If my FI went to an attorney and drew up PRE NUP papers without my knowledge I would feel betrayal, hurt, distrust, anger, malice, confusion, all sorts of things. He should have come to you and y'all discussed this as a couple. Marriage is not one sided. It is a union between two people. I would be equally upset.
Are you more upset about the fact that he got a prenup or that he got a prenup without discussing it with you first? It sounds like you knew about his thinking of getting a prenup before getting married, so it was not a TOTAL surprise. I think after you have calmed down, you have a conversation with him about what bothered you about the situation-communication is key. I don't think you should throw in the towel about this. Couples can make it through mostly anything as long as there is open communication and honesty. Talk to him. Best of Luck!
I don't think I'd be so upset to question being with him. My FI mentioned it to me months ago, and we haven't really talked about it since. If he brought one to me 2 weeks before, I don't think I'd bat an eye.
Of course I have no issue with signing one either.
I don't think you are overreacting at all. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership where you make important life changing decisions together. He not only did this without discussing it with you, but he also sprung it on you at work where you couldn't even freely talk about it. That's not mature. And now you only have two weeks to have your lawyer look it over and possibly make any changes. If you're going to do the pre-nup, you need to take the time to make sure your interests are protected to. Is he so sure of this that he'd be willing to postpone the wedding if you run out of time to work out the agreement?
Wow. I would definitely tell him that decisions like this need to be made as a couple, not sprung on each other once the wheels are already in motion. Otherwise I forsee major communication issues in your marriage.
Two weeks before the wedding...geez, is he just having a major attack of cold feet or what? I'd be livid right now. Make sure you talk it out with him and then see how you feel. Don't make any rash decisions, but don't ignore your gut feelings either.
Hope you can work it out, but no matter what, I just want you to do what's best for YOU.
I'm upset about both facts; that he didn't say anything and that he wants me to sign one. He mentioned it to me once, and I thought it was just a pre-caution in his mind, a thought that would be discussed with whomever his spouse would be.
Maybe my emotions are taking a toll one me in the respect of wanting to walk away, but its how I'm feeling. This is his first serious offence. I know that we have to talk about it, and we will, but I just needed to vent more and make sure I wasn't completely out of line before we talked. I know, for sure, that I do not want to enter a marriage with someone who a) is more worried about his money and possessions then his wife's feelings (because, what would he have done if I said that I wouldn't sign it right off the bat?!) and b) won't communicate and discuss decisions that directly effect me.
Theres never a better time than now to talk things over!
My guess is since you already kind of touched on the subject and you didn't have the conversation then ( aka freak out), he didn't see it as a big deal going ahead and getting it done.
I think you should definitely take a step back and breathe! Your emotions are already all crazy with marriage and remember all the reasons why you do want to be married, which have nothing to do with money!
I'd be pissed as shit if my DH had pulled a stunt like that and then tell you at your workplace?!?!?! I wouldn't even know what to think of that.
*I have no problems with pre-nups - I have problems with partners going behind each other's back and then telling them in a (imo) cowardly fashion - because I bet he expected that you wouldn't say anything/blow up at work.
This is ridiculous! Seriously, what else will he just decide isn't a big deal and go do on his own???
I would be just as pissed and I would also be rethinking if that was the man for me.
Seriously, 2 weeks before the wedding??? He's having a massive case of cold feet it seems.
A pre-nup doesn't set you up for failure, a bad relationship does. If you have a good relationship, you have nothing to fear.
@Eva Peron: Awe! Can always count on you to knock some sense! lol
Thats what he said, that he didn't think it was a big deal. I just don't know how to get him to understand that we're going to be a couple and these kinds of decisions need to be discussed before either of us makes any kind of move...
But...when he mentioned it the first time, what was your reaction? (If you were like, "oh maybe, whatever..." then he would have had good reason to honestly think you wouldn't have thought it was a big deal!)
Since this is so out of the blue, and last minute, I'm wondering if behaviour like this is out of character for him? I'm thinking that perhaps he caved to some external pressures, from say his parents? Just a theory......
ETA: I'd be pissed as hell, too, for him to have sprung some shit on me last minute like that, w/o discussing it first.
@CherryWaves: Girl, I would probably freak out and cry, especially at work- you are totally okay for feeling the way you do. But if there is one thing that I have learned is that everything goes over a guys head, they are just like .. UHHH...DUHHH...What? and mean while girls are ripping their hair out and stuffing their face in Ben & Jerry's half the time.
Make sure you tell him what has been going through your head with the trust issues etc, and this will help him to better understand how you work when it comes to marriage and every other big decision you guys will have to make. The other great thing is whatever he has done so far, can always be undone!
@CherryWaves: I'm very pro-pre-nup, and would never consider getting married without one. The main reason is that couples who have a pre-nup are statistically more likely to stay together, most likely because they've discussed and agreed about their financial situation before entering a marriage. Getting a pre-nup secretly written without even talking to your SO completely goes against what I consider to be the most beneficial attribute of a pre-nup. What he did, in my opinion, is completely awful.
I think you need to have a serious talk with him about this. He needs to hear and answer the concerns you listed.
I hope you can work things out! I would be so furious.... hopefully you can stay more level-headed than I would!
@joy2011: Honestly, I don't remember my reaction. It was over a year ago, way before we got engaged. I might have been understanding, just nodded and said, "Mm, I see." and left it at that. I do know we didn't go in-depth with it and I didn't tell him how I truely felt about it.
@Wonderwoman217: I asked him if anything or anyone pushed you to make this decision. His reply, "My accountant. He said I should consider and try and see if I could get a pre-nup"
EDIT: I don't know when this was or if there's been anyone else. It was a quick phone conversation...
@MissBananaBread: I'm not ENTIRELY against a pre-nup. I've actually never had a real opinion on it, because it's never come up with anyone I know. All I know, is that it's definitely something that should be discussed.
I have an issue with the timing. I would refuse to sign it and this is coming from someone who has one. Ours took weeks and weeks to settle as our lawyers went back and forth with various edits. Also we both discussed the terms and agreed on them as a couple. I would be concerned and just flat out refuse.
@CherryWaves: Is that an accountants job to convince their customers to get prenups?? Thats a very personal thing for an accountant to suggest to someone. Wow.
I would be upset personally. I'd wonder what other big choices he'd make behind my back. I think you need to calm down before you talk to him because raw emotion isnt going help (and I think you're entitled to it)
@Earlybride: Thats what I thought!! I asked my family if this was something accountant's did and they were just as surprised as I was!
Another thought- you could go to your own lawyer and have completely different pre-nup written up without his input, then tell him to sign it. Maybe it'll show him that it's not very thoughtful to completely exclude your SO from major decisions like that.
Yeah no, I would not be okay with this 2 weeks before my wedding. The terms of a prenuptual agreement are things you two should have mutually hashed out together. It is not right for your fiance to go have his lawyer draft one and then send it for you to sign. I'm pretty sure if I were in your shoes, I would not marry him without some SERIOUS conversations with our families, attorneys, and ourselves.
If push comes to shove, postpone the wedding. Don't get pressured into signing something at the last minute.
@MrsStrawberry1: Good idea!! If he wants to have this prenup and shes okay with it, postpone the wedding and get this prenup thing written out by both lawyers.
I would be annoyed if my fiance went and did that without me and then spung it on me while I was at work. I don't see why wanting a prenup is a reason not to stay with him. Prenups are a safety net for "what ifs", not an accusation to you. It's meant to protect you and to protect him. Think of it as "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst" type of thing :-)
I would be so angry and hurt right now. That was a pretty underhanded thing he did. Personally I would have to postpone the wedding over this as there is no way my lawyers could fit in wrangling over a prenup in two weeks! Did you guys do premarital counseling? Did he bring this up there? I can't imagine how a guy would think this is an okay move two weeks before the wedding.
I will have to say, my accountant has recommended it. But I don't know many 22 year olds that are in the same boat as me.
If I were put in this case, I would to be HOT. I'm obviously very pro prenup. But done all wrong. Hopefully you figure all this out.
I would be LIVID if my DH would have pulled something like this 2 weeks before the wedding. This isn't something for him to just go off and do without discussion that drop it on you, at work no less, without warning. This should be such a happy exciting time, not a time to be dealing with edits and amendments with lawyers and such. I would probably seriously consider postponing until I had worked all this out.
He had to know you would be upset, or else he would have would have delt with this respectfully and with a lot of discussion before he went out and started the process without your consent. Also, telling you at work was a blatant attempt to muzle your response (he knew you would be upset, so he told you where he was spared your full reaction).
I don't know if I could marry someone who had so little respect for me, and obviously cared more for his money than my feelings.
We have a pre-nup and we actually didn't end up signing it until a few days before the wedding, but we had discussed it and agreed upon it well before the fact. I would be upset about the timing and the way it was presented to you for sure. Take a breather, go for a walk, calm down a bit before you talk to him. I don't think this is a deal breaker, it was just ill thought out on his part. There needs to be better communication for sure.
I think it's weird for him to have done this 2 weeks before the wedding, especially if he had some inkling of maybe wanting one as far back as a year ago. There's been plenty of time for him to discuss it with you more seriously and work towards it together. Tossing it at you two weeks before pressures you to sign it right away so you don't jeopardize the wedding as planned.
I wouldn't necessarily think it was weird for his attorney to have drawn up the prenup, and then given it to you to have your attorney review, IF it was something you guys had discussed more seriously and you had plenty of time to review it with your attorney and suggest changes if necessary. But that's obviously not the case here. I think there is no good reason he couldn't have even mentioned to you he was going to do this. And I even just noticed that in your post you said he told you he went to the lawyer today and you guys will get it when she's done...so what the heck does that mean? You'll get it next week? You may want to find out if there's a waiting period requirement where you live. For example, I believe here in California there have to be 7 days between the date the prenup is presented and the date it's signed. The entire purpose of that is to prevent situations (almost like the one you have here...) where one party presents a prenup to the other on the eve of their wedding so there's pressure to sign right away without a thorough review or reflection.
I honestly don't know what I'd do if I were in your situation. I'd be pissed as hell and probably would be having the kind of second thoughts you're having.
Actually, strike that - I do know one thing I would do. Instead of thinking about whether I wanted to not marry him, I'd turn it right back around on him - I'd ask him directly, "So, if I don't want to sign it, are you going to back out of the marriage?" His answer might be very telling.
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