Fiance delaying babies until everything is 'perfect'

posted 3 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@FutureMrsMarlow:  That’s tough. I do agree there is never a “perfect” time because life doesn’t allow for that. I think you need to dig a bit deeper with your partner to find out what his idea of perfect is. I also agree that it is smart to be prepared and I certainly wouldn’t have a child when I was broke. 

There is a difference between the perfect time and an ideal time. Do you need x amount in the bank? To own a house? Have stable jobs? All of those factors are important to me and I’d never have a child I didn’t feel prepared for. Maybe he just isn’t ready and that’s his excuse. Investigate further and come up with a game plan. 

Post # 4
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

First, I would go to your doctor and get a professional’s opinion about your fertility.  There may be options that were not available to your mother or grandmother.  Second, can you scale down your wedding plans?  If you want to prioritize having children ASAP, maybe have  a small wedding or a very simple wedding (ie cake and punch reception) that you wouldn’t have to save for 2 years for.

Post # 5
Member
6026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You’re just 26 so you’ve got a very long time before you’re entering menopause. Taking some of that time to make sure you’re financially ready for kids seems a wise move to me.

Post # 7
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I would go to a doctor to find out about your fertility. I wouldn’t set up a timeline based on guessing.

I agree that there’s never a “perfect” time to have kids but there are bad times. I don’t think it’s optimal to have children before you get married or buy your home. You don’t want to be worrying about debt. If you really want to push up having kids I would elope and/or make more sacrifices to save more money. Plus, it’s a bad time if you partner is not ready to be a father regardless of the reasons. 

Post # 8
Member
3280 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would at least be married, pay off debts, and get a house before we would even consider kids. FI and I both had great childhoods, everything we could have dreamed of and we want the same for our kids. We want to send them to private schools like we went to and be able to buy them cars, pay for all their colleges in full, etc. I have baby fever like crazy so it’s been terribly difficult to wait, but I want to at least finish my master’s before a baby arrives. I’d say things don’t need to be perfect because they never will be and waiting is so difficult sometimes, but do what you can now to save and pay off debts and maybe your FI will come around after the wedding. 

Post # 9
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Save money by eloping instead fo throwing the traditional wedding.  Then toss out home ownership as a prerequisite.  Kids don’t know or care whether you own your home and my understanding of the UK housing situation is that home ownership is almost prohibitively expensive compared to the US.

If he had a bad childhood that alone may be what makes him hesitant to start a family.  That is something he needs to work on and you can help by discussing what he liked/didn’t like about his childhood and how he would like to raise a child.  Make him understand that he couldn’t control his childhood but he has the ability to control his own child’s childhood and thus he can make the right decisions to be a good father and raise happy, well-adjusted children.

This is also a good moment to discuss with him that waiting to TTC may mean that you won’t be able to have biological children due to early menopause.  If you are both set on having biological children, you definitely need to start sooner rather than later or agree on whether you would be willing to adopt or use a surrogate instead.  Adoption and surrogates are really expensive compared to having your own biological child so maybe addressing it from that angle will help him understand better.

Post # 10
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Like others are saying, get an assessment of your fertility, and then make your decisions based on that. Those results could also sway your fiance’s opinions.

A scaled-down wedding would be in order for me – maybe have a small reception in someone’s backyard, and perhaps save up for a more elaborate ceremony in the future. I had a very simple wedding – not because of financial concerns, but because I saw having the big, traditional wedding as a waste. I don’t regret it at all! We had fewer than 50 guests, and we had plenty of time to mingle and talk to all of them – in addition to just getting to soak up the big day together as a couple, which is something many couples don’t get. We went from getting engaged to married within 9 months.

As far as mortgages, I’m not entirely sure about real estate in the UK – let alone in yoru particular neck of the woods of it. If you haven’t already, really start looking into the market. When we started looking in our area, values were quite low and had been for a while- but started rapidly rising, so we jumped into buying around then.

Are either of you at all handy? We saw so many GREAT houses that needed elbow grease – new carpeting, paint, etc. – and several bidders passed it by because it didn’t look perfect. Some of these places were as much as 40% cheaper than houses of comparable size simply because of cosmetics. Even with remodeling, some of them were still coming out 25 – 30% cheaper than the other places. So many of the “remodeled” houses are marked up to absurd amounts.

In our area, most 900-square foot houses at the time were going for $50, maybe $60k (at the time, that was not what we wanted, but we were getting desperate). The owner paid $20k for the house, put in what we and our contractor-realtor estimated to be way less than $10k of work into the place…and put it on the market for $90k. So, if you’re handy, you can save yourself a LOT of money. 

That’s what I would do in your shoes – it saves you a lot of initial cost. Don’t go for the perfectly primped, looks-like-no-one-ever-lived-here places. Don’t be afraid of a little work, especially if it’s something you can do over time (i.e., new carpeting). 

 

Post # 12
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think it’s smart to try and get your life in order (not perfect, but in order) before kids. Pay off debts, get a house (or a stble living situation), make sure you have good jobs, and good savings (family emergency funds, funds for baby, and personal savings)

You have plenty of time!

I am 26 too, and I’ve decided that it’s worth it to get my life in order over the next few years (work hard and relax often) before kids – I want to be as stable as I can be so we don’t stress out later (or at least reduce the stress)

You will be FINE, and I think it’s better to get to those places (especially financially, sice it involves some heavy budgeting and saving) before you jump into everything.

Besdies – if FI is saying he’s not ready (like I said – it won’t ever be perfect, but he sounds like he just isn’t there yet) then your family is not ready to move forward.
Direct your energies toward helping to prepare instead of trying to convince and it will help things fall into place naturally.

Post # 13
Member
1549 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You need to sit down together and discuss how you both see the list of priorities. Yours is probably baby first and his is probably baby last. so maybe you compromise and put it somewhere in the middle. You can buy a house when the kid is a year old – thats not a big deal. Maybe he wants his kids to have stability since he didnt. So maybe he can compromise at married with no debt and save the house for later. You need to sit down with him and make a plan and compromise.

Are you guys trying to save for a wedding, save for a house, and pay off debt ALL at the same time? If so your basically dividing all your efforts so nothing gets done and everything is delayed – including a baby.. If you do one thing at a time you can accomplish your goals a lot faster – but again that requires having a set priorities that you both agree on. Make a budget and put every extra penny at the debt, then every extra penny to pay for the wedding then every extra penny to save for a house. If you have any savings right now then throw that at goal #1 (well keep a little out for emergencies).

Post # 14
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

It sounds like your FI has been pretty honest where having a baby falls on his list of priotrities. And it sounds like he has valid reasons. I know how hard it can be when you feel like you want a a baby rightthisminute, but it sounds like he is just not at the same point as you. Having a baby when you aren’t both 100% on board or ready will create so much resentment.

I would go along with the biggest game changers-get married (having the wedding you both want, no rushing it just so you can have babies) and pay off debt. The house would be negotiable to me.

Post # 16
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@FutureMrsMarlow:  While you are right that there is never a perfect time to have kids there are things you should really consider before having a child. For me personally, all the things you mentioned would be taken crae of if they were my issues. We wanted to be married, no debt and have a house (as well as a dog). We achieved those things in a short amount of time luckily.

In your situation, I think that if you visit a doc there is a lot they may be able to do for you that they couldn’t do for some of your family in terms of fertility. I would start this by making an appointment. From there, I would get married or at least think about how you would raise a child in a small place (not a house). It can be done, so housing shouldn’t be an issue. It was just something we personally didn’t want to deal with. Marriage was important to us, but it may not be to you guys to be married before kids, and that’s ok, so don’t consider that a factor then. As far as debt is concerned, I would for SURE pay off all debts and start making a plan to save money. There isn’t a certain amount you need or should have in the bank. It is whatever you feel comfortable with.

It most certainly will happen eventually 🙂 I would make that appointment, figure out your options, and then revisit this in 2 years after you’ve either achieved marriage or buying a house and see where you guys are with that.

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