- 3 years ago
I will try to keep this brief but any thoughts/advice would be appreciated.
I got engaged this time last year to a man I am very much in love with. The engagement was the entirely unexpected result of a mutual conversation at home one afternoon. It was a surprise to everyone in his life as he had always been (and still is it seems) very anti-marriage and anti-having children. However, we talked about it a lot at the time, as I really wanted to make sure he was ok, and he convinced me that it was what he wanted. He phoned my family, suggested we had an engagement party and planned trips to visit family/friends to celebrate. He is an extremely private person but I believed from his own actions and the comments from his friends and his family that he truly thought I was “the one”, whatever that means.
We decided mutually to enjoy the engagement for 6 months or so without planning any wedding.
When I did start talking about a possible wedding plan 6 months or so in, he was behaving very strangely and sometimes aggressively, accusing me of pressurising and being obsessed (I cannot emphasise how untrue this was, I was honestly mostly too scared to bring it up). So I knew something was wrong and on the two occasions I asked him what was wrong, he assured me it was nothing, he just wanted to wait until the “perfect” idea came to him and he loved me and wanted to marry me still. Turns out he doesn’t and he finally admitted last week that he doesn’t. He says he likes being engaged, he doesn’t want anything to change but he doesn’t want to get married. He doesn’t know if he will ever change his mind. He says that he only did it because he knew it would make me happy and he wanted me to be happy.
I am now struggling with what to do next. Aside from fearing the heartbreak and the humiliation, if I do decide to stay I don’t know if I can live a life with a man who has done this without resenting him and being miserable.
A few things to note, in case they are of any importance:
We are both in our 30s. We are both career-minded and both financially independent.
We recently moved in together.
We were dating for just under 2 years before getting engaged. I am 32 and have never been married before.
He has been in only one serious relationship previously. It was a while ago and it ended badly.
I do not doubt that he loves me, I believe there are more complicated issues at play here.
He does not want children and I have dealt with that.
Finally I am not mad or angry. I recognise it is a good thing he has been honest and he is not a bad person. I am just heartbroken and utterly confused and afraid of how this will play out.
Thanks in advance.