Fiancé doesn't care about my abusive past, I need help!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@MsNatasha:   victims resource center is a good start. They can set you up with counseling .

this is not a bad thing. Many many women have gone through abuse and  relearning appropriate coping skills is something all of us face. 

You are strong, you are a survivor. You are a fighter.   What has torn down many people, you have beaten the odds.


Post # 4
44987 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MsNatasha: I am sorry you had such a shitty upbringing. Congratulations for triumphing over what life handed you.

Have you had therapy? Although it would be nice if he had a bit more empathy, you stated he doesn’t have empathy for anyone , so he is not singling you out.

If you have had therapy, it may be time to go back, if you still have that degree of fear.

Post # 5
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@julies1949:  +1


as far as your FI what exactly do you want from him?  He can’t make the past go away, and  what is talking to him about it going to do? He can’t fix what has happend, that’s nto his job, that’s a counselora job. His job is to love you, broken bits and all, and respect your boundaries.

 When you say he has no compassion, what would show that? 


Post # 7
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I went through, and am going through (becuase I don’t think such scars every really go away completely) similar, though not extreme, with my fiance.

First things first, find a great therapist that can hold your hand through this.

My own personal thoughts/advice:

My bet is that he, like you, doesn’t even know where to start. For someone who has no familiarity with the sort of childhood that you had the concept of being homeless and alone at such a young age is completely foreign. My bet is that he wishes he could help, but doesn’t know how because he doesn’t fully understand. He, like you is likely feeling overwhelmed and unsure WHAT to feel. 

It sounds, based on your writing here, that you have only just started opening up about your past. Congratulations on doing this. This is a tremmendously hard thing to do. 

Instead of asking for an emotion,compassion, from your fiance, possibly just start by asking for a patient listener. Ask him to be willing to listen to you talk through your thoughts and experiences. This hopefully could build a common ground and foster and understanding from him for you, and a new understanding from yourself for yourself.

Never feel ashamed of your past. Feel proud of it because you over came it. 

Good luck. You can overcome this and I am definitely rooting you on <3


Post # 10
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2006

@MsNatasha:  Did you ever think that maybe he isn’t really dismissing your issues/what happened? If my FI wanted to talk to me about any type of abuse he endured, I probably wouldn’t want to talk about either. Here’s why: For one, I can’t help. Nothing I could say or do would change the situation. Two, maybe he doesn’t want to “break down” in front of you (you went through it; not him). It is very hard to stay strong for those you love the most. I don’t believe he is detatched from what you went through but is unsure of how to console you and is wary of his own feelings towards the situation. Would you like the thought of someone you love being abused in your head? The thought of your future spouse being sexually abused? Probably not. I’m not saying his actions are justifiable but there are reasons for everything. 

Post # 11
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@MsNatasha:   That’s still puting a lot of the onus on him.  You say you need his support ok how ? When you say you want him to listen ? How so ? There is a big difference between ” I am having an issue because of this thing”, and wanting him to process your truma with You.  

Being supportive is ” ok this thing happened to you and that sucks  and you might have a panic attack but I’m still here” being supportive is not ” I will hold you untill all the bad memory’s go away and i will listen to all detail and bear this burden with you.”  That’s co- dependency and not a boundary that should be crossed.

please go talk to a counselor. 

i know this comes off as kinda harsh , and I’m sorry emotion doesn’t come across well via text, however I do know form whence I speak as I have been abused( I’m sure I you search me you can find the story somewhere) I Was diagnosed with PTSD from it as well as depression ams anxiety. And I work as a counselor at a residential facility  for victimized youths. 

Post # 13
183 posts
Blushing bee

I first want to say that coming from such a tough childhood and rising from the ashes, I am in awe of your strength. 

And while I don’t have much advice I can say my husband is very similar and kind of callouse when it comes to sensitive things. He would rather we talk about it once and brush it away. The one coping method I have is to discuss it with someone who wants to work it out with you, and go home to him as your rock. Maybe he can distract you from it all and give you an opportunity to focus soley on your happy future. 🙂

Post # 16
5492 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010


He lacks empathy & doesn’t want you going to therapy, ie to take care of yourself.

I have problems with this guy.

Does he remind you of anyone from your past?

After everything you’ve been through at such a tender age, you need & deserve the support of a capable therapist.  Your partner should be your biggest cheerleader in that endeavor.  There will be some rough sessions– be sure to have supportive people in your life.

It sounds as if you’re asking your FI for something he just does not have to give.  I’m sorry.

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