Post # 1
I got engaged a couple months back and found this website two hours after the proposal. I never thought I would join let alone ask for help but a big thank you to anyone to reads and/or replies. Here is my story:
I was physically abused by my mother. Our police department was informed and my sibling and I were removed from our home when I was six. I have scars to this day. In foster care I was sexually abused. I hid all of this and told nobody. Upon coming home, my parents divorced and I was sent to live with my mom. She abandoned me and I started living alone at 14. I was homeless, used to sleep in the garden section of Walmart and worked under the table being as I was so young. I used to steal clean underwear and Cheetos (lord forgive me). Fast forward to 18 I beat the odds and graduated high school and went to college. Met my fiancé shortly after.
Years later I had a life breakdown. My fiancé was the first person who knew that I was raped. I am so grateful that I met him. I thought that would be it. I talk about it and now it’s over but now I still have issues. Hardcore issues. I don’t like being in the nude in front of anyone I don’t like people touching me and I have now decided I need help. It’s embarrassing for me, I have too much pride but the decision came to me this week and I announced it to my better half tonight. Long story short, he told me what is there more to say? In his culture you say things once and it’s over with. Basically my question is, how can I get him to have more compassion? He grew up affluent and never had a struggle. He has a wonderful family and I feel like his background gives him an inability to understand that what happened to me isn’t so easy to just get over. He never has compassion for homeless people or drug addicts. I feel everyone has a story, and I’m upset that mine doesn’t matter. I feel like he is annoyed to have someone who has issues. His lack of emotion has really hurt me.
I check my door 3 times before bed, and when Im laying down I’ll go check it again. Once my fiancé surprised me by coming home early and he crept up behind me and I started sobbing. I’m so scared of the dark I sleep with a night light. seeing any type of pornography or sex scenes in movies makes me nervous I start sweating and get hot flashes. When people yell at me I get a twitch. This isn’t normal. I want my life back and I’m not sure if his lack of compassion is something that would make or break our relationship? I need help…how can I get him to care?
any words of encouragment or advice would be great.
sorry for grammar errors I’m writing on my phone. God bless
Post # 3
@MsNatasha: victims resource center is a good start. They can set you up with counseling .
this is not a bad thing. Many many women have gone through abuse and relearning appropriate coping skills is something all of us face.
You are strong, you are a survivor. You are a fighter. What has torn down many people, you have beaten the odds.
Post # 4
@MsNatasha: I am sorry you had such a shitty upbringing. Congratulations for triumphing over what life handed you.
Have you had therapy? Although it would be nice if he had a bit more empathy, you stated he doesn’t have empathy for anyone , so he is not singling you out.
If you have had therapy, it may be time to go back, if you still have that degree of fear.
Post # 5
as far as your FI what exactly do you want from him? He can’t make the past go away, and what is talking to him about it going to do? He can’t fix what has happend, that’s nto his job, that’s a counselora job. His job is to love you, broken bits and all, and respect your boundaries.
When you say he has no compassion, what would show that?
Post # 6
@julies1949: Thank you! Graduated in December with my bachelors
Okay maybe I wrote it wrong but it cut off half my answer! He is very emotional when it comes to movies or shows. He cries during every Undercover Boss episode but he detaches in real life. Birdy thank you for your kind words!
And besides court mandated therapy between ages 11-13 I had I therapy. I forgot to mention I became mute after a bit. I never spoke. I’m very shy. This would be the first time talking to someone
Post # 7
I went through, and am going through (becuase I don’t think such scars every really go away completely) similar, though not extreme, with my fiance.
First things first, find a great therapist that can hold your hand through this.
My own personal thoughts/advice:
My bet is that he, like you, doesn’t even know where to start. For someone who has no familiarity with the sort of childhood that you had the concept of being homeless and alone at such a young age is completely foreign. My bet is that he wishes he could help, but doesn’t know how because he doesn’t fully understand. He, like you is likely feeling overwhelmed and unsure WHAT to feel.
It sounds, based on your writing here, that you have only just started opening up about your past. Congratulations on doing this. This is a tremmendously hard thing to do.
Instead of asking for an emotion,compassion, from your fiance, possibly just start by asking for a patient listener. Ask him to be willing to listen to you talk through your thoughts and experiences. This hopefully could build a common ground and foster and understanding from him for you, and a new understanding from yourself for yourself.
Never feel ashamed of your past. Feel proud of it because you over came it.
Good luck. You can overcome this and I am definitely rooting you on <3
Post # 8
@imalittlebirdie: I guess by compassion I would like him to listen to me and not just dismiss my issues as irrelevant. I don’t expect him to fix me, but I would like him to hold me. Sometimes that’s all you need. I don’t think he understands that I don’t control how I feel about it. I need his support. It’s so difficult and I don’t expect him to just do everything for me but I’m broken. I was broken when I met him and I feel like he just wants it to be over. I dont know how to tell him that this isnt a cold or a flu, it took me over a decade to say I was raped. It’s going to take time to heal…but he seems so…over it?
Post # 9
@freshflowers: oh wow thank you so much for your post. I couldn’t help but start crying during reading what you wrote. You pulled the words that I couldn’t find. I need a listener. Thank you so much, I will use this approach next.
I have issues speaking, I became like that girl from that movie Speak. I am now learning how to open my mouth, for other things besides eating! God bless you!
Post # 10
@MsNatasha: Did you ever think that maybe he isn’t really dismissing your issues/what happened? If my FI wanted to talk to me about any type of abuse he endured, I probably wouldn’t want to talk about either. Here’s why: For one, I can’t help. Nothing I could say or do would change the situation. Two, maybe he doesn’t want to “break down” in front of you (you went through it; not him). It is very hard to stay strong for those you love the most. I don’t believe he is detatched from what you went through but is unsure of how to console you and is wary of his own feelings towards the situation. Would you like the thought of someone you love being abused in your head? The thought of your future spouse being sexually abused? Probably not. I’m not saying his actions are justifiable but there are reasons for everything.
Post # 11
@MsNatasha: That’s still puting a lot of the onus on him. You say you need his support ok how ? When you say you want him to listen ? How so ? There is a big difference between ” I am having an issue because of this thing”, and wanting him to process your truma with You.
Being supportive is ” ok this thing happened to you and that sucks and you might have a panic attack but I’m still here” being supportive is not ” I will hold you untill all the bad memory’s go away and i will listen to all detail and bear this burden with you.” That’s co- dependency and not a boundary that should be crossed.
please go talk to a counselor.
i know this comes off as kinda harsh , and I’m sorry emotion doesn’t come across well via text, however I do know form whence I speak as I have been abused( I’m sure I you search me you can find the story somewhere) I Was diagnosed with PTSD from it as well as depression ams anxiety. And I work as a counselor at a residential facility for victimized youths.
Post # 12
@invisabee: Yeah I didn’t want to jump to conclusions but I’m not sure how to go about it. My friends and I went through the same type of experiences. We have this bond where my friend can come over and cry about his family issues. I get the feeling that FI (am I using the correct abbreviation?) is more like emotion is a sign of weakness. Get it together and move on. He grew up in a very emotionless world…I guess our backgrounds confuse me. I console my friends and hug them and he gives me a pat on the back and tells me live moves on we can’t cry over every broken finger nail. I will try to not pressure him into going into this topic with me. I didn’t realize that maybe it was an uncomfortable topic for him. Thank you for your reply.
Post # 13
I first want to say that coming from such a tough childhood and rising from the ashes, I am in awe of your strength.
And while I don’t have much advice I can say my husband is very similar and kind of callouse when it comes to sensitive things. He would rather we talk about it once and brush it away. The one coping method I have is to discuss it with someone who wants to work it out with you, and go home to him as your rock. Maybe he can distract you from it all and give you an opportunity to focus soley on your happy future. 🙂
Post # 14
@imalittlebirdie: I appreciate the insight. I don’t expect a co-dependent relationship, just maybe a little sensitivity to the issue. It’s all brand new for both of us, but not too long ago he had a huge issue with his step father that I patiently helped him through (step father stole money). He felt violated and our world was centered around it for months. I was sensitive to his issue, and Id like the same in return. I don’t expect him to come up with a cure or to listen to every detail, but when I brought it up at dinner he kind of sighed like here we go again…I rarely talk about it. I’m scared to talk about it I don’t want to overwhelm him but if we are getting married I would hope to have him say “Hey Nat I think that’s a wonderful idea! Whatever you need to do I support”. I guess I didn’t clarify he is against counseling…says it’s a waste of time. He td me if he doesn’t understand it how can a stranger get it. That’s what led me to write this forum. I’d like him to support my decision to seek help. Id like him to be sensitive to the issue and not just continuously bash me for not being automatically “over it”. Thank you for replying!
Post # 15
I am sending so much love your way, girl <3
Post # 16
He lacks empathy & doesn’t want you going to therapy, ie to take care of yourself.
I have problems with this guy.
Does he remind you of anyone from your past?
After everything you’ve been through at such a tender age, you need & deserve the support of a capable therapist. Your partner should be your biggest cheerleader in that endeavor. There will be some rough sessions– be sure to have supportive people in your life.
It sounds as if you’re asking your FI for something he just does not have to give. I’m sorry.