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Hello Hive. I have been following the hive since the first week I was engaged, in May of 2010. I have been w/ my fiance for almost 3 years, and I love him and our life with all my heart. He is one of the most generous, caring, and loving individuals I have ever met. Unfortunately, he went out on Friday night with some guys from work, drank way to much, and had sex with some random girl, in our truck in the parking lot of a bar. Disgusting. I know. He cannot handle drinking even a few beers, and, doesn't usually drink at all. Ever. But, apparently, they were buying shots, etc., and before he knew it, he was too intoxicated. He admitted to cheating, openly telling me what happened. And then he had a total breakdown and sobbed and continuously apologized for hours. He told me that I am his everything, the best thing that has ever happened to him, and that he has never done anything so terrible in his whole life. He said he is ashamed, feels dirty (as he should) and just wished it never happend. He even got down on one knee, again, and asked me to be his wife. He begged me to put my engagement ring back on.
I have been cheated on before, twice, and both times, with both guys, I had hard evidence, proof in hand, of the cheating, and both guys still denied it. And, neither of those situations were random acts of drunkiness. They were both ongoing, for several months, with someone they knew and spent time with. Needless to say, I quickly left and got out of those relationships. And never looked back. This time, it's different. I love my fiance so much, and, we have a great life together and have great plans for a family and future life together. However, I don't know if I can forgive him and move on. I fear that I may hold some resentment against him, not be able to trust him, etc, and, I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be the wife that no one likes because he's not allowed to do anything or I "keep him on a short leash"...I have never been that person, and, I despise the whole thought of it. That is no way to have a relationship, and, definately no way to start a marriage.
Hive, I need your opinions. I cannot speak about this to anyone, not friends, not family, because I haven't made a final decision on whether or not we will continue as a couple. Without that, I cannot get others I know personally to be involved, because they will pass judgement and form opinions that cannot be taken back. I don't need that now. I need advice, words from people that have been through this type of situation...please, please don't write me or post comments about what a douchebag he is right now. I'm fully aware.
Thank you.
Oh dear - I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
First thing you need to do is get yourselves to couples counseling. This is going to be an extremely difficult thing to get over for you, and you need to figure out if you even can get over it first. A counselor is going to be able to help you determine if you will ever be able to trust your FI again, and not hold this over his head for the rest of his life.
I wish you lots of luck and keep us posted.
My heart is breaking for you - I wish I could come give you a big hug.
I have no real advice for you - but if you decide to stay with him and you truly know you can never really forgive him, it is much better to cut your losses and move on. It is far easier to end an engagement than a marriage.
@kryptonite77: I honestly wish I had words of wisdom, but I will send you ((hugs)) instead for now.
I personally don't think I could ever move past such a thing in my own relationship. Did he have an excuse/explanation as to why he thought it was okay to do something like this?
I second what @Lindsay12.31.2010: said. She is 100% spot on.
@Lindsay12.31.2010: I agree with you.
OP: I am so sorry sweetie, my heart hurt just reading this and I wish you two the best in whatever you choose to do :(
i'm so sorry you have to go through this.
get yourself to couples counseling immediately! you might benefit from individual counseling as well to help with the trust and resentment issues.
good luck. i hope everything works out.
well, it sounds like you still want to bewith him, but you aren't sure about getting married. you don't have to decide right now. how much money has been put down?
if you can, this would be my advice: don't think about the wedding right now. don't make any more wedding plans. effectively, don't consider yourself engaged. you need to figure out first if your relationship can be salvaged at all, let alone having to worry about the possibility of marriage.
secondly, be very careful who you tell about this. if you DO decide to stay with him, you could have friends that will forever be resentful of this guy and never fully accept him.
that being said, you do need someone that you can talk all this through with. counselling is a great idea- even if it is just you.
im so, so sorry this happened to you. sending love your way.
I forgot to mention that your FI needs to get tested ASAP for any STDs. If you choose to continue to work things out, you need to know that the person he slept with didn't have anything that can harm you. It is bad enough you have to suffer from his screw up emotionally...you don't need to suffer physically.
@Lindsay12.31.2010: ditto. Well said.
I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. For me, I wouldn't be able to get over it. And the trust...oh my...that would take forever for me to rebuild. I couldn't do it.
If you just got engaged in May of last year and he is cheating already thats really not a good sign. I personally never believe in alcohol as an excuse for bad behaviour of any kind. But ultimately you have to think about it and make a decision you can live with.
Did he say what he was feeling or why he did it? Does he remember how he rationalized cheating in his mind when he was drunk? Just curious...
I can't imagine what you are going through and I don't have any sound advice other than follow YOUR heart and your gut on this. I agree to not tell friends and family right now bc if your girlfriends are anything like mine they will tell you to dump him immediately. You really need to listen to yourself on this one bc ultimately you will be the one living with him for the rest of your life, not them. It's easy for people to just say leave him when they don't have to live through the hurt.
You may want to also consider maybe putting the wedding on hold for a little bit if you can so ya'll can get some counseling and try to sort this out and heal before you walk down the aisle. I know that may not be easy since I'm sure you have a dozen or so vendors involved but I would definitely try to work on this hard core before you walk down the aisle.
Good luck and we are all here for you!!
Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry honey. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. I, too, have been cheated on in the past, and the memories I have of those relationships are so tainted now. I don't know if I were in your shoes how I would feel or if I could get past it. I think @2PeasinaPod is right, you should seek both individual and couples counselling. Give things a few days, take some time and distance. If you know you'll never get through this, I agree with @lindsay, it may be better to move on.
No. No excuse. He admitted that he didn't have an excuse, except that he drank way too much, and was drunk when it happened. He never ever drinks, so, he has no tolerance to alcohol at all...He even said that there is no excuse for it, and that he knows it was so stupid to do and that he "f'd up bad". He also said that it didn't last long, and he left immediately and went to a store, bought some water, and then threw up in the parking lot of the store because he realized what he'd done and it made him physically sick.
@ everyone else: thank you for your words and advice and hugs. :) I am a pretty strong person, but, right now, I feel broken and lost.
I agree with PP's suggestion of couples/individual counseling. Talking with someone other than yourselves about this situation will help.
@Ms. Meowerson: I agree with you, having known people who have made it through serious issues in their relationships, there will always be someone that will remember the bad time and hold a grudge.
To the OP, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can imagine the complete shock that you are in. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.
I just know for me, personally, even if I would choose to stay and work it out, I would NEVER truly forgive, or forget. I would always be resentful, bring it up in fights, and question every move he made, every phone call, text, email, late night. That is NO way to live a life, especially not a marriage.
{{{HUGS}}} Feeling like you've misplaced your trust in someone is a terrible thing, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm not sure if counseling is something you (or your FI) feel comfortable with, but someone who can mediate the strong emotions that I'm sure you're both feeling could be very helpful in moving forward regardless of whether you decide to continue your relationship. And, I agree with previous posts that it's "easier" to end an engagement than it is to end a marriage. Good luck, sweetie.
I'm so sorry. What an awful situation.
I'm going to second 2Peas and say that you should go to couple's counselling. She's right in that a counselor can help you both work through your feelings and you can really make an honest choice about whether you're able make this work or not. That's going to take time.
I will say this: I think that it's incredibly self-aware of you to recognize the difference between what happened with your exes (they didn't tell you, weren't honest, long term cheating) and what your FH has done. There are a lot of people who would just lump the behaviour together. Your FH came clean to you and the entire situation (from the drinking to the cheating) was completely out of character. I think that that should count for something and says a lot about him that is positive.
I wish you both lots of luck.
There are A LOT of people who will come on here and tell you to leave immediately, that once a cheater always a cheater. Many women on here will not tolerate cheating of any kind, it is a dealbreaker.However.
Only you know what you can handle. What your man did was disgusting, and you've been with him for three years with no previous behaviour like this. Only you know him, and only you can decide if your trust will ever come back. Is your love for him strong enough to look past this?
My fiance and I have been together for 8 years. We've broken up 4 times, all on my part. I was young, didn't know what I wanted, and instead of cheating, I broke up with him when I went to college. When we got back together there was a lot of fights, and a lot of mistrust. He thought I would leave him again. It took about two years for him to stop using it against me in a fight. But we knew what we wanted and we wanted to make it work, so we did. We're stronger than ever and our trust and communication is stronger.
I don't know if you've set a date, but I would push off the wedding. This will take a lot of work for the both of you to get back on track, if you wish to. It sounds like he loves you and made a mistake, but it was a big mistake. I'm sorry you have to go through this, please take your time to think before making any rash decisions.
The most important thing to do is give yourself enough time to process this and make a decision that you will be comfortable with. It may be too soon and too close to forgive him now, but maybe you will. If I were in your shoes, I would allow myself the time and space to deal with this.
If that means pushing back your wedding date, so be it.
"He even got down on one knee, again, and asked me to be his wife." ugh that makes me a little bit sick. wrong place to ask you again.
I think since you can't trust him drinking, you won't be able to trust him with friends/guys period. and like you said, thats no way to start a marriage. I would also suggest counceling and have him figure out if drinking is something he is willing to give up, period
I'm so sorry you are going through this :(
Like lilmiss26: said, I would have him get tested for STDs immediatly! Even if there was protection used, you can still transmit STDs and you certainly do not need to be harmed!
As far as your relationship, this wil take a lot of time and healing. I think it would be wise to take a break for awhile to think things out, like other posters said, maybe go to counseling. I know for myself it would be difficult to trust him again. Has he done anything like this in the past?
So sorry for you! I don't know what you should do either, you have to figure that out on your own but I will tell you what struck me most in your explanation.
What stuck out to me is that you are blaming alcohol and not your b/f. Saying it was the alcohol and that he can't control himself is an excuse and you trying to make the situation better in your head which is undestandable. What you need to realize is that he made the decision to get drunk and even made the decision to have sex with another girl. Please don't use alcohol as an excuse to appease the situation. Furthermore, what is stopping him from getting drunk again?
There was a similar post a while back & I posted a response that could be helpful in talking about the 2 different types of cheating, one that's forgivable with time/counseling/great effort, and another type that's totally unforgivable. http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/who-has-been-cheated-on-by-there-present-so-and-still-with-him
I think yours is also the better type (oxymoron, I know), and so I would really recommend finding a couples counselor. Someone who practices Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) would probably be the best in this case. That's my particular theory of couples counseling and I've seen it work wonders when things seemed totally hopeless.
I definitely agree with the counseling. I think the drinking will need to be addressed for sure. I hate when people (male/female) use drinking as an excuse for behavior. Sometimes drinking rids us of inhibitions and allows us to do things we wanted to do anyway. I think counseling may bring up other issues and help you work through those.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. No one deserves to hurt this way. **hugs**
@ lilmiss26: Yes, I told him he would have to get tested immediately, first and foremost, and he said he agreed and he has no problem at all doing that. So, that's a plus. He knows that is set in stone for me no matter what.
@kryptonite77: I am so pleased to hear that...good girl!!! It is just one of those things that is unnegotiable.
I really hope that you two take your time and figure out "why" this happened and where to go from here. I think you have gotten a lot of excellent advice from all the bees. I wish you the best of luck and hope you will kepp everyone updated.
I wish I could just give you a big hug right now. You poor thing.
I think the real question is can you forgive him. Can you forgive him for what he did and move on with your life together without holding it over his head. This is no small task. We could go back and forth for days about whether or not he meant to do it, if he had feelings for her, why it happened, etc etc etc
Do you want to spend your life with him? Can you forgive him? If the answer is yes, then you start picking up the pieces and moving forward. I would strongly suggest counseling if you do decide to move forward with your relationship as it would help contructively getting out the issues that you two will have with each other going forward.
Good luck!!
@kryptonite77: Without reading any of the responses I think a few things need to happen. He needs to stop drinking right now. If he can't handle himself and stay responsible then he shouldn't drink. One night he's having sex with random girls in his truck and then next time he might actually drive somewhere and kill someone.
The second thing is, you need to stop making excuses for him. Alcohol is a total cop out in my opinion. Where were his "friends" during all of this? If he went out with them, why weren't they aware he left the bar with some random girl and was gone while having sex? Do you think his friends may have egged him on?
Third, you need to get into couples therapy because you are probably just in shock right now, but it's going to hit you. Every text message, voice mail, email, facebook message, time spent away is going to bother you. You are going to wonder why it's taking him so long to take out the trash. Could he be texting another woman? You are going to wonder why he keeps his phone on silent. You are going to pick everything a part.
Fourth, you need to be honest with yourself. Some people can forgive and forget. Some people forgive but then don't forget and constantly throw it in their partners face. Some people can neither forgive or forget and get out of the relationship. You need to ask yourself if you really do see a future with him in it. You need to ask yourself if you an work through this and marry this man. You need to decide if the relationship is worth saving. YOU make this decision. Don't let him cry and beg his way back in. He fucked up. He doesn't get off with a smack on the hand. You need some time to really think through things by yourself. *hugs* I'm sorry this has happened to you.
Lots of good advice given here, mainly that only you can know whether or not you can forgive him and move on with the relationship, and it may take some time to figure this out. A couple of other posters pointed out something I thought was something to think about, that alcohol often lifts our inhibitions and frees us to do things we wish we could do. It doesn't "make" us do anything. These things are our choices.
I'm so so sorry this happened to you.
No excuses make up for what happened. I don't care how drunk someone is, they still have at least a little knowledge of what they're doing. It doesn't matter what he says or how much he claims to love you. He should be able to control himself. And what kind of friends does he have that they let him have sex with some random chick when they know you're together?! Leave and don't look back.
I don't have any better advice than PP, but just wanted to let you know that we're here for you! I'm so sorry you have to go though this, but you don't have to go though it alone. Listen to your heart hun, and put your well-being first.
I can't offer anything better than what's been said above.... but my heart had totally fallen into my gut reading this and all I can say is I am sorry. You did not deserve this.
I am so sorry. There were a lot of lies unfolding right before my wedding back in October regarding my fiance (now husband) & it is my belief that I was to forgive him & move on past these issues. But one thing I will not EVER find "forgiveable" in the sense of taking him back is cheating. I DO believe that people can change but that is something I could not move past.
I pray that you seek the right answer in your heart & will do what is right for you & noone else.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this, I cant even imagine. Hugs to you!
I totally agree with @arenyth: you are the only one that can decide if you are capable to handle all of what is going to come from this. On a positive note, even though you know what is all going to come from this, not trusting him, getting his trust back, and whatever else comes a long with it, you have to think about all the positive things and good things comes from yalls relationship. Do you see yourself without him?? I read from your post yall plan to have a family, do you still want that with him?? Hope you choose with your heart and nothing else.
First, I am so so sorry. Second, you sound like you are handling the situation really really well. Props to you! :) I think it's great that you are taking this so maturely and hopefully that will make things a lot easier regardless of what you choose to do.
I definitely agree with couples counciling. It would be good to have someone that knows how to handle this kind of thing discuss with you all and give you the advice you are looking for too.
And if at all possible, I would try to hold off on the wedding. Then you won't be trying to rush to some deadline as to whether or not you still want to be with him. You can just take it as it is and really decide if it's something you can forgive.
Good luck!
@ Atalanta: I am not blaming the alcohol. I agree that it isn't right, regardless of how much you've had to drink. However, he never ever drinks. EVER. He has already told me that he will never drink again, no matter what. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but, I can understand how he could've been massively intoxicated from being out drinking with the guys for 6 hours. I know it doesn't justify what he did as being "ok".Also, I can't make the situation better in my head. He openly told me everything that happened. I asked questions, and he answered them with tears in his eyes and his head hung down. I have full knowledge of what happened and a visual stuck in my head that I can't get rid of.
@arenyth: I agree. I don't believe that either. People can change.
I do agree that it may be best for us to see someone who deals with things like this on the daily, and, wouldn't pass judgement on either of us. I am going to look into finding someone in our area today. I know he would be willing to go to counceling. He is willing to do anything to make the situation better....
Hi OP - I'm so sorry you're going through this. I do think it's important the distinction you made about past ex's having an ongoing sexual and emotional relationship with someone else and lying to you about it and someone getting totally wasted and doing something out of character that he clearly regrets.
Some people wouldn't be able to get past this and some people have gotten past something like this and gone on to have 50 years of happy marriage together. It depends on the two of you. Counseling is a no brainer and I think he'll be so remorseful that he'll agree right away. Engagement, marriage - those things shouldn't even be thought about right now, imo. If you love him and know that he's a good man that mad a bad mistake then I think it's worth working on. It won't be easy but it could be totally worth the effort and pain.
I wouldn't put much stock personally in 'once a cheater always a cheater' in this type of situation. Plus, alcohol biologically affects your judgement - it's not a truth serum or a magic pill that makes you only do things that are deep inside - it's just a drug that makes us stupid in mass quantities and by the nature of it makes us do things we normally wouldn't. Don't subscribe emotion to the effects of alcohol - look it up and subscribe the science behind it.
I was dating a guy once that was awesome and we were really blissfully happy in our relationship. I went out for a wild club night with my girlfriends and did shots, hard liquor and beer (I never drink any of these) and got stumbling, slurring, head spins drunk. There was a guy that kept hitting on me and I was only slightly aware that I was dancing with him and flirting - it was like I was in a thick fog or dream - and we snuck away to the lounge area and LUCKILY my girlfriends found me, dragged me out, took me home and put me to bed so that I couldn't get myself in trouble. That's what good friends do. I didn't have a secret desire to cheat on him, didn't want to just f#@k some stranger, wasn't a bad person - I was drunk and it totally anihilated my judgement. Men for some reason don't look out for their friends in the same way and I don't know why. Just thought you'd like perspective from someone that was almost in your FIs shoes. BTW - I did tell the guy I was with at the time what happened and we hashed it out.
I'm so sorry this happened. I don't have any good advice, but I do have a question for the OP regarding drinking: Do you drink at all?
As some PP have said, drinking doesn't "make" you do anything. I know a lot of non-drinkers don't realize this, but while a person drinking may appear "out of control," however, they generally still have some degree of control, understanding of consequence, etc... Anytime I've drank too much (even at my absolute worst--times where I've gotten sick, blacked out etc...) I may have done things I wouldn't have done sober, but I've never done anything out of character. Just my 2 cents.
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