Fiance doubting, causing me to doubt

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Ngluck:   Sounds to me as if he needs a bit more time before he is able to make a commitment.  When one partner wants chidren, and the other doesn’t,  that is a major gap in expectations – the sort of thing that causes stress in marriages.  

Marriage doesn’t magically change people.   He may well mature as he ages, but I know plenty of men who get married but still live the single life.   

I’m not sure if this counts as wisdom, but if he is Mr Right today, he will be Mr Right in another year.  I’d give this engagement more time.  *hugs*

Post # 3
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

Ngluck:  I agree with PP. You shouldn’t get married with these doubts. It doesn’t mean you have to break up, but give it more time.

Post # 4
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Ngluck:  I hate to say so but it doesn’t sound like either of you is ready to get married. As PP said, marriage doesn’t magically change people. Marriage is a big deal. You shouldn’t be taking that leap until you’re both on the same page. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment by expecting him to see things your way the moment you exchange your vows. 

Post # 5
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Ngluck:  THe thing that concerns me most is him never wanting kids.  If that is something you want then it would be better for you to call things off now.  I waited around for my ex husband to change his mind about kids and it destroyed our marriage (hence ex husband).  You can’t have half a child so one of you is going to end up disappointed and potentially taking out that frustration on your marriage.

P.S. If you’re asking whether men change over time or not, the answer is no.  People do change or evolve some ideas and behavior over time but for the most part people are who they are and you either take them or leave them as they are.  It’s not fair to tell him you love him like he is and then expect him to change after you get married.

Post # 6
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

These doubts will not a healthy marriage make. It’s normal to have fears or doubts or questions when your wedding date gets closer, everyone freaks out when the looming date of solidifying yourself to one person for the rest of your life is now in the forseeable future.<br /><br />If I were you, I’d push the date back. You’re both still young (Although I did get married at 25.) and perhaps you both just need time with each other to talk it out and set these fears aside.

Post # 8
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Don’t get married until there is an agreement about kids. Sorry to be blunt.

hugs and best of luck! 

Post # 9
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

don’t get married if either of you has doubts. real doubts. that isn’t just cold feet. cold feet is nervous but not doubtful

Post # 10
Member
2246 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Ok so it took me a good many years to actually realize that this is usually true: when men say something REALLY listen because what they say is EXACTLY what they mean. It won’t change, it’s not a question of interpreting it correctly, thinking that they have “issues” (communication, commitment, etc) and that surely they meant something else…no. When a man says “I’m not ready that’s exactly what it means”. Same goes for “I don’t know if I want children,” or “I’m not sure I want to get married right now.” I’m sorry Ngluck But it sounds like he’s told you how he feels.

Post # 11
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I’m afraid that I have NEVER seen a couple stay together in the long term when one partner wants children and the other one does not.

You need to resolve that issue before you marry.

It also bothers me that he is worried about never sleeping with anyone ever again. If you are completely sure about your relationship, that should be the last thing on your mind…

Post # 12
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Ngluck:  doesn’t sound like you guys are ready. the children thing and the fidelity thing are big issues. My advice; don’t get married until these things are resolved. If you want to marry someone, truly….the thought of this being your last sexual partner should be te furthest thing from your mind! in my humble opinion it speaks volumes about how one truly sees their future, that they could see it without one another…

Children; this is for sure a deal breaker if you can’t agree, or ant decide right now…you would be doing yourselvs a huge favor by not getting married until you can see eye to eye.

this all goes to show marriage isn’t just a day, a ring, a promise, a dress….it all means nothing if you are missing what it takes to make it work. 

Post # 13
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Ngluck:  doesn’t sound like you guys are ready. the children thing and the fidelity thing are big issues. My advice; don’t get married until these things are resolved. If you want to marry someone, truly….the thought of this being your last sexual partner should be te furthest thing from your mind! in my humble opinion it speaks volumes about how one truly sees their future, that they could see it without one another… Children; this is for sure a deal breaker if you can’t agree, or ant decide right now…you would be doing yourselvs a huge favor by not getting married until you can see eye to eye. this all goes to show marriage isn’t just a day, a ring, a promise, a dress….it all means nothing if you are missing what it takes to make it work. 

Post # 14
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Definitely, I mean definitely, do not get married to this guy unless you are certain you will not wake up in 20 years and realize your biggest regret in life is never having had kids.

Dont go into this marriage assuming you can change his mind. He is being very honest and upfront about this wih you, which is fantastic – but you need to respect him enough to know that he probably will not change his mind and you just can’t manipulate someone into children they don’t want in the first place without a lot of heartache down the road.

Post # 15
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

Ngluck:  I think that he needs time to think about things, and that it is going to take much longer than two months for him to make this decision. I’m not sure why you are in such a rush. You are still young, and you two haven’t been together that long at all. I would just put things on hold if I were you and see where you both are really going in life. I think if he truly does not want children that it will end up one of two ways. You will either be forced to be childless and resent him, or he will have to have children and resent you. Neither of these is a good option, so I would take time to think these things through and discuss these issues with him

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