Post # 1
Hey, bees. I’m starting to get a little irritated by my FI’s attitude about the wedding. At first, he seemed really excited about it, but now I’m not sure what to think.
BEFORE: He wanted to invite over twice as many people as I wanted there. We agreed on 90, and that feels like way too many people to me, but I’m okay with it because I want him to be happy at our wedding. He was saying that the wedding is all about “showing me off” and that he wanted everyone there so that they could see how great I am and how happy we are.
NOW: He’s saying that the wedding is a waste of time and money and that all he wanted was his mom and grandmother to be there, and now the wedding is pointless because they both passed away. Then he quickly amended his statement saying that it’s now all for me and my family.
I didn’t WANT a big wedding, HE did. My family and I would have been fine with us eloping or having a small backyard wedding. HE insisted on a wedding that is suddenly a waste of time and money? What happened to showing me off?! Note, he said that AFTER his mom and grandma passed away, so what changed?! Either it’s a waste of time/money or it’s important to show me off, it can’t be both!!
Honestly, I’m a little hurt that he insisted upon all of this and now he thinks it’s a waste. I wish he had told me he felt this way before we made all these payments and invited everybody. We could have just eloped. My mother offered to give us MONEY to elope. But more than that, I wish he would think about the things he says, because now it seems like he feels that “showing me off” is a waste of time and money and that kinda hurts my feelings.
Sorry for the long vent, but I really needed to get this off my chest and my friends are too close to this matter to really vent to. Thanks for reading.
Post # 3
Sorry his mindset has changed especially when you thought you were compromising to please him in the first place. I understand it is difficult but try to cut him a little slack as his mom and grandma not being there is really an adjustment for him. My dad passed away before i was married the first time. I was so lost without him and couldnt imagine a wedding without him being there. My heart quickly changed from wanting the whole princess party to not wanting anyone there if my daddy couldnt be there. We ended up at the justice of the peace as a result. He probably is so upset that they cant be there that he is just using these other excuses to show his sadness rather than addressing his true feelings od disappointment. I know its not easy but try to stay positive. Hopefully by theday of some of the excitement will return withi them and you guys can find a way to honor them but go o and have a memorable time without them.
Post # 5
it sounds like something other than the wedding is bothering him. Men are known to be passive-aggressive when it comes to emotional issues. Level with him and see what’s up. Tell him you only want him and if all the other stuff is going to make him miserable then you can still pull the plug. and change plans, you thought you were honoring his wishes with the big affair. Definitely time to re-evaluate your wedding plans, because whatever you decide on, big/small/three ring circus-you deserve to be happy and proud, and so does he.
Post # 7
@DaisyDreamer: Thanks for the advice. I know it’s been really hard on him, and I’ve been trying really hard to be understanding and doing as much as I can to help him, it’s just really frustrating that we got in this huge fight over the size of the wedding and now he’s calling it a waste. I just want him to be happy, but sometimes it seems like nothing I do accomplishes that.
@weddingnerd: You’re probably right. I know what’s bothering him, I just wish that instead of hurting my feelings, he would talk to me about it.
I know a big part of it is his mother passing away last year, and I know it’s hard for him. I’m doing the best I can, but it’s difficult sometimes, especially when he says stuff like that, knowing that it would hurt my feelings.
I know another big part is the big move we have coming up and his subsequent job hunt. I was offered a job in another town that I’m going to be starting a couple of weeks after the wedding, and he’s frustrated because he doesn’t have a job yet and he hates looking for jobs and moving is stressful. I know he’s super stressed, and I get that; I’m stressed too. I just wish he would remember that sometimes and talk to me about it or do something to de-stress instead of bottling it up. This is a recurring issue. He doesn’t handle stress well. He’s working on it, but progress is slow.
He says he still wants to go through with the whole big wedding song and dance, but I’m not sure that that’s the truth. I think he only says that because the invitations are already sent and everything’s pretty much ready. I just want him to feel happy that we’re getting married, and sometimes I don’t feel like he is, and it absolutely breaks my heart.
Post # 8
Honestly I would be more concerned if his feelings on the wedding didn‘t change after losing both his grandmother and mother during the planning period. Those are really big losses and of course it’s going to make him look at a big celebration differently. I would try to focus less on your hurt feelings (like seriously is he supposed to go back in time before his grandmother/mother passed and not fight with you about the list ??) and focus more on getting him to communicate with you effectively. I understand it’s upsetting to hear him say negative things about your wedding, but he deserves a lot of slack I think in this situation.
Post # 9
@MmeVT: As I said in my original post, the arguments I’m mentioning all happened several months after his mother and grandmother passed away. That’s why it’s confusing.
We had the biggest argument over the size of the wedding less than six months ago and his family members passed away almost a year ago and about two years ago. He was all about having a big wedding until maybe a month or two ago. That’s what I don’t understand.
In February he was all about “showing me off” and saying “we should invite 120 people” and he’s just now talking about it being a waste in the past month or so. It would make a lot more sense if we had had these arguments say, a year ago, and then he changed his mind after his mother passed away. That, I would totally understand. But his mindset has made a complete 180 in three months, and that’s what seems odd to me.
Post # 10
@kayrie95: Oops, sorry! I didn’t read closely enough. Ok, well that is a different story. Have you sat down and just flat out discussed his 180 in feelings about the wedding? It might just be kind of pre-wedding jitters now that it’s coming right up and the money is being spent and it just all seems very real. I would let him know how much his comments hurt your feelings, he might feel like he is just venting and not realize that it really bothers you, especially considering the wedding choices that you made because of what he wanted.
I’m sure he is still excited to marry you and you will have a lovely day and he’s just having a bit of a hard time now right in the home stretch.
Post # 11
@MmeVT: It’s okay. Reading back, I didn’t make that very clear (I mentioned it once and it was buried in text). I’m hoping that it’s just the stress of wedding planning plus job searching plus the impending move.
And the more I think about it, the more I think it really hit him in the past couple of weeks that his mother and grandmother aren’t going to be there. I realize I should cut him a lot of slack due to this, and I’m trying to. I was just really hurt and confused by his recent statements considering how he felt just a few months ago.
I think he realized how much what he said hurt me; I didn’t hide it and he changed what he said after looking at my face. He’s not exactly great at saying things the way he intends to or considering my feelings before talking (we’re working on it, but he still has times like this every now and then). It just made me really sad that he felt that way. I came on here mostly for a way to express those feelings without adding to his stress or dragging my friends (all of whom are very busy and/or sick 🙁 ) into the mix, and in hopes that I could get a fresh perspective on all of this.
I think if he says anything else like that, we’ll have to have a talk about it, but right now we’ve got so much on our plate that I don’t feel like it’s helpful to bring it up (which is probably why I’m venting on here, lol). We’ve had a major complication come up that we’re trying to hash out, so right now that’s on the top of our to-do list.
Thanks for the advice, ladies. I think I just needed to take a step back for a minute so I could see what was really going on and handle things better. I tend to get caught up in the “right now” problems and not see the underlying stress and long-term things, so it was really helpful to be reminded that it’s not just about what’s happening at this very moment. I need to remember that.