Fiance doesn't want his Mom to bring her husband.

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1931 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry, but I agree with your FI. Abusive stepfather? NOT invited. 

Post # 4
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I wouldn’t want him there either.  I think this is your FI’s call and his job to tell his mother.

Post # 5
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@BriansBride:  If he doesn’t want him there he needs to be clear with his wishes and I would want to have someone available to keep watch in case she says one thing but then brings him anyway. 

I would respect his choice and work with friends/family to make it clear this is the plan and you need their support in case he shows up day of to ensure he is not welcome.

It may cause his mother to decide not to go, or leave day of if she won’t stay if her husband is turned away. As long as everyone knows the plan and is ok with what might happen (his mom leaving) you can enjoy your day.

This must be so stressful and I wish you both the best!

Post # 6
Member
8922 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Oh god, how awful.  I agree with PP and your fiance, just lay down the law that he is NOT invited.  If the mom throws a fit, too bad.  

It sounds like your poor FI is still somewhat traumatized by his upbringing and that having the douchebag around brings that all back – which is the last thing you want on your wedding day!

Post # 7
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@BriansBride:  Nope. He would not be allowed anywhere near my wedding! 

My bio father was very abusive and I would never even consider tossing him an invite. Tell your MIL that he is not allowed near the party and if she throws a fit then that is too bad. So sorry your FI had to grow up like that and I am even more sorry that the asshole is still around! 

Post # 8
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@BriansBride:  Not inviting the stepfather would probably cause the stepfather to beat on his mother as a result; and she would likely not be allowed to attend the wedding. Not inviting both the stepfather and his mother would probably also lead to a beating.  Unfortunately, by staying with a man that beats her, his mother has put herself in an awful situation.  Your FI needs to decide if it’s more important to have his mother there or risk her not attending should he not invite his stepfather.  But if he is included he needs to be treated like your stepdad to avoid unnecessary conflict (or physical altercations) between your FI’s stepfather and your FI’s mother.

A good photographer can pretend to take shots and/or crop unwanted people out of them as necessary without outright telling the person you are trying to cut out of the shot.  If you’re wedding is big enough, you won’t have to spend much time with the stepfather and you can always appoint friends/family to spot him talking to you and your FI and instruct them to come save you with a “wedding emergency/issue/family you need to talk to/something you need to do…”

After the wedding, your FI needs to decide whether he wants to continue a relationship with his mother knowing that she is a package deal with the stepfather.  Due to the domestic violence, it’s unlikely he can maintain a healthy relationship with his mother while she’s married to the stepfather and maybe your FI limiting/cutting off his relationship with his mother might be a wakeup call to the abuse she is suffering from.

Post # 9
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Wow. When I read the headline I automatically thought ‘of course spouses are invited’. No way!  I wouldn’t want this guy at my wedding either.

What worries me though is his mom. I find it hard to think that a battered woman is completely at fault for her sons miserable youth – she is a victim in this too, and although she obviously made one huge sucky choice in marrying this asshole, I don’t hear that his mom has been neither emotionally or physically abusive of your FI. I’m just saying, because these scenarios sound absolutely terrifying. I’m also saying it because I assume your FI still loves her and finds it horrible that she is held hostage in this marriage. I’m just trying to imagine what would happen if she came home to her abusive husband and told him that he was not invited. How do you think he would react? Do you think he’d ignore it and show up or do you think she wouldn’t even tell him that he wasn’t welcome? 

If someone had abused me like that as a child I’d probably do anything to avoid them showing up at my wedding. 

Post # 10
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well of course she’s going to bring him. If he feels that she should not, he should be honest and straight forward with her and deal with the consequences of how she reacts. It’s not a good idea to just cross your fingers and hope someone will do something that you KNOW they won’t do. If he doesn’t want to say something, he needs to accept and prepare himself for the fact that his stepfather WILL be there

Post # 11
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Not in the pictures?? How about not at the wedding!? If your mom doesn’t like it, tough shit. It’s your FI’s call. She doesn’t have to go either. If he feels this strongly about that asshole not being there, then he needs to speak up ASAP. 

Post # 12
Member
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

My mom died when I was 10, but not before I saw my stepfather beat the crap out of her a few times.  My only caution to you is that really can’t ask FMIL to choose son or husband.  If she chooses son, she is probably going to get beat.  If she chooses husband, your FI will be crushed.  Is she supposed to take a beating to keep the peace here?

Believe me, I GET IT.  I truly, honestly do, but don’t put her in the position of being abused because her DH isn’t allowed near the wedding.  Someone WILL pay for that decision and it will probably be her.

You and FI need to discuss this from that aspect and he needs to decide what is best.  To think that your FMIL will be allowed to attend and pay no consequences for basically kicking her husband to the curb is naive.

This is a bad position for everyone (except the stepdad) to be in.  It isn’t so black and white.  Think long and hard before he makes his decision on how to handle this.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

Post # 13
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@beachbride1216:  Although I hate to think of his mom getting abused because of his wedding choice, I disagree with you that the right answer is inviting him. Who knows what he will do to ruin the wedding day? Even his presense there will be a reminder of terrible things. Besides, his mother will doubtless get abused for many more things if she stays with the abuser. The issue is NOT a wedding invite but the relationship itself. She needs to leave this man. Unfortunately, unless that’s a decision SHE makes, her son and his wife can’t do much except encourage her along the right path with love.

Post # 15
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Nope, nope. Your husband will never be able to relax and enjoy the day if HIS ABUSER is right there. If mom refuses to go, that’s her decision. He isn’t a little boy anymore. You can support him in making decisions that empower him. I hope you both stay strong when talking to his mom.

 

Post # 16
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@BriansBride:  I just read your latest update. Mom seems like she is deep in denial. Like I said before, stay strong and be his support. If he looks like he’s going to cave in to mom’s demands you should ask him to visualize his step dad there. Maybe that will help. This while situation sucks, especially for him. I wish you both a very PEACEFUL wedding!

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