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I'm really sorry you've been hit with this, sweetie. It's understandable why you're upset. You've formed certain expectations about marriage based on things he'd said and done, and now it's like none of that matters.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks like you're 19 or 20 and he's 21. You guys are SO young. I know marriage is something you really want right now, but consider for a moment if it's best for you to be married around this age. This is the time of your life where you're figuring out all sorts of things about yourself. You both are at this stage, where you're still growing. You're still figuring out what you want out of life, and so's your FI. When you guys decide to get married is more subject to change now than it will be when you guys are older, have maybe finished college, have careers, and have had a few years experience in the adult world.
It's possible to marry young, have a successful marriage, and not miss out on any of your "growing up" milestones. We got engaged when I was 19 and DH was 20. We were 21 and 22 when we got married. It's possible, but you absolutely have to be on the same page and be 100% committed to making it work.
It sounds like your FI is a little unsure about things right now--it's probably not that he doesn't want to marry you, period, but that he's not sure he wants to get married NOW. Have a chat with him about his sudden change of heart, explain how it makes you feel, and move from there. There's nothing wrong with waiting a few years--not because you're "young," but because maybe it's just not quite the right time yet. Good luck!
Sorry you're going through this. You can put the engagement on hold for awhile, people do it every day.
While there is nothing specifically wrong with getting married young, there's also no rush to get married!! The odds are already not in the favor of 19 year olds getting married, but adding what he said to you to those odds...not good. If you're happy and he's happy just being together and being engaged, hold off on the wedding for a while. I can't say this enough - unless there are children, religious reasons, or something else drastic - there is noooooo rush to get married! You may find 2 years from now, he's ready and excited about it.
Sorry you're going through this :( My FI has never really wanted a wedding or cared about being legally married(He is a super sweet proposal and the whole works though) . This doesn't mean he doesn't love me! He is going through the whole wedding thing FOR ME! He would be happy with or without it. Just because you don't have a wedding or a marriage certificate doesn't mean they don't want to be with you.
I was never a girl to dream of a wedding so it came as a surprise to me that once we were engaged I started wanting a wedding and love the idea of planning it....This took my FI by surprise I think. Maybe your FI said what he was feeling, but never meant he didn't want to get married, Maybe he meant he was indifferent to the idea?
@Candace From BC: Ya know I was a lot like you I never had any plan for a wedding or anything either and the wedding is still 2 years away since we are waiting until I graduate. He said he was doing the whole marriage thing for me because he wanted to be with me no matter what. So your story seems a lot like mine and it is encouaging that you are doing just fine. Thanks so much. Him and I are going to discuss what he actually meant by that tonight when he gets home from work.
Sorry for your struggle, but the best advice I can offer is to just talk it out. Get to the root of what's bothering him.
I think you definitely need to have a chat about this with him, without getting emotional or having him get defensive. It's possible that he proposed because he felt that it was the next step and didn't realize that when you propose..you ARE actually asking to get married. That's sort of the point of a proposal. That's the part that confuses me, why propose marriage and then retract the marriage part? You guys could have been living together for the past year without a ring, so I'll admit that part confuses me and I would think would add to your confusion.
Ask him what he means (not next year or not EVER?) and if he's thought about what he said and its implications - does that mean he doesn't want kids (that have both of your last name)? Doesn't want his own ring to symbolize your committment? Doesn't want all the other normal "married" things? It's fine that he's comfortable where you are - good even - but it doesn't actually make sense that he proposed and THEN figured it out.
Sorry for the ramblings, just my thoughts.
My exH never wanted to get married and only did so to 'shut me up about it'. I never felt he was fully committed to our marriage. I also resented that I never received a proper proposal or engagement ring.
We had been together 7 years when we married, I was 33 and he was 32. Our marriag e lasted 6 years. We had other problems, but always at the back of my mind was that I had forced him into something he had made clear he didn't want.
I would never marry a man who had told me he didn't want to get married. Your ages are irrelevant.
I'm sorry your only finding all this out now, I can only suggest find out WHY he doesn't want to get married, then work together from there :(
If he never wants to get married [ like the type who doesn't believe in marriage etc etc] then you need to reavaluate what you want in life, and if this is once of them.
He may just very well not be ready emotionally, financially, spiritually or physically to be married. While its is incredibly easy to say vows and have a party, the commitment involved is forever and serious!
I hope the talk goes well and you find out more about what is going on. Keep us updated!
hey bees to those of you who care about the final verdict on the subject,
turns out it was just a total miscommunication luckily! He said he doesn't mind the whole married part as he wants to be with me forever, etc. He just thinks that weddings are a waste of money.
@futuretrent: Glad to hear it was just miscommunication! Good on you for resolving to talk to him right away about it rather than let it stew into something it wasn't.
I totally get what he's trying to say about weddings being too financially straining, since they're supposed to be about a couple committing to each other - if he feels he's already committed, the wedding can feel like unnecessary extraneous costs.
Hopefully you guys can be super financially savvy about it if you want to!
It sounds like you two should work on your communication skills... that's a pretty big miscommunication to have.
@futuretrent: glad to hear it was a miscommunication! Communication is difficult for everyone (at least I think so), so maybe you guys can work on your communication skills together? Make sure you're on the same page. And I agree - weddings are expensive, even if you go cheap. Good luck1
Yay!! Im glad you guys talked it out and yes miscommuniction suckkss- but Im glad you guys talked about it (: weddings to me is really hard and to some it is a waste of money.. hah, but I hope you guys can find out what suits both your styles and idea of a wedding and create ur perfect day (:
He 'doesn't mind the whole married part'?!
Doesn't sound like you two have the same idea of what marriage means to you. I'd have have another chat with him and maybe take some time to figure out if YOU are okay with that. I know I wouldn't want someone marrying me just because I wanted it.
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Good morning bees,
Last night my fiancé told me something I really did not want to hear. He informed me he doesn't see the point in marriage and doesn't want to get married. Now to tell you how him and I came about:
I was 17 almost 18 he was 19, we met and it was love at first sight. 2nd date he told me he loved me and wanted to make me his wife. Fast forward 2 years later here we are engaged for a year and he tells me he doesn’t see the point in marriage since we already live together nothing will change. It brings me to tears to think about this. Maybe we shouldn't have moved in together, but it just seemed so right we wanted to make sure we could put up with each other’s habits before making it official. Now a year later he tells me he doesn't want to get married but he knows I do so he will. I do not want him to get married just because I want to. If this is the case why did he propose and ask me to marry him? (he was so sweet he got down on one knee and everything! ) Did he just do that because I wanted him to? I don't get it why all of a sudden the “I don't want to get married, I want to be with you but I don't want to get married.” Please help me bees I am so confused and heartbroken, I am going to talk to him about this tonight when he gets home from work, but I need help now before I go crazy.