Post # 1
I was looking for a good place to come and ask some advice from some other Christian ladies.,
My fiance went to a good friends bachelors a few weeks ago, and then they ended up going to a strip club after, he went because his lift bailed earlier and because he wanted to look after his friend, because all his friends other friends are from a different circle and are only interested in getting wasted and partying and going wild.
Anyway, at the time we were having real issues and we werent as connected as we should have been and i made a HUGE deal out of the fact that if there were strippers/strip clubs involved i really wouldnt be happy. There was nothing planned till one of the other guys said lets go. Anyway, they went and my fiance didnt tell me till after a counselling session in which i freaked out and was really hurt (some other stuff came up about our relationship and it was just an emotional time) so yes, freaked more than i should’ve. Anyway, we have eventually gotten over all the other things and are working through the other issues. The only problem is strippers and him seeing other women naked is always in my head….
We discussed it and he knows why i dont like it and thats its demoralising and it takes away some of the sacredness of our relationship etc (how i feel).
He’s an amazing guy who i love with all my heart,.He has never gone to a strip club in our relationship before, becayse he doesnt want too, he said it was only because it was his best friend and the guys and he wanted to enjoy the evening with them, and that if it happened that another bachelors ended up going to a strip club that he would probably end up going if he was enjoying being with his friends. (this is whats bugging me) He also said that he doesnt really notice any of the girls (but hes not blind!) and that it does absolutely nothing for him in anyway, as no other women ever has since we’ve been together and that he would never just go for the sake of going.. ( he has been faithful to me since the beginning and i trust him in that!)
I understand that 9 times out of 10, its something that happens with a “bachelors” and even more so with certain groups of guys. I just cant stop thinking about it and i’m feeling slightly crazy,. i guess i needed to vent a little as well.. We are so happy and we are more connected than ever, but i feel that this is just one thing that im struggling to get past.
Anyone else had/feel the same at all?
Thanks for the place to rant!
Post # 3
i completely understand, my FI has no interest in going to strip clubs, and i don’t want him to, so he has already told his best men no strip clubs for his bachelor, what i am concerned about is if someone else has a bachelor party at a strip club, especially if he is close with them
Post # 4
@Jacqui90: thanks for the answer! some of my friends just agree that theres nothing wrong with it and bit difficult to handle thinking i am the only one that feels that way!
My FI has 2 more bachelor parties coming up and they are guys that will definately want strippers or to go to a club., so not only thinking of the past and having to deal with thinking about it now.. i also have to think that its going to happen then as well!
Post # 5
@Lionprincess: This would be a big issue for me. My issue is that he didn’t have to go. He could have called a cab. He could have just stood across the street for goodness sake! If he went in the strip club it was because he wanted to go in the strip club.
Post # 6
He doesn’t normally go to strip clubs. He felt enormous peer pressure. We have all done something because of peer pressure. It wasn’t planned so he didn’t have an exit route. I would let that one go.
As far as the upcoming bachelor parties, he can plan what to do now.
Post # 7
I know a lot of women are very uncomfortable with their SO going to strip clubs, me included but what does a guy do if he wants to be with his friends and they want to go to a strip club. If he’s there to hang out and not “participate” (lap dances) does that make you uncomfortable?
Post # 8
@MrsFuzzyFace: I disagree with you that he went beacuse he wanted to go to a strip club. He went because he was enjoying the party with his friends and wanted to continue spending time with them.
OP – I understand why you’re upset – I’m not a strip club fan either. But, if he doesn’t go regularly and this was a 1 time thing for a bachelor party I think you should let it go. When you and all his friends are married, he’ll have no reason to go anymore. It’s not the end of the world and if your relationship is as great as you say, it’s not a reason to bring drama into the relationship.
You can’t punish him or yourself forever for this. If you can’t let it go then maybe you should move on. But, you can’t move on in your relationship without letting it go, forgetting about it and moving on. Obsessing over your FI looking at some strippers one time is not healthy.
Edit – Did you make it clear to him that you are not okay with strip clubs? I only ask beacuse my FI knows I am not cool with it and so he would never go. If he was thinking of it, he would definitely at least tell me first so we could discuss it – depending on the circumstances I’d make a call about whether or not I could deal with it and he would respect that.
Post # 9
You really will just have to lean on God with this one… it will help if you say out loud things like ‘FI loves ME, he doesn’t look at other women. He finds ME attractive. etc’
Faith comes from hearing and I personally think that can be faith in your FI too…
It’s not easy but it does get better. I’ve had to deal with things from before FI was a christian and if I didn’t give it up to the Lord I would not be okay.
Your FI sounds like a very sweet man who wanted to look out for his friend. He didn’t want to tell you because he didn’t want to make you upset… not that it’s OK to keep secrets. Men simply do not think the way we do…
I would just declare over yourself the TRUTH whenever you start to think lies
Post # 10
If his friends jumped off a bridge, would he do that too???? Peer pressure if fine if you are in High School, but after a certain time in your life…
Post # 11
I’m not understanding the big deal here. Your man is attending bachelor parties and himself has no control over what type of bachelor party is planned for his friends by their GM. I think demanding he doesn’t go will just cause problems for the 2 of you, that would be asking him to choose between you and his friends. If your guy doesn’t go to strip clubs any other time it clearly shows he is not interested in going to them so why worry about it? You’re creating a problem where there is none.
Also its not a peer pressure excuse as some other posters suggested, its simply put that he was having a good time out with the boys and didn’t want to cut the night short just because he isn’t a huge fan of strip clubs.
Post # 12
My now fiancé was in a friends wedding with all of his childhood friends. They all went down to Nashville, TN in aim of going to bars and the n a strip club to end the night. However, after learning this, my fiancé decided that he was not game for that kind of party. I didn’t even have to tell him that I wasn’t for that. He told me that even if he did go, he would drive home after eating and a couple of bars (he doesn’t drink hardly any anymore since our Christ centered relationship has grown). I think that if your man didnt want to go, he definitely wouldn’t go! No question about it. He can always opt to go out to eat with the bachelor a week before or so instead. That’s what my fiancé ended up doing. They went out to eat in a better atmosphere and still got to celebrate. It’s a win win situation. The bachelor and your man to hang out and celebrate the upcoming wedding 🙂 hope this helps! Coming from a fellow Christian 🙂
Post # 13
As a Christian lady, I would be INCREDIBLY hurt and disappointed in my fiancee. Seriously, it’s not just a ‘fun time’, it’s serious, and it’s not just a joke for guys. It’s like a drug, same with internet pornography. Make sure to tell him how much it hurt you, and you’re just looking out for HIS well being and Christian walk.
Saying that, I think he had no intention in going there, but the fact that he went in kind of is strange to me. Even if my FI was left without a drive, he would never go into a strip club. lol, he has way too much pride and integrity. (I know.. ANY guy would want to go to a strip club, but trust me when I say he would get all huffy and angry if anyone even made him stand outside of the place to wait.)
Post # 14
I’m not sure if you’re trying to figure out if you should forgive him or if you want to but aren’t sure how? I can’t really say whether or not you should fogive him. That’s really up to you. But it sounds like you want to fogive him.
So try to figure out what is really bothering you. Are you legitimately worried that he would sleep with a stripper? Do you think that he’s a bad person for watching stippers? Are you grossed out thinking about him watching strippers? Jealous of him watching other women? Worried about his/your reputation or how this will look to others?
If you can figure out what is at the heart of your worries I think it will be easier to get over. I, personally, don’t have too much of a problem with strip clubs so long as it’s just watching. I don’t see it that different than watching porn or watching a steamy love scene in a movie. Everyone interacts with attractive people all the time. But just because the coffee shop guy is cute doesn’t mean I’m going to cheat on my fiance. And I don’t think I’m a bad person because I like watching Brad Pitt in half-naked love scenes. So I give my fiance the same benefit of the doubt and don’t let it gross me out or make me jealous because in the end, Brad Pitt may be cute, but I’d still pick my fiance any day of the week. And I don’t care so much what other people think about our relationship. Because I know him and I know me and I trust us both. But that’s me.
So figure out what you’re getting hung up on and decide if it’s something you can get over. Or try to see in a different way. He sounds like a good guy and I hope you can work it out.
Post # 15
I would have torn strips off him. (No pun intended).
So his lift bailed? Well he could called a taxi. He could have called you. He could have gone and got a coffee or drink somewhere else and told his lift “text me when you’re done”. But instead he went to the strip club. Worse, he didn’t tell you about it until much later.
He needs to know this is really hurtful, and that he has to give a full apology and never do something like this again.
For the future bachelor parties, he can either not attend, or go home when they go to strip clubs. He has to know that strip clubs are not acceptable; and that hurting you is worse than bailing on his friends. (He’s a grown man, he should be able to stand up to peer pressure). He needs to know that strip clubs are demeaning and to have no part in them.
ETA: And the reason why I would have “torn strips off him” is he knows how I feel about strip clubs. Is it possible your FI doesn’t know? My (then) FI had no idea how I felt about him seeing other women naked until I told him. So make sure you communicate to him why you don’t like them, why you find them demeaning and an insult to you, etc
Post # 16
i dont get jealous about it. if its once in a blue moon, no big deal. if it’s everyday, yes big deal. but i mean seriously whats he going to do, marry a stripper? reality check. its just a fake fantasy. its not a personal attack against you. dont take it personally.