Fiance acting suspicious…messaged from ex.

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

You have every right to feel insecure with him. He is bringing it upon himself and is getting caught. Has he admitted to maybe having a problem and trying to get help? If not, and if he is in denial and arguing with you like you are the crazy one then I think it would be a good time to rethink this relationship. I hope the best for you and don’t want this to be an ongoing thing, it is too much heartache and you don’t deserve that after all the chances it sounds like you have given him.

Post # 3
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

hurtbee12345:  It’s definitely suspicious. Have you asked him why he has added/changed all of his passwords since you spoke to him about the saved picture? If so, what was his response?

Post # 4
4147 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’d be out! Sorry, but I have no tolerance for guys who do things like this, and he’s proven to have cheated in the past, sex or not.  It’s not acceptable in any way.

Post # 5
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honestly, I think he doesn’t want you going through his stuff, but I also don’t think that necessarily means he has something to hide.If you distrust him to the point that you feel the need to check his emails, then maybe you should consider couple’s counseling. Spending your life checking up on him/being checked up on is no way to live.

Post # 6
151 posts
Blushing bee

It’s not weird that he changed his passwords.  He doesn’t want you looking through his stuff.  I don’t blame him.  I also don’t blame you for your trust issues.  He has proven untrustworthy in the past.  You guys need to work that out or go your separate ways.  Reading through his old emails is not helpful to anyone. 

Post # 7
209 posts
Helper bee

I agree with sara-tiara I just think he tried to gain some privacy back after you saw his message.


HOWEVER I would also be struggling with trust and thats not your issues, it’s his. He betrayed and he has to live with the consequences. That being he has hurt partner and he should be making that upto you and working everyday to earn you trust back. 

If I had done wrong by my SO I would fully expect him to not trust me and I would put 100% in every day to ensure that he knew he was my one and only. Ask yourslef them questions is he working with you to fix the trust? 

Only you know your partner and whether you can trust him again. I personally would be making an exit plan in my head but that’s only becuase I imediatly think of my ex when I read your story and the things my ex got up to. But your partner is not the same person as my ex and your relationship is different than ours was, so it is unfair to brand him with the same brush.

Would you consider councilling? Hope your ok x

Post # 8
1927 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

If I found out my husband was snooping through my email, and then confronted me on a ‘saved’ email from years ago (Why would you bother ‘unsaving’ emails?), I would definitely be changing my passwords, whether or not I had anything to hide, so no, I don’t think that’s strange.

What is going on is – you don’t trust him, and he doesn’t trust you.

Post # 10
1437 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

From everything else you mentioned in your post, this old photo would be the least of my worries. He drunkenly fooled around/cheated, and then professed his love for his ex while you were pregnant? Yeah, that would be a case of “two strikes, you’re out” for me. Seems like you’re just waiting around for him to make it three.

ETA: AND he is a heroin addict? I am not trying to be insensitive, I swear…but what exactly is keeping you with this person? I understand that you have a child together, but that doesn’t tether you to a crumbling relationship indefinitely.

Post # 13
6789 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

I’m going to take the opposite approach as most of the PPs.

OP, if I were in your position and was recovering and trying to rebuild your relationship after my husband cheated on me, the only way I could move on and begin to trust him would be if there was a complete 100% open password/phone policy. 

I get why he changed his passwords, but if it is really important to you to go through a “sharing” stage to help you regain trust, then I think he 100% needs to be a completely open book with everything. Not only did you find those e-mails to his ex, but he physically cheated with what sounds like a pretty random girl. If he came into contact with his ex, I would not be surprised if something physical might happen, given his previous communication with her (while you were pregnant). I’m with you here – he’s totally breached your trust, and it’s on him to do what needs to be done to make you comfortable and regain that trust. If this is important to you, communicate it to him and if he really wants to work on your future maybe he will see your point of view.

Post # 14
1437 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

FutureDrAtkins:  I agree. It would be one thing if she was just doing this out of the blue. But in a relationship that is healing after infidelity, transparency is necessary and appropriate. I’m not saying that means “go through all his stuff every day,” I’m just saying that in her shoes, I’d be pretty uncomfortable with the current situation, too.

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