(Closed) Fiance and his lady friend…help

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Men do not remain BFFs with the former “love of their life.”  Leave him, he’s a douche.

Post # 4
Member
3063 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My husband has lots of girl-friends, but he doesn’t text them all hours of the night nor does he try to delete messages from them. Deleting messages this is kind of fishy, to me.

Have you hungout with this girl? Maybe you two should have a girl’s day to get to know her better!

Post # 5
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so sorry, but it sounds to me like he’s still not over her and it also seems like she’s using his attention and affection to her advantage – she doesn’t want to be with him, but she wants what he gives her. I’ve seen people go through that and it’s never good for the other partner involved.

You need to tell him that it disrespects you for him to reach out to her and use her as his major support line. That’s what you’re supposed to be, and especially since they have such a deep history it makes you really uneasy – for good reason – that he chooses her over you and stays up late talking to her.

What are you getting out of this relationship? I ask because it’s never good to be someone’s second best, and I’d hate for you to languish in a relationship where he’d pick up and leave for this woman if she ever changed her mind :/

Post # 6
Member
1132 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Soon2bedcwife:  Sounds like he needs to cut her out. If he can’t emotionally separate himself from her, he can’t be with you at the same time. He’s still tied to this other girl in what I would consider an inappropriate way. Definitely talk to him about this, it’s not something I could live with in marriage.

Post # 7
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

I don’t like the sound of this…he should reach out to you, not her, when he is stressed out.

Post # 8
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Soon2bedcwife:  “She is also an ex and the former love of his life. She never wanted him and treated him badly, but he still wanted to remain friends.”

Guys don’t stay friends with girls they don’t want to a) sleep with; and/or b) marry.  There are a few exceptions but every guy I have ever dated or been friends with has confirmed it.  He needs to cut the cord and be done with her.  Texting late at night especially while drunk and then deleting texts is suspicious and should be addressed ASAP.

Post # 10
Member
4049 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

He needs to quit speaking with her or else you need to leave him. It’s an unhealthy connection he has with her, methinks.

Post # 12
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I could not be with someone who is texting (and then deleting texts) with a former flame.

 

This is red-flag worthy and is troublesome that he is going to such great lengths to “hide” something.  Don’t like it one bit.

 

I’m not the ultimatum type, but I think in this situation, that’s what is needed.  If he cannot cut ties with this woman, then I think it’s time for you to walk.  Find someone who wants to have their last conversation at night be with YOU.  You deserve someone who will not only be your husband but your best friend.  

 

 

Post # 13
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m sorry this is so upsetting…and I totally understand the sensitivity in this situation….you see, I am a lady friend too. 

Now, I am happily married, have been for 5 years and that’s not going to change ever….I have always been more comfortable around men, and in my life, I have maintained very close friendships with the past loves in my life, because the foundation of what attracted us to each other, never really died when the romance did.

That being said, I strongly advocate women supporting other women, especially in today’s society of competative dating and image pressure, we don’t need to attack and hurt each other on top of everything else, especially not over a man….so, I always make sure that I take into consideration how I might feel, if Mr. 99 was spending time, talking to, confiding in another woman.

There is a very fine line we ladies must walk, and as careful as I am with my time spent with my gentlmen friends, there are times when a person just needs to talk….and the issue of gender becomes an irrelevant issue…because I don’t think you would have even worried about him being drunk, up all night talking with another guy..would you?  And as much as we all talk about our men, our sex lives, or relatives, our dreams and desires…you can bet men do that too..

So it’s one of two things my dear, either these two are just very close friends and he’s working through something on his own, which does not negate or diminish his love for you in any way, OR this woman and your FI are curtailing some unrequited interest in each other with a thinly veiled and wearing quickly friendship….

I have three rules that I always tell any new lady in one of my gentlemen’s  lives…

1.  I’ve been here longer, that doesn’t mean he likes me better.

2.  You are invited to EVERYTHING we do together.

3.  You can ask me ANYTHING and rely on an honest answer.

I would see if the three of you could go out together, all you need to see is how the act around each other, and you’ll know. 

Either way, this friend of his is no lady, and I can’t imagine a man putting the needs of a friend over that of his fiance…time to take a hard look, at all the moving pieces

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
6127 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sorry you’re going through this. There is no way I would be ok with my FI remaining friends with an ex, let alone the “love of his life”! If it was a random “hey, how are you” thing, that’s fine (still wouldn’t like it but it’s no harm). But their relationship is inappropriate IMHO. It needs to be you or her. He can’t have his cake and eat it too!

Post # 15
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

this doesn’t sound like a very good situation to be in. if he’s already being secretive at this stage in you’re relationship, i think it’s only fair to surmise that will continue into your marriage. Emotional cheating is just as bad as physical, if not worse, since that connection should really exist between the 2 people involved together – not others outside the relationship. if he turns to her in times of need/stress and not you, that is a horrible red flag. you are supposed to be the one he is forging his future with, not her; support can exist outside a relationship, definitely, but in a marriage/committed relationship, the 2 parties involved should turn first to each other.

no can or should tell you what to do, but i think you know deep down something is not right with this picture. it needs to be addressed, and for the sake or your emotional well-being now and in the future, you need to really think about what a future would be like with everything the way it is right now. 

good luck!

Post # 16
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Nona99:  +1.  Your responses are always so thoughtful and intelligent!

I would be extremely uncomfortable with this, just because he is deleting texts from her and talking to her at night after making you think he’s just going to bed early (that’s what the OP said, right?).  My best friend is a straight guy, and we talk/text frequently and he hangs out with me and DH all the time, BUT the two of us were never romantically involved, and I would never delete anything he sends me.

I think it’s important for anyone in a relationship to get along with, and be able to spend time with, their partner’s best friend.  And if her friendship with him is important (and she isn’t just revelling in the attention), then she should make an effort to establish a friendship with you as well.  It’s a red flag if both your FI and his friend don’t want the two of you to hang out–probably means they’re embarassed or hiding something.

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