Fiance cheating five months before wedding

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I would suggest going to counseling.

The last thing I would want you (or anyone else in this situation) to do is start the leave, apology, get back together, cycle. When you make the decision to stay or leave, make it once and commit.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. You aren’t the first couple that has dealt with infidelity and many couples can and do bounce back from it. This isn’t a death sentance to your relationship, but it doesn’t mean you have to stay, either.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out for you.

Post # 4
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@RoseRose:  Wow. I am sorry this happened to you. I can’t even imagine. It sounds like you already know what you want to do. It sounds like you already know that you aren’t willing to keep going with him. Even if there was nothing physical, he betrayed you. That is hard to get passed in any relationship. I’ve always said that if something like this were to happen in my relationship, I would hope that we would be strong enough to over come it. But my goodness, it would be so hard.

You’ve called of the wedding and that was a smart move. You can give it more time. You don’t have to jump into couselling.

If you do decide to move on to something/someone else, you have to know that that does not mean you will be alone forever. There are so many people out there. Good guys. I think one day you will look back and be thankful this happened. You will be with someone that you can’t imagine not having in your life.

Good luck with your decision. Take all the time you need to think about what you really want.

Post # 5
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

I would not be able to trust someone who cheated on me during what was supposed to be the happiest time of our relationship, the time leading up to us declaring our lifelong commitment to one another. Like you, I would worry about what would happen when things got harder and we had less time for one another due to children… but choosing whether to work through infidelity is a personal choice, so you need to look inside your heart and see whether you are able to forgive and move on. All I can say is – don’t let fear keep you somewhere that you don’t truly want to be. If fear of being able to find someone else to be with is the only thing keeping you in this relationship, then I think you should leave. Trust me – better things are out there!

Post # 6
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@RoseRose:  Sorry you’re dealing with this.  It’s a crappy situation.  My advice would be to go to counseling, both together and separately.  Counseling doesn’t necessarily mean that everything will get fixed, but it might be able to help you decide if you want to continue the relationship.

 

And online dating isn’t so bad… It’s how I met my fiancé. 🙂

Post # 7
Member
4440 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

He is no longer the man you love, people change.  You love who he was, not who he is now.

No amount of counseling can CHANGE WHO HE IS.  This is him.  If you forgive him, you are allowing yourself to hurt again, because there will be an again.

I’m so sorry about your findings…it’s better you found out before marriage, though.

 

If I were you i’d pack up and leave.

 

Post # 8
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@RoseRose:  Yes, you need to walk away. Yes, it’s terrifying and hard. It just needs to happen. He actively sought out a sexual relationship. I know he swears it wasn’t physical, but I can’t imagine that with the amount of time that has gone by and the proximity that he hasn’t actually had sex with her. His story changing does not show remorse – it shows that he had remorse that he got caught.

ETA: I am not necessarily a no-tolerance policy type of gal, but there are different circumstances around cheating. This is one of the no-tolerance circumstances.

 

Post # 9
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@RoseRose:  I’m so sorry he did this to you! I have been cheated on after 5 years and although we were not engaged, the pain was horrendous. Counseling certainly couldn’t hurt. But this is supposed to be the easy part of the relationship – as you said, if he’s already pulling this shit and you aren’t even married yet, I don’t know if you can trust him not to do this again when things are truly tough (sickness, job problems, loss of parents etc.) Life will always be stressful, relationships ebb and flow, and his excuses are crap. I personally would (and did) cut my losses – there are plenty of guys out there who aren’t cheaters. But only you know your man and relationship – be patient with yourself and do what’s best for you.

Having been there, I can tell you that starting over is hard. I didn’t date at all for well over a year, and wasn’t ready for anything serious for a few years (not that you won’t be, that’s just how I felt at the time), but I’m now engaged to a great guy, and this relationship makes the one with my ex look pathetic. Had I stayed with him, I’d always have that suspicion in the back of my mind… no one should have to live this way.

 

 

 

Post # 10
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@Sassyfras27:  +1

 

Sorry OP, for all of this! How horrible! Personally, I wouldnt be able to marry this guy.

Post # 11
Member
376 posts
Helper bee

@RoseRose:  I just wanted to send you the biggest of hugs. I hate to say it but no one can make this decision for you, only you know both of you well enough to establish whether this is something you can work through. I’m truely sorry this happened to you xxxx

Post # 12
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Good for you calling off the wedding.  I wouldn’t waste time and money on counseling if I were you.  He doesn’t deserve a second chance.

Post # 13
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I am very sorry this is happening to you. I have a zero tolerance policy. It’s not ok. It’s never ok. If you want to explore other things then talk to your SO first- break up first.  He shouldn’t do anything with another woman that couldn’t be done in front of you. I understand why people  go to counseling and give 2 nd chances but its Effed up they get to have their fun at your expense and get to keep you too. There are many people that do not cheat and you could find one. 

Post # 14
Member
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sorry you are going through all of this… I can’t imagine after all of that time! I think you deserve better. So unless you think for sure he has changed, I couldn’t go back… It’s worse that YOU had to find out about it, then he lied, kept lying, and then finally told the “truth”

I feel like I couldn’t trust someone like that. 

I agree with the pp that going to counseling doesn’t always mean that you will absolutely get back together, but it could shed some more light on the situation. 

If anything, counseling will help ease your mind that it isn’t your fault he cheated. Regardless of the intimacy problems. He should have spoke to you about it! 

And about dating again, it might be better than you think! 

Post # 15
Member
6891 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m so sorry this happened to you.  I would seriously leave  and  cut my losses.  Could he change and become a new man?  I don’t know,  but I do  know I would not risk going into a marriage with someone who had the capacity to do something like this.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  I agree with all your concerns about the future, when life gets even more complicated and challenging.   Counseling is not necessarily a magic cure.  To be frank, I don’t think it’s worth it in this case.  He lied and lied again, tried to justify his behavior and he’s betrayed your trust.  I’d be so done. 

Post # 16
Member
935 posts
Busy bee

@RoseRose:  there are those who will say outright leave. then there are those who believe ppl make mistakes, blah blah. if any ounce of you feels like its worth it then i would try counseling to rebuild trust and establish and open line of communication just to get everything out there in front of a 3rd objective party. i think you made the right call about calling off the wedding. 

and like the PP dont let the fear of you being alone make you stay with him, thats not a good reason. I know you’re not lookin forward to starting over but if the only reason you are staying is because this relationship is somethin comfortable & you are scared ifyou test the waters again you wont find anything, then you should probably leave. 

but I would take some time and reevaluate things. try the counseling/therapy in a few weeks/month if you think its worth it and if not then pick yourself up by your bootstraps and take that first step to move on.

im sorry this happened to you. it can go either way. this could have been a one time thing with no future implications, or it could be the foreshawdowing of future lying/infidelity. the call is yours. 

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