Post # 1
So of course I am hiding because I dont want anyone to know about this. Basically for the past few days I have been really stressed out because I know our final deposits are due for our wedding. I keep saying how real it is now and there’s no going back, and my fiance is like OMG why are you saying that now?
Its like it wasn’t real until now….all of the bad stuff that happened. I knew up until the final deposits were due we could keep going to couples counseling and I still had time…but now the payments are due and it’s time to walk down the aisle and I’M nervous. He says it’s cold feet, but I don’t think I have gotten over him cheating.
He cheated on me while I was at my bachelorette party 7 months ago. He lied about it, saying they just fooled around until yesterday in counseling when he finally admitted that he had slept with that girl. When we first started dating, he “cheated” on me with a handful (literally, like five) other girls but this was years ago and I didn’t really consider it cheating since we were both dating around at the time…granted I wasn’t sleeping with anyone but I knew he had which is why we got tested before we started that part of our relationship. And then I thought those other girls were gone..and they were….but he decided to sleep with his ex. Then a random girl. Then made out with some other girl. Then slept with another girl the night of my bachelorette party….all of which I have just gotten from him in counseling yesterday.
He slept with other people while we were engaged. I can’t believe this is my life.
I called off our wedding after the bachelorette thing, but family and friends all said to just move on and do counseling. It’s like they all accept this as normal? They keep saying its not acceptable, but just to keep going and let him know it’s not okay. That we have to work together to rebuild trust…just like if we were already married. So we got back together, and left the wedding plans alone, and en we keep going to counseling and now I feel like I was tricked and trapped. Because now I know it wasn’t just once, it was a pattern. And while he says it took calling off our wedding for him to grow up, I’m just looking at him like our whole life until now has been a sham.
I’m just so heartbroken now that it’s time to make a decision on what to do…whether to get married or not…especially finding out about these other times…and being so close to losing even more money. I thought he was my “one”…
Post # 3
it is not acceptable at all! counselling won’t change a thing, you deserve so much better! (hugs) you deserve someone who will respect you and be in a relationship with you, and only you! i am so sorry 🙁 i don’t have much advice
Post # 4
@Hidingbride: I say push it back. Clearly he has some things HE needs to work out, and you don’t want to marry a man you can’t trust. At this point, I think you would be insane to trust him, finding how yesterday what he has been hiding.
I would contact the vendors and see if you can push the date back 6 months, a year, whatever you need. My FI married his first knowing it might not have been the best idea and I have heard many others say similar things about their ex. You don’t want to be part of that statistic. Forget the money, if you have to, and marry him when YOU are ready, and not when the bills dictate.
Good luck, you are certainly more brave and willing than I could ever be <3
Post # 5
I am sorry you are so upset. Don’t allow yourself to be trapped, its only to late to back out of the wedding once the wedding has actually happened.
You really don’t want to Marry someone you aren’t sure about it and regret it 12 months, 2 years or even 10 years down the track.
If you believe he will cheat on you again, you need to realise that YOU deserve BETTER. YOU deserve to be his one and only, and not have to life a life in a relationship fearful and mis trusting.
I don’t have any real advice on what you should and should not do from here. But only get married because its what YOU want, not because those around you think its whats best.
Post # 6
Money means nothing, its your happiness that needs to come first. I wouldn’t get married while everything is so fresh, you need time to decide if you want to be with him for the rest of your life. If you decide to work on it with him, you need to be at the point where there is no shred ofyour heart which doesn’t forgive him, and he needs to be a better man as well where there is no shred of his heart that will ever do it again. The wedding isn’t about his family or how much planning or money went into it, they will not be the ones suffering if you make a mistake, they will not have to live with it every day.
You will need lots of time and thinking. Call the wedding off and don’t set another date until you know what to do, good luck 🙁 and find where your happiness is <3
Post # 7
I am so sorry to hear!
Cheating is not normal, and counseling will not change how you feel about a situation like this.You will forever have this in the back of your mind and have trust issues. For this you can’t blame yourself! Money comes and goes in life, regardless of the amount. I would recommened you not marry him, you deserve so much better. Never settle for less!
Post # 8
I couldn’t get up and say those vows knowing all this, and I don’t think you really want to either. I’m not saying break up, I’m saying deposits or not, I deserve better than wondering if my husband is out cheating on me for the rest of my life. I’ve seen friends go through this with little babies at home, their husbands who promised them “I’ve changed” out chasing girls and eventually not coming home at all. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
And I’m not sure what everyone means by “Let him know it’s not ok.” Most people realize that cheating is wrong. If this guy knew it, he wouldn’t have kept doing it.
He’s proven to be nothing but a habitual liar and a cheater, nowhere near ready to be anyone’s husband. Why make him yours?
Post # 9
I’m not going to give advice, but I’m going to tell you a little story about cheaters.
Once upon a time a long time ago a girl named Dizbee fell in love. The man she fell in love with claimed to love her too, but continued to ask girls out weeks after they became exclusive. She found out, he cried, they got back together. Then Dizbee caught him emailing an ex in Conneticut telling her he “still loved her and wanted her to move in with him” for no other reason than an ego boots (which he finally flat out tol dher). She found out, he cried, they got back together. THEN, while Dizbee was away in Ireland, she found out he was using the time she was gone as a free-for-all-fuckathon. During their final breakup, he tearfully admitted that he has never stayed faithful to any of his previous girlriends. Dizbee walked away for good and lived happily ever after…
…until two years later when she discovered that the man had found another very young, very sweet girl to manipulate and that he was continuing to cheat on her physically and emotionally, even sending Dizbee texts and IMs asking to hook up. Dizbee collected the evidence and sent everything to the new girl, who refused to believe her. They are now engaged. Dizbee recently heard she’s found out about two more girls since then and they are still engaged. She wishes the girl luck. The end.
Let me assure you this story is not uncommon. Once a pattern of cheating is established, it is very, very hard to break. I find it hard to believe that calling off the wedding pushed a magic button in this guy and changed who he was. I don’t feel qualified to give advice as I’ve never been engaged and I know that takes relationships up to a whole new caliber that’s hard to walk away from, but I just wanted you to know my story with cheaters and the fact that he is still cheating two years after I walked away. My friends have also dealt with cheaters and according to them, his behavior is about par for the course. Take from that what you will.
Post # 10
At least push it back…. you deserve so much better <3
Post # 11
I’m with all the PP, you deserve to completely trust someone and I don’t even trust this guy! I say to push the wedding back, if not cancel it altogether.
Post # 12
I would push it back too. It seems like you know what you want in your heart, but you are afraid that you will have no support for your decision from your family since they said to take him back before. Like you pointed out, you were able to get over it until you realized it was a pattern.
I dated a guy in highschool for about 2 years. I found out from my brother that my boyfriend actually had another girlfriend. Lovely I know. It was true and he said it was over blah blah blah…Well once I finally walked away I found out he asked her to marry him. Fast forward to a year later. Here I was pregnant and happy with my now FI and this ex contacts me to “hook up”. I laugh and say no and said besides I heard you are getting married. His answer…”So.” I said she deserved better than you and hung up. No hard feeling between me and his now wife because we didn’t know about each other until after the facts.
My point to that story is that some people view intimacy, relationships, sex, very differently and even though they make everyone around them believe that they agree with the norms…doesn’t mean they do at all. THEY JUST GET BETTER AT HIDING THEIR TRUTH.
I really think you know all this though and you just need to find the support to move in whatever direction you want. Good Luck.
Post # 13
Honestly, I think you should give up on this guy completely. It’s clearly going to be a struggle to change his behaviour and there are so many awesome other guys in the world who would treat you right.
At the VERY LEAST cancel your wedding for now. Don’t worry about what your family thinks, or about the deposits. Do not marry this guy until YOU ARE READY TO.
Post # 14
I am so sorry hon…. I would run. and never look back
Post # 15
You are right. This is a pattern of behavior. Cut your losses now and GET OUT!
Post # 16
I’m very sorry you are going through this. It’s so hard to accept the reality of the situation and to endure this disappointment…I don’t understand why your friends and family are encouraging you to stay with your FI.
Please try to ignore the pressure and opinions from other people and do what feels right. Marrying when it’s not right is MUCH worse than lost deposits.
Sending you hugs.