Post # 1
Alright bees, going anonymous on this one.
So a while back I saw some interesting messages from FH to his ex (of 8 years) via email. The messages were saying things about him missing her, still loving her, how no one could ever compare to her, etc. I backtracked and figured that these messages were sent while I was pregnant! Anyways, we talked about that, moved on, etc.
Fast forward a year and a half and I saw in his saved email another message saved from his ex. I opened it, and it was a naked picture of her. Granted, it was sent before we were dating, but why was it saved? I deleted the picture and then confronted him. This time when I confronted him, he denied knowing he even had it (which I might’ve been able to believe) but right after, he changed his passwords on EVERYTHING which makes me a bit suspicious.
And before anyone asks, no I don’t “snoop” all the time. We had some problems last fall and he cheated on me (got drunk and fooled around –no sex that Ik of–with some girl). Ever since I have a hard time with trust, but am working on it. Anyways, I can usually tell when he is hiding something or acting out of the ordinary, and he happened to leave his email open today so I just took a quick look and saw the naked pic.
Does anyone think that it is strange that he had this picture saved and after I found it and told him I deleted it, he changed all of his passwords? Or am I crazy?
I will add, that email is likely the only way he would contact her because she also has a boyfriend. So I know that he wouldn’t text or call her.
Post # 2
You have every right to feel insecure with him. He is bringing it upon himself and is getting caught. Has he admitted to maybe having a problem and trying to get help? If not, and if he is in denial and arguing with you like you are the crazy one then I think it would be a good time to rethink this relationship. I hope the best for you and don’t want this to be an ongoing thing, it is too much heartache and you don’t deserve that after all the chances it sounds like you have given him.
Post # 3
hurtbee12345: It’s definitely suspicious. Have you asked him why he has added/changed all of his passwords since you spoke to him about the saved picture? If so, what was his response?
Post # 4
I’d be out! Sorry, but I have no tolerance for guys who do things like this, and he’s proven to have cheated in the past, sex or not. It’s not acceptable in any way.
Post # 5
Honestly, I think he doesn’t want you going through his stuff, but I also don’t think that necessarily means he has something to hide.If you distrust him to the point that you feel the need to check his emails, then maybe you should consider couple’s counseling. Spending your life checking up on him/being checked up on is no way to live.
Post # 6
It’s not weird that he changed his passwords. He doesn’t want you looking through his stuff. I don’t blame him. I also don’t blame you for your trust issues. He has proven untrustworthy in the past. You guys need to work that out or go your separate ways. Reading through his old emails is not helpful to anyone.
Post # 7
I agree with sara-tiara I just think he tried to gain some privacy back after you saw his message.
HOWEVER I would also be struggling with trust and thats not your issues, it’s his. He betrayed and he has to live with the consequences. That being he has hurt partner and he should be making that upto you and working everyday to earn you trust back.
If I had done wrong by my SO I would fully expect him to not trust me and I would put 100% in every day to ensure that he knew he was my one and only. Ask yourslef them questions is he working with you to fix the trust?
Only you know your partner and whether you can trust him again. I personally would be making an exit plan in my head but that’s only becuase I imediatly think of my ex when I read your story and the things my ex got up to. But your partner is not the same person as my ex and your relationship is different than ours was, so it is unfair to brand him with the same brush.
Would you consider councilling? Hope your ok x
Post # 8
If I found out my husband was snooping through my email, and then confronted me on a ‘saved’ email from years ago (Why would you bother ‘unsaving’ emails?), I would definitely be changing my passwords, whether or not I had anything to hide, so no, I don’t think that’s strange.
What is going on is – you don’t trust him, and he doesn’t trust you.
Post # 9
Alright y’all I added the last part because I expected rude comments about me snooping. Here’s the thing. I DO NOT go through his stuff on a daily basis. I didn’t want to put why I did because I didn’t want THAT to be the focus of this thread.but I’ll explain since I’m still getting comments about invading his privacy already anyways.
He is also a recovering drug addict (heroin). He recently relapsed and left home. He has been gone for two days, so yes I went through some of his stuff because I have no idea what is going on with him now and that was a huge setback on my trust in him. He wants to come home, but seeing as we have a child I do not want him home unless he is ready to get sober. In the past, he emailed dealers so THAT is what I was trying to see.not just to be a crazy, nosy, suspicious fiance.
Post # 10
From everything else you mentioned in your post, this old photo would be the least of my worries. He drunkenly fooled around/cheated, and then professed his love for his ex while you were pregnant? Yeah, that would be a case of “two strikes, you’re out” for me. Seems like you’re just waiting around for him to make it three.
ETA: AND he is a heroin addict? I am not trying to be insensitive, I swear…but what exactly is keeping you with this person? I understand that you have a child together, but that doesn’t tether you to a crumbling relationship indefinitely.
Post # 11
CityBearBride: well, idk usually normal people delete nude photos of their ex after breaking up or getting into a new relationship? that’s why I thought he might “bother” to delete that.
And I was no snooping. Please refer to my other post before making it seem like I’m just snooping.
Post # 13
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
I’m going to take the opposite approach as most of the PPs.
OP, if I were in your position and was recovering and trying to rebuild your relationship after my husband cheated on me, the only way I could move on and begin to trust him would be if there was a complete 100% open password/phone policy.
I get why he changed his passwords, but if it is really important to you to go through a “sharing” stage to help you regain trust, then I think he 100% needs to be a completely open book with everything. Not only did you find those e-mails to his ex, but he physically cheated with what sounds like a pretty random girl. If he came into contact with his ex, I would not be surprised if something physical might happen, given his previous communication with her (while you were pregnant). I’m with you here – he’s totally breached your trust, and it’s on him to do what needs to be done to make you comfortable and regain that trust. If this is important to you, communicate it to him and if he really wants to work on your future maybe he will see your point of view.
Post # 14
FutureDrAtkins: I agree. It would be one thing if she was just doing this out of the blue. But in a relationship that is healing after infidelity, transparency is necessary and appropriate. I’m not saying that means “go through all his stuff every day,” I’m just saying that in her shoes, I’d be pretty uncomfortable with the current situation, too.
Post # 15
applecat: yeah, I didn’t want to add that part because I know it makes him sound worse than he is. When he was sober (about two years) he is an amazing person. The messages to his ex a while back were really upsetting, and he never actually admitted to them…again, he said he doesn’t remember sending them. Yhatbwas in the very beginning of our relationship, and I actually didn’t find out about them until after I had our daughter a while later. ( Not that it makes it ok). We were doing couples counseling to work on it for about 6 months.she really didn’t acknowledge the fact that he cheated, actually. Sort of just told me to get over it. :/ we quit going cuz FI didnt like her.