(Closed) Fiance called off wedding, and he returned the ring, and now wants me back.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

So, you’re 19? 20? Your ex isn’t ready to get married, and based on what’s recounted in this narrative, neither are you. Why are you in such a rush? Why not give both of you several years to follow your dreams and figure out who you want to be?

Post # 4
Member
2750 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@geekspice:  +1

You need space to be you.  You need time to get over the resentment and to be happy first. 

Post # 5
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@twu123:  I think you aren’t ready to jump back in. Taking your time and clearing your head is wise. 

Post # 6
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

You need to be apart for a while. Ges going to say what he needs to say right now to get you back. He went back on his word a few times. Most likely he’ll do it again. And if he does cut back on fishing and followering his dream, he might resent you in the future. I think it’s too soon to get back together, he needs to realize what he really wants in his life and needs to sacrifice he’s wants or compromise and be happy with the decision. Not do it just to get you back and possibly resent you for it. 

Post # 7
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

[double post]

Post # 8
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Give yourself some time.  Don’t jump back in with your ex.  And if you two do get back together, you’re all going to need counselling to deal with the stress that is chronic, serious illness.  It is a hard thing to deal with, and he needs to understand that it can wreck his dreams just like it can wreck yours — or it might not.  He has to be okay with that uncertainty.  If he’s not, cut him loose for good and move on.  One of the hardest things in my life has been finding a partner who is supportive of my chronic illness and is in my corner 110% of the time when it comes to dealing with it and what it’s meant for my dreams and goals.  It’s hard.  And I’m lucky to have found a man who can handle it with grace.  

 

20 years old is young, especially for men, for reasons that I’m sure are largely cultural.  He isn’t ready, from everything you’ve written here.  If he was, his mother wouldn’t have been able to break you up.  Take your cue from that.  Don’t throw yourself into a relationship if your partner isn’t 100% in your corner and committed to you.  He said something really honest to you — he feels pressured.  I’m sure that with your illness, he also feels the pressure to give you something stable and reassuring when you struggle so much with your health.  That’s not a good reason to get married.  Don’t let the familiarity of being in a long-term relationship eclipse how ready he was to throw in the towel of your engagement.  You’re young, and you have a lot on your plate.  Give him space, explore your options a little bit, and clear your head.  

Post # 10
Member
1658 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@geekspice:  +1. I’m your age. I’ve also had potentially deadly health scares more than I can count now. Take it slow, please. Relax by yourself before diving in to spend your life with someone else. I know that may feel hard to do because you’ve spent time with another person and it means a lot but definitely give yourself some time to breathe.

Post # 11
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You guys need to be apart for awhile. He misses you because you are comfortable. But to really be back in your life he would need to bend in was that would kill his dream. At 20,  you are supposed to be taking risks and going after your dreams. Let him go to so he can pursue that. Keep dating other people. He is not the only one out there that would be willing to deal with a serious illness.

If after 2-3 years, you still love each other, you should have matured enough to make better decisions about being together and what your future would look like.

Post # 12
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@twu123:  Just read  your update– 7 years in your teens and early 20’s is very different than 7 years after age 25. Your brain isn’t fully formed yet (you still have another 5 years before you have an adult brain). You will go through so many changes between now and 25 (almost as many as from 15-20).

If you are worried about fertility, see if you can freeze your eggs. I think I remember reading about special programs for people with cancer or other illnesses. 

Post # 13
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Don’t get back together with him. At least for years yet. Wait until you’re out of college and have been working and see where it leads you. It may lead back to him, but you both need time apart to find yourselves and what you value in life outside of the relationship. And in his case hopefully outside of fishing. Besides this, you guys can’t get back together until the resentment is gone. Right now you’re on the rollercoaster of breakup emotions, and nothing good comes of listening to them. See other people, finish school, and see where you are in a few years. If you miss him, get in touch. If you don’t… don’t.

 

 

Don’t let the familiarity of being in a long-term relationship eclipse how ready he was to throw in the towel of your engagement.”

This.



@KoiKove:  I agree on the egg-freezing. Do it now, asap, and then you can stop worrying about that one thing at least.

Post # 15
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@twu123:  I agree with PP you should take some time away from your ex to be yourself and let him be himself.

 

Also, if you’re only 20…you could easily meet someone else, get engaged in a year or two, married the next year, and still TTC before you are 25. I don’t think it would be healthy for you to have a child with someone who you are in an unstable relationship with…pursue new guys for now. Who knows what you may find 🙂 just my two cents.

Post # 16
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@twu123: Yes, 7 years is a long time to date, but consider that, while you’ve certainly been through extenuating circumstances together, there are different emotional and social developments we all go through in our 20s that change us. Our 20s are when we are really finding our individuality, and taking action to build upn the values we’ve set earlier in life. We start to navigate all of that on our own.

All this to say, it seems you both have a lot of growing to do, and I mean that in the best sense.

I would not get back together with him. It seems like there were way too many instances in your original post to indicate that his methods of coping or joking were very inconsiderate of your needs. He was pretty quick to jump on the breaking of the engagement, and I’m not buying his 4am text. A 4am text doesn’t come from someone who is, a) thinking clearly at that hour or b) approaching the situation maturely. He may well be disappointed in his actions, but his actions in trying to win you back fall short in a series of 160 character notes. Use this time to develop some more of who YOU are, and use this time to grow in your own way. It sucks you have the added pressure of doctors saying you need to have a child early if you want one at all, but consider having one with the right person. While it may seem like not much time to find the right person and develop a sound relationship, I think it is possible, especially if you start working on yourself and your personal values and needs being met right now.

 

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