Fiance broke off engagement… but says he still loves me

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
8035 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would not be able to continue in that relationship- how devastating. Especially if you want to be married in this lifetime- he’s not your guy. And you were scared to bring it up? Nothing about that dynamic is okay. I would dump him and move on ASAP. 

Post # 3
Member
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

You have to decide if being married in important to you. It’s important to me and I could not accept that

Post # 4
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

You say you have dealt with him not wanting children? Does this mean you wanted children and decided to not have them to stay with him or you also don’t want kids? it sounds like you are sacrificing a lot of big things to be with him. I ddon’t think I could stay with someone who prevented me from not having marriage and kids without resenting him eventually but thats me.

Post # 5
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

You should not be afraid to bring up wedding ideas with the man that proposed to you. That’s wrong. He strung you along something awful. Think things through, decide what you can and can’t deal with.

Post # 7
Member
557 posts
Busy bee

you don’t want to wake up at 40 with regrets about being in a 10 year engagement with no kids. You have to decide what matters more to you- getting married and having kids, or being with him. I am not telling you what to do and you are the only one who knows what is right.

Post # 8
Member
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

sunshinesunday:  it seems like no compromise is happeneig here. He doesn’t want children and he doesn’t wanna get married so you don’t get two things that you want. My SO didn’t want to get married until he was 30ish. However, do to some dramatic family issues on my side I prefer to get married earlier than that. We discussed it and agreed on a time that both of us could be happy with. That’s how a relationship should work. If your big needs aren’t being met that’s not a good sign

Post # 10
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

sunshinesunday:  I think the bigger issue is why he did that to you. If he never had any intention of actually marrying you then he was cruel to propose anyway. 

It is sad to read that you feel as though you have surrendered a lot of control over your own life. Maybe now is the time to reassess the healthiness of this relationship.

Post # 11
Member
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

sunshinesunday:  ya but wanting children and getting married are some pretty big “life fulfillment” things. I made very sure my SO doesn’t feel the need to have biological children as I may not be able to have them. I would have thought it acceptable of him to want out if that was a must for him (Luckily it wasn’t. He is happy with adoption :)) you don’t want to feel like you gave up something very important to you. it would be different if you wanted 5 kids and he wanted 1 or 2 and you would up with 2 or 3. You shouldn’t be the one to give up all your dreams

Post # 13
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

sunshinesunday:  He reminds me of my ex H.

He never wanted to get married, or have children.  I met him when I was 25, I had been divorced for a year and a half from my 1st husband. Even though my first marriage had been horrible, with my husband being physically and emotionally abusive, I still wanted to try again in the future.

I never put any pressure on him to marry, until I hit 30.  I allowed myself to be influenced far too much by mother when I went to visit her in Australia (I live in the UK).  3 months of solid nagging from her resulted in me telling him when I returned to the UK that I did want to marry, that after 5 years together it was more than time for our relationship to take the next step.

It was a leap year, so I proposed to him…half joking/half serious.  He to my surprise, agreed and we then considered ourselves engaged…even though it then took another year for him to tell his parents…this had already been a problem, as we had been together nearly 6 years before I even met them!

His mother paid for our wedding, she was overjoyed as he was her only child and happily offered to do so.  Our wedding was only 6 months after he told his parents.  I knew on our actual wedding day that I’d made a massive mistake – he left me outside the registry office and walked off with his friends to the reception venue (it was about 500 yards down the road)  Didn’t come back for me, I had to enter our reception on my own.  He then proceeded to sulk and basically act like a 15 year old spoilt brat throughout the reception.  I’ve never been so embarassed…final straw was when I got pregnant and he demanded I had an abortion.  

The point of my long story is that now, at the age of 45, there is no way on earth I would marry a man who wasn’t keener than me to get married.  

If marriage is what you want, you will have to look elsewhere.  

Post # 15
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Thank you, I am very happy with FI.  I’m just sorry that I didn’t meet him 15 years ago, as being with someone who would have loved to have children has made me realise that I am sorry that hasn’t happened for me. 

With the benefit of hindsight, I now realise that I should have split from my ex H when I returned from Australia, instead of going along with a half hearted engagement and marriage to someone who really didn’t want it. 

I let myself be far too swayed by what others in my life wanted…eg ex H, mother, etc.  I went along with what they wanted – I was pretty much a doormat, everyone elses wishes were automatically more important than mine.  I convinced myself that I wanted what they wanted. The last 20 years have gone so quickly, it still shocks me that having children is now no longer an option for me.

In your situation, I would take a 6 month break and think about what you really want, without any outside influence or pressure.  

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