(Closed) Fiance and Family conflict…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

The “incident” is still fresh so I would give it time to calm down.  I personally don’t think he was disrespectful when he offered up the “debate rules”.  I think that was a good move when you are dealing with a subject that people feel strongly about and people who are very outspoken.

Aside from those random comments :)… I don’t know you both personally but the fact that he’s willing to own up to his mistakes (ie apologizing to your family for the outburst) and willing to work things out with your sister, tells a lot about his character. I think moving into your own place is a great idea.  See what happens with the relationship when you don’t have your family around all the time. 

Post # 4
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My first thought is your Fi put up with a lot. It sounds like a lot of pent up frustration, and everyone has his moments, if this is all his done after years of dating you your family doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Your fi seems reasonable as he sees where he made mistakes.

Second you are an adult why should your fi be having conversations about your living arrangements with your parents? You need to stand up and learn to make your own choices. if you can’t do anything without your parents approval perhaps you aren’t ready gor marriage, because that will be causing major inlaw issues. Your parents need to realize you are an adult, and you need start acting like it.

Your parents can give advice when they are asked for it. You need to grow a backbone and start being an adult partner to your Fi, you need to set boundaries and stop letting your parents be such a cental figures in your relationship. They don’t have the right to be butting in and even bring up these subjects with your Fi. Your behavior and boundaries are going to determine how the relationship between your fi and family proceeds. good luck

Post # 5
Member
1274 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s wise if you do live on your own for awhile before marriage and living with your FI. It will give you both the space you need from your family and time to work through any issues between your family and your FI. 

Parents meddling in your relationship no matter how close you are to your family, is usually a recipe for disaster.  Your mom thinking it was disrespectful to have a discussion/debate and have rules to it, is ridiculous. That’s actually a really reasonable and mature way of talking something out with many different opinions. Not sure why a discussion of where YOU live was necessary to them at all, but to each their own. Of course they are concerned about their child but you’re not a little girl and are quite capable of making your own decisions. I think your fiance sounds like a very mature guy, he made a mistake lashing out while drunk, he apologized to everyone and seems like he sincerely meant it. Your family needs to get over it.

I think he is worried you are always going to put your family before him. So you need to figure out if that is how it will be or if it will be you and him taking on the world. 

Post # 6
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Your fiancé sounds like a great, patient and tolerant person. He made a mistake, but to drink so much and lash out, I think he must have been kind of miserable. My fiancé and I are a team. I love my family, but defending him is as natural to me as defending myself. My family loves me, but they don’t want to spend every day of the rest of their lives with me. They want the best for me, but they’ll sometimes dismiss my wants if they think it’s better for me in the long run.

Personally, I don’t know either of you, but I don’t see why you’re doubting him. It sounds like it would be terrible to let such a great guy go. I definitely think your sister was out of line. Why don’t you ask a friend of yours instead of your family? Someone who is not a mutual friend, but still knows you both, might be able to give you perspective on whether or not his behavior is out of line.

Post # 8
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with the previous posters.

He sounds like a great guy who has been put in a tough position.  You also sound lovely, level headed and reasonable.

Your mother is the problem.  Keep her out of your relationship and you’ll flourish.

Post # 9
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I agree with the previous posters. Your mother by your own admission is overbearing and controlling. The fact that she NEVER apologizes speaks volumes as to her character. This can be extremely frustrating…I know from personal experience. I’m 42 and my mother still tries to control my life.

However, my FH and I are a unit. If my mother had said it was disrespectful to set rules for a discussion (something that counsellors actually recommend btw), I would have immediately backed my FH up and told her she was being ridiculous.

The one word and statement that stood out to me was where you said that you should have berrated him the morning after the ‘incident’. No one should ever berrate anyone! It is condescending and usually spurred on by someone wanting control.

You sound like you and your FI are very level headed and know how to talk to one another. Don’t let your family change this into a different dynamic.

Post # 10
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@TwoCityBride:  

My first thought is your Fi put up with a lot. It sounds like a lot of pent up frustration, and everyone has his moments, if this is all his done after years of dating you your family doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Your fi seems reasonable as he sees where he made mistakes.

Second you are an adult why should your fi be having conversations about your living arrangements with your parents? You need to stand up and learn to make your own choices. if you can’t do anything without your parents approval perhaps you aren’t ready gor marriage, because that will be causing major inlaw issues. Your parents need to realize you are an adult, and you need start acting like it.

Your parents can give advice when they are asked for it. You need to grow a backbone and start being an adult partner to your Fi, you need to set boundaries and stop letting your parents be such a cental figures in your relationship. They don’t have the right to be butting in and even bring up these subjects with your Fi. Your behavior and boundaries are going to determine how the relationship between your fi and family proceeds. good luck.


I strongly agree with this. I think you need to get your parents and your sister and everybody else out of your relationship. That is not fair to your FI. He is not dating all those people. He’s dating you, and you need to stand up for him with your family, as well. And you need to be an adult partner to him. I totally agree with that. He does not need to be defending himself and his choices for you to your parents. If he is to be your husband, that means foresaking all others. Momma needs to take a backseat. 

I personally think your FI is right about you moving in with him. In this economy, I do not see why you’d want to live on your own and get all this furniture and new bills. Why? Just to move in with him later and share bills? He’s right that you will learn a new independence by living with him. One that is very different from living with your parents, and if you’re going to live the rest of your life with him, I don’t understand the need to live in a separate house right now. But that’s your choice. 

I think he’s upset you made the choice because it seems that you took what your mom said over what he said. When you get married, you gotta make sure that if he passionately disagrees with something your mom wants you to do, if you happen to agree with your mom, you’ve gotta make sure he understands you aren’t choosing sides. You made the choice on your own. It just happens to coincide with your mom’s ideas.

But you two do not need to be making life choices with your whole family sitting in the room. It needs to be just the two of you. I personally think you cause him to spend too much time around your family. I went through that with my sister and her in-laws. She brought them around our family waaaaaaaaay too much, and it caused resentment in me and my brothers. 

Don’t get me wrong. He should have a relationship with your family, but there have to be boundaries because he’s not marrying them. He’s marrying you.

I don’t say any of this to chastise you. I say it all because in reading your post, I somehow became to care about you and your fiance, and so I want to help. So please don’t take anything I say in a bad way. 

What I want for you is for you to find a balance between your family and your relationship. I’d be climbing the freaking walls if my family was all up in my business like yours is in your business. I know you love them. I love my family, too, but I draw the line as to how much I let them influence me and my choices. I think your fiance probably wants you to do that, too.

But please, give him a break from your family. Go to his house a little more, so he can have a breather.

Post # 11
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Sorry, cupoftea,

I went off with all my advice without seeing your later post, which seemed to echo a lot of what I said. I was happy to see that, because it’s so very important to set up those boundaries.

What I like about your relationship with you and your FI is that you seem to be able to discuss things and both admit to wrongs. Seems that you two can listen to each other. Those are vital qualities in a relationship. So kudoos on that.

He’s not going to be perfect, and I’m glad you exercised patience with him instead of anger. That’s a good step because he’s seemed to have put a lot into your relationship–especially where your family is concerned.

You sound like you’ll be a good wife for him. You are compassionate and empathetic. That’s good. Just find that balance between him and your family. And be that barrier for him to buffer between him and your family. Try to keep them out of you and your Fi’s decisions. They can advise you and you can tell him if you like, but I really do discourage a big family meeting about choices that do not belong to your family.

 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Your whole story reminded me of my parents.  My mother’s family were like yours, they interfered a LOT.  My grandmother was particularly bad, always playing her 9 kids off against each other.

My father got so fed up with their interference (and my mother’s inability to tell them to back off) that when I was 14 we moved to the UK from Australia…and my parents had no contact with her family for 7 years.  It was only because my younger brother rang them once (he was drunk) that they got back in contact.  I think if that hadn’t happened there would still be no contact…

Anyway, what previous posters have said is correct.  Your family needs to butt out….especially if you aren’t living with them anymore.  Your parents should no longer have any say in any of your decisions…and they need to realise that.  I don’t blame your FI one little bit for what he did, in fact I think up to that point he’d shown remarkable restraint. 

Post # 13
Member
9612 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

i agree with all PPs, definitely stop your parents from butting in in the future.

your FI sounds like a good guy, it can’t be easy for him usually only seeing you with your family around. please make the effort to not include your siblings in your outings with FI all the time. it is great that you are so close with them but he probably wants to spend time with you alone more

Post # 14
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@TwoCityBride:  This!!!  Oh how I find I agre with advice from Two CityBride quite often!

@OP, I think you know what the problem is.  You repeatedly say that your family is very involved, a lot of time is spent with you family, your mother is overbearing.  For the relationship to have a chance you need to spend time with SO away from them.  He fell in love with you, not your family, and it can be difficult to have to spend sooo much time with them.  I get frustrated after just spending a weekend every couple of months with mine! lol!

“My fiance argued with my parents as to why he thought it didn’t make sense for me to pay for my own place when I could move in with him and contribute to his bills and still be more independent than I am living at home.”


Where was your opinion in ths?  For this argument alone I think it’s good you get your own place, or with some friends to assert your independence.  Sit down with FI and explain to him how important it is for you to do this and the reasoning behind it.  Maybe make a short term lease (6months), jost so you have your own time, before moving on.  After 6 months of you and FI being able to be together properly without the parents looking over your heads, you could then discuss moving in together. 

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