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You need to speak to your fiance and get it all settled. This is upsetting you and you need some kind of resolution. Whether he restricts his friendship to work only or stops the friendship completely. You need to communicate your needs and allow him to explain why this friendship has become important enough for him to communicate so much with her. Then you need to compromise and find a solution that works for both of you.
This situation is rough. I hope you can resolve it.
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I see two issues here. You don't trust him, and have accessed his private accounts online, and he's also not been truthful with you about his whereabouts.
My opinion is to find a pro-marriage counselor and work on this before taking your vows of forever.
I can't tell you what to do, just follow both your heart AND mind and listen to the professional and listen to your FI. I'm a huge fan of Dr. Willard and Steve harley, of Marriage Builders and they have wonderful books about affair-proofing a marriage. But if there's a real and significant tendency towards infidelity on either part (either the groom or bride) BEFORE the marriage, with little sign of remorse for their actions, I might seriously reconsider marrying my FI.
Again, we don't know what has happened prior to this in your r, but if there is a pattern that exists, you have to address that issue.
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I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. And I would probably feel the exact same way if my fiance was acting distant and had been exchanging text messages with a coworker.
I would sit down and have a discussion with your fiance and explain to him how you are feeling. How his interaction with this woman is making you feel. If you continue to feel uncomfortable about it, I would ask him if he would minimize his contact with her.
It sounds to me as if this communication has grown beyond just everyday office chatting to more personal means of communication facebook, personal email and texting.
Do you have any reason to suspect there's something going on? Has he cheated in the past? How would you feel if this same kind of communication was with a male coworker.
Best of luck, sweetie. Hang in there and stay strong!
I'm a big fan of 'trust your gut." If you have a gut feeling that something is going on, chances are, you're right.
If I were in your position, I would immediately stop making wedding plans until it was resolved.
I think that male/female friendships are possible,- and I would never tolerate being forbidden from seeing someone, but I know that if my husband expressed discomfort over a friendship, I would take steps to rectify it (stop seeing that person one-on-one, communicate only by Facebook Wall posts so that everything was transparent, etc.).
I would be very upset by the behavior and actions you've described. It's one thing for my husband to make a flirty comment in me presence, when I can be sure that the tone and body language convey a harmless interaction. It's a whole other ball of wax for there to be numerous Facebook messages, texts, etc. that were kept private from you.
And what business does your husband have befriending a "young girl?" He better also watch that this doesn't turn into an office scandal or sexual harassment claim.
You can't have a marriage if you don't have trust. You can't spend the rest of your life playing private detective to make sure he's faithful.
Counseling may help- the counselor may offer ways that he can bolster your trust in him and repair the rift.
Bottom line- I wouldn't be planning a wedding to a man I didn't trust. I'd halt all the planning until I was sure we had worked it out.
Sorry you're dealing with this. Good luck.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I'd go talk to the girl. If you have his passwords then you have access to her account, too. Email or message her and ask what is going on. She might be more help than your FI. She has no emotional connection to you so she can be completely honest (whether good or bad.) If talking to your FI doesn't work, this might be your best option.
some extra info...
this is the first time something like this has happened to us. our relationship was as close to "perfect" as possible with just normal bumps along the road.
to my knowledge he has never cheated on me or any other girlfriends in the past and seems to have a high moral standard for this (he was cheated on once before and immediately left the girl saying it "changed everything" between them.
i explained to him that i have no problem with him having friends who are female, but that they should not impact our lives, if they chat at work that's fine, but when they are in contact out of work and frequently when i'm not around then that is something i'm uncomfortable with. he seemed to understand, but i know he has not stopped the out-of-office contact with her.
other signs do not point to this going beyond what i am fully aware of, i have no reason to believe things have gotten physical... (yet) between them, but i feel as though my feelings should matter more than an "office friend" and if they are continuing contact when he knows it upsets me i feel betrayed and shocked.
if it were a male coworker, i would feel differently. perhaps that isn't fair, but i can't see him sending numerous messages to someone in the evenings or during the day on the weekend. he has friends who are males and they frequently hang out, but this seems like a "courtship" rather than a friendship.
the exchanges seem to be about "movies" and what they did that day, etc. but i don't understand WHY they would feel the need to stay in contact afterwork if they weren't interested in one another in some capacity.
(and i have stopped wedding planning for now, luckily we weren't too far along yet so that hasn't been hard to do).
I'm sorry!
Stick to your gut as Rosychiclet says and stop planning the wedding and get to work on resolving this. I wouldn't necessarily speak to the girl as EAQ said, because she has no reason to be truthful to you either and who knows what her motives are. Speak with your SO, get counseling if you need it and just try to figure it out with both your heart and brain.
I second Rosy and Bellanga.
This is probably not what you want to hear, but I think the relationship / "flirting" is completely inappropriate and he is disrespecting you and setting himself up to cheat, either physically or emotionally (or both).
What does this mean? Probably not that he has cheated. I think it is the proverbial cold feet. But not in the sense that he does not want to marry you. He is probably just having thoughts about "what else is out there." Have you talked about these potential feelings with him? Is he dismissive of your feelings? Does he agree the relationship is inappropriate.
Bottom line is the relationship between your guy and this chick has got to end. Now. The problem is, now that you know about the relationship you will probably not be able to trust him that nothing is going on and will be tempted to "snoop." My suggestion? Unless he is completely contrite and understands all of your points and swears off this girl/flirting with her, talk to a counselor.
Also ask him to change all of his internet passwords so you are not tempted to snoop. IMHO, if you can't trust him to not flirt over email, you are not going to be able to make it in your marriage.
And GOOD LUCK!
My FI has several girl friends, whom I've met and hung out several times with. I am fine with those relationships. He also has one girl "friend" that I know about but have never met. Same situation as yours, they met at work and were in contact here and there. Although I believe and trust that nothing went beyond friendship, I still felt uncomfortable because I have never met her. I let him know at what levels I would be comfortable/uncomfortable with their friendship like if he discussed intimate details of his and my relationship, flirting, hiding the fact that they are in contact etc. Basically, anything that seems shady. He's aware and as far as I know contact between them has diminished/ doesn't go beyond what I'm comfortable with. Basically, I think if you're not comfortable with your FI's relationship with this women and you have legitimate reasons to feel that way he needs to respect that and either cut off all communication, or arrange a time for you to meet her and see for yourself their true relationship. You both need to establish levels of comfort and boundaries.
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When we were planning our wedding, my husband had just started a new job, which meant getting to know his coworkers (some of which were young girls)...and now he's great friends with his coworkers...so I get the whole dynamic of getting to know your coworkers...but I have to be honest and say that I think the MULTIPLE DAILY emails, facebook, IMing and texting is too much.
Most of my coworkers are men and so my closest friend at the office is a guy (who I grab lunch with, go to happy hour with, and talk/email with during the day) but I do NOT send multiple text messages, emails, and facebook messages in the evenings and on the weekends...especially about how he was looking that day...if they looked nice you would just say it to their face like you would any other friend...that sounds more like flirting behavior. Maybe I'm super sensitive, but it's weird to me and I think you should follow your gut and work through this (don't let it go).
thank you everyone for your comments and support. it's hard to discuss this with my female friends, as many of them aren't married or even in serious relationships.
we've discussed the idea that it's cold feet and even that we're both still alive and may ponder "what else is out there." he swears that he still wants to marry me and that she means "nothing" to him but i'm just so sad about it all. i went from feeling like i was more than enough for him to feeling like he's already looking elsewhere and we're not even married yet.
i know about his other girl-friends from work and i've met nearly all of them. i had no idea that this girl existed or anything until i confronted him about the fact they were "seen together." that's the part that sucks, is knowing that there is a level of secrecy here... if it was all out in the open and i knew her i wouldn't care at all.
i'm tempted to contact this girl, but don't know that it would solve anything, because if i can't trust the man i was planning to marry, why would i trust her?
counseling is a n option for me personally, he has said in the past that he's not comfortable talking about his feelings/our relationship with someone else...
i just can't understand why a man would buy you a beautiful ring, get down on one knee and tell the whole world he wants to marry you if he can't go 3 months without "seeing what else is out there."
:(
i think I'm in the minority, but i think you need to work on trust. I have a BIG problem with checking his myspace/facebook/email accounts. That's a huge red flag for me.
I used to work in a very close-knit office. we worked together, played together, and often sent each other text messages, emails and phone calls that were completely un-work-related. I don't know your FI, but in my case, we were all friends. End of story.
I don't know if your FI has other female friends, so I don't know if him having a female friend is out of the norm.
I do believe in trusting your gut and insticts, but I believe in being open and honest more.
the facebook/myspace/checking and snooping was the result of being told my fiance was "seen with another woman" while he said he was "at the post office."
i think that would make anyone develop trust issues, whether they were there already or not. i've never felt the need to check up on him or anyone else in the past... unfortunately this was different.
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I agree with Rosychicklet & Bellenga. It seems that you are being open with him in discussing the situation but I would seriously consider some pre-marraige counseling. Also, if I were you, I would NOT contact the girl, this is something between you & your FI that you need to work out, I don't think involving her is going to help anything.
As somebody who ended her prior marriage because of infidelity (my xh cheated), I think this should be seriously discussed and firm boundaries set into place before any more planning resumes.
What is known about affairs and I learned this after my own experience, is that it ALWAYS begins as harmless flirting and some begin as friendships. What is to be worried about is his LYING about not seeing or talking to her because with a real friend situation (and I have many guy friends too) there's no limits between us and T (my guy) knows them and they know him and there's mutual respect. I tell T if I talk or email my guy friends and if a call comes in from one of them and he's nearby, sometimes he even says hi to them on the phone. NO sneaking around and no lying. When somebody lies about contact with somebody else, there is an underlying reason. He doesn't want to let you know about the contact plain and simple.
Quite possibly nothing did happen, but I feel it could be indicative of some inappropriate feelings or tension between them or else he wouldn't cover it up or put this coworker's needs and feelings above yours.
It's the covert contact that bothers me. Even if he didn't touch her, he COVERED it up. All this stuff begins innocently...until the line is blurred.
I'm not making light of the situation, but I feel like talking to him accomplishes way more than snooping. Even if the emails and messages are harmless, all it did was add fuel to the fire. Lying and covering things up are unacceptable, I agree.
Asking him where he was (was he actually "at the post office" when he was "seen with another woman"?) accomlishes more than trying to read between the lines.
catrella83, i definitely see where you're coming from and appreciate your response to the situation.
on top of feeling betrayed and sad with his actions, i'm now also ashamed of my own for snooping... but i wish he'd just never given me reason to even think of it.
i know that people "cover things up" when they're doing something wrong and i also know that people sometimes cover up the things they do that they are afraid might disappoint someone they love.
i hope that his reason for covering this up were to spare my feelings and that now that we've spoken about it i hope he understands what is and isn't appropriate behavior and that he doesn't need to lie to me if he chats up a female co-worker after work.
i think flirting is normal and okay, as long as it's spontaneous, these two took it to the next level and it became an active choice to stay in touch with eachother.
clw, something you said bothers me, in a "if she were my best friend, I'd say something" kind of way.
"i know that people "cover things up" when they're doing something wrong and i also know that people sometimes cover up the things they do that they are afraid might disappoint someone they love.
i hope that his reason for covering this up were to spare my feelings and that now that we've spoken about it i hope he understands what is and isn't appropriate behavior and that he doesn't need to lie to me if he chats up a female co-worker after work. "
How is this sparing your feelings? By telling you he was going to the post office and really going to hang out with another girl, he's "protecting" you? By covering up his communications with another girl who he may or may not be having an inappropriate relationship, he's "protecting" you?
I didn't mean to make you feel bad about snooping, but I do feel like the feeling of needing to do that is a sign that something...just ain't right.
I'm sorry clw26. It really sucks that you are having to go through this. The unfortunate thing is that rebuilding the trust that is lost in these situations is SO hard to do. Even if your FI is resistant to therapy I think you should try your hardest to change his mind. Once you start to question him it's hard to ever stop. It's a slippery slope!
My heart goes out to you, clw. You are in a horrible situation. If it makes you feel any better, you seem like someone who really has her head on her shoulders and is trying to figure out the right thing to do. If I were you, and this were my fiancee, I would have serious doubts about marrying him. I know that must be so hard to hear, but I'm trying to give my honest opinion. First of all, him being this close to this woman is inappropriate, plain and simple. There is room for opposite sex friendships in marriage, but I don't think it's appropriate to have opposite sex friends who one is constantly in contact with, as if you're in a relationship. Second, your fiancee lied to you. As ballenga noted, this shows that he knows there's something inappropriate going on, and he is attempting to cover it up. But to me, the worst thing about it, the straw that breaks the camel's back, is that he CONTINUED to keep in close contact with this girl even after you expressed your concern and feelings about the situation. In other words: After he knew you were worried and hurt, he didn't cut off contact with the girl or even scale it back in order to respect you and give you comfort. Rather, he kept doing the thing that worried and hurt you.
I think that his behavior should throw up some pretty big red flags for you.
I really feel for you and hope that everything turns out for the best....
Note: It's hard to know how you'll act unless you're actually placed in the situation.
I snooped too. And I'm damn glad I did! It wasn't the perfect thing to do, but it gave me knowledge I didn't have before and since my x wasn't honest, I appreciated knowing the real truth. If not, I would have never found out.
There's no wrongs or rights in a situation like this. Just positively dealing with it is most important and we're here to support each other.
I agree with Ballenga. I don't snoop now because my husband has never given me cause for concern. But I would if he did, and I would think it was fair if he did too.
again, thank you everyone with your responses, hearing from people on this site who may have dealt with similar things is comforting.
and i agree chicagowife, those are the very things that bother me about the situation. it's not the "flirting" at all, but the lies and covering it up.
at the very least, he acknowledges that this was inappropriate and seems very remorseful. we spent some time apart and i decided to put wedding planning on hold while we see if we can get past this.
he most recently explained that this experience showed him how much i mean to him and how crazy he would be to let me go over something so "meaningless and pointless" as an office flirtation.
i don't think we'll never be faced with temptation because we get married, but i think that how we DEAL with that temptation determines if we're capable of being in a healthy relationship.
i just hope that this was a mistake and not a trend. his former behavior didn't point to this sort of thing AT ALL and that's why i am so shocked and willing to forgive, but to also keep a close eye on how things progress and to slow things down a bit.
Good luck clw -- you really seem like you are handling this SO well, and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Again, I really hope it turns out for the best and I'm glad we could help in whatever small way!
A lot of great things have been posted already, so I won't repeat. I also want to add that it concerns me that his response to your telling him something makes you uncomfortable is to continue doing it and covering it up. It can be very difficult to tell if a relationship between coworkers is inappropriate, but it's not difficult to know that his behavior is hurting you.
Early in our relationship, my FI and I both had somewhat similar situations. Both of us had ex-es that were very good friends of ours (no risk of cheating), but for various reasons made the other uncomfortable. For neither of us was this a complete ban on friendships with ex-es, both of us still have friends we once dated, but it was the particular situation. While there honestly was no risk of anything further happening, we have both since then distances ourselves from those friendships. It just wasn't worth the pain it caused the other person or the stress it put on our relationship.
It would be nice to imagine that one can have no faults and always be perfectly trusting, but I think we are all susceptible to jealousy. And considering there isn't a lot at stake here (e.g. a childhood friendship), it's hard to understand why your FH would want to continue a behavior that makes you uncomfortable. I think it's important to understand that regardless of whether it is wearing orange socks or texting a female co-worker. He may have a deep reason for it (a past relationship where the woman took over all his social reactions), or he may have none. But regardless, he's continuing to do something that hurts you and it should not be allowed to fester.
Good luck with this! I can't imagine how painful and stressful this must be at this time. I hope you are able to work everything out and find some resoultion.
I agree with you Bellanga. I was only in one serious relationship before the FI, which ended a couple months before FI and I ran into each other again. A little background - I did drugs and drank way too much in high school, and started dating the ex right before I graduated. In order to be together, he asked me to give up smoking cigarettes and doing drugs. I asked him to give up smoking pot (that's all he did) and we agreed that we wouldn't drink eithout each other (don't you love teenage relationships?). Everything was going fine until he started spending an unusual amount of time with his bf and his gf. Come to find out, he was going over there and smoking behind my back for the last 2 years of our relationship. I was so blind I didn't even see it. Right around the same time, I started noticing his bf in chats the same time as me, the time the ex was sposed to be at his apartment. He had no idea the ex was sposed to be there, and guess what - he was there with his gf and another friend! The straw that broke the camel's back was one night he told me he had to work (as a computer programmer) over night on a Saturday night. I wanted to believe him, but something was telling me it wasn't right. So I went to his work and of course he wasn't there. I went to the apartment, saw his car but not the bf car. I called the bf who was at his parents and knew nothing about my ex being there. So I sat on the ex's car and called him to ask how work was going. he said fine but he was getting ready to go into the big room so he wouldn't have reception. I told him to look out the window and he asked what I was talking about. I called him every name in the book, then told him it was over cuz he was sneaking behind mine and his bf's backs!! What a scoundrel I tell you.
The whole reason for telling you this story is this - if you feel in your gut that something isn't right, chances are your right. In my case, I knew the truth and he lied to me and tried to deny it until I caught him in the act. I didn't get into too much detail, there was a lot more involved, but you get the idea. I still can't believe he lied to me for so long, and didn't think there was anything wrong with it. When everything went down, everyone we knew was shocked that he could do something like that. But we see who has been single ever since we broke up, and whos going to live happily ever after with the one I love the most.
Bottom line - while snooping isn't right, if you aren't getting the answers that satisfy you and your gut is telling you its not right, then go ahead and do a little detective work. It may save your life
Honestly....I feel he's brushing your concern off a little too easily.
If it's something that upsets you, he should stop doing it. End of story. I would honestly try to work on the relationship, because he's seeking additional female attention elsewhere...something is distracting him from you, and you both need to get to the bottom of it.
Maybe it's his insecurities, and he constantly needs female attention. Who knows? But that is not healthy, and shouldn't be going on in a strong relationship.
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Hey, clw26! This exact thing happened to me when my fiance and I first got engaged. I was totally devastated. He insisted this girl meant nothing to him (in fact, he said she was super annoying and dumb), but I caught him in a lie, hanging out with her (albeit in a group setting), when he specifically said she wasn't there.
I confronted him, and he basically told me that while it was now obvious that SHE had a crush on HIM, he didn't feel that way towards her. I ended up contacting her (I had met her before) to tell her that her behavior was inappropriate. Long story short, she agreed and stopped contacting him so much. It's possible that this work girl has a little crush of her own on your fiance, and he is merely responding to her overtures. I know that if a male co-worker I had no interest in sent me text messages like, "Hey! You looked nice today," or "'The Dark Knight' sure was awesome!", I would feel like a jerk if I straight up ignored him. i would probably send back a polite, "Thanks. You too," or, "Yeah! Loved the Joker!".
I think you need to figure out if the girl is the one instigating the contact, or if it's your fiance doing the instigating. If it's him, that's totally inappropriate and he needs to stop right now. If it's her, he needs to have a little chat with her to say, "This may be awkward, but I'm just not comfortable sending texts and e-mails to other girls when I have a fiance whom I love very much." That should put a stop to it (unless this girl is one of the hated he-has-agirlfriend-so-that-only-makes-me-try-harder girls).
Also....I don't see any harm in "checking up" on him once in a while...as long as it's not a crazy habit. If there's nothing to hide, then there shouldn't be a problem.
The biggest thing that stuck out to me is that AFTER you confronted him and WHILE you were supposedly taking some time apart to think, he CONTINUED doing it! (Seriously, am I reading that right?) I mean, honestly, what is THAT about?
Trust is essential for a relationship, but you can only trust people who are trustworthy.
I am old fashioned but I think opposite-sex work friendships can be a major danger zone. Even if your fiance says he is not interested, what happens if this girl really is interested and she persists and persists? We are only human and temptation can sometimes get the better of us especially after years of marriage .
I know my husband does not care (he is SO not jealous), but when someone at work flirts with me, I deflect it and often I tell him about it. I would not want him to see some chat from some clueless guy at work and get the wrong idea. I would want my husband to do the same. When in doubt, excessive transparency is the way to go.
i'm taking all of these comments to heart and a lot of what is being said are things i've considered.
yes, you're right, he did continue the conversations with her after we discussed it. however, he did that on a different level (no longer online... but in person and with what he calls "an occasional text message" because he didn't want to be "rude" to her and ignore messages that were merely on a friend level). (Still thinking on that one....).
and LOFI, he's actually said that he feels she may have developed a little crush on him and that he doesn't want to make a huge deal out of it that might make working together uncomfortable...
he actually just called me a little while ago to ask how i would feel about him having a chat with her after work tonight to "set the record straight" by explaining that working on our relationship is his top priority and that he doesn't think their continued flirtation is appropriate.
from here, i want to believe him, and as this isn't a "pattern" i think seeing what happens after this "chat" will be telling. if they have this chat and things return to normal and the frequent text messaging/whatever ceases then i may have some peace... but if their friendship continues to develop in a way that is at all secretive, i know i'll have a lot more to consider.
I don't think that's ok (his friendship with her outside of work). My fiance's coworker was inviting him to lunch and dinner, and I let him know, if she wants to hang out, we can do it double-dating or something. There just is no reason to develop a relationship outside of work, and clearly they have. And he probably wouldn't do anything to you, but that's not to say that she wouldn't put the moves on him...
I'm not a fan of this "friendship."
Having a talk with her is good..provided maybe you hear the talk? I think your feelings are top priority now and he needs to protect both your relationship, your feelings, and your fidelity and SHOW you firsthand how he's doing that. One way is to maybe call her..and you listen to it.
That's what I would demand anyway. You will never know or be able to her "her" side of things and her reaction unless this happens.
OOooo be careful! And I am so sorry this has happened to you. My heart goes out to you. At least you are not being naive about this, though, and going "oh it's no big deal, la la la". Because it bothers you now, who's to say it won't escalate or become a recurring issue? The conversations seem a little "too" friendly, but not quite into that cheating range yet, but if you feel the need to check his emails and spy on him (and believe me, I'd do it too if I felt something was up!), then obviously your gut instinct was SPOT ON. It definitely does not sound OK to me and I would certainly be upset with this sort of inappropriate flirty behavior. Even if his comments are a cover up, at least he is going to talk to her and you got it into his head that this is not OK. Better than him being defensive and constantly claiming nothing is going on. I wish you luck. With some open communication, hopefully this passes and you can continue planning your wedding once you feel you have conquered this. Wait and see, but don't let him out of the doghouse yet! ha. You have to be 100% sure that nothing is going on, and if that is the case, you shouldn't hold it over his head in the future. Good luck!!!
I'm sorry but it seems as if he is already cheating emotionally. My stomach dropped as soon as I read your post. If that were my FI I don't know what I would do. I'm so sorry, hunny.
I ended my first engagement over finding things out which were being kept from me. I did snoop on email because I felt like I wasn't getting all the information. It probably wasn't the best thing to do, but looking back, was the smartest. Now, this is not to say your fiance is doing things to the extent my ex was (god i hope not..but that's another post for another day!)
I think the most important thing is to be completely upfront with him and let him know this bothers you. I would try to be as calm as possible and not jump to conclusions (i think if he feels like he is being accused, he may not respond as well) However, you still need to be firm in getting your feelings across to him that you are bothered. I do agree with other posts saying to confront/talk to the other girl. Chances are, once you talk to her (whether she had innocent or devious intentions) she'll back off. I think most women would...at least I wouldn't want to take on a bride-to-be!
Listen to your heart, but follow your head. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. I wish you the best in your situation..
When I read your first post I wondered if you were trying to find a way around what he was doing. (It's human nature. You want to find a reason to explain that what you are feeling isn't the reality. There's a reasonable explanation.) But I see from other posts that you are sounding rational and level headed. I applaud that. I think you will find the best answer for yourself. Lots of good adivce here. Not much more for me to add.
And I think we all will be interested in knowing how you're doing. Good luck.
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clw26 I'm sort of having the same issue as your FI. I am (and have been) in contact with someone I met through work. Read my post: "I messed up! BIG TIME" and you can get the story. I have gotten a lot of harsh remarks on my story, and I have gotten some good remarks on it. I read through some of the responses here and I wish the others on my post would've told me stuff like this. I didn't get the "trust your gut" but I did get "counselling". I don't really want to air out our problems with a total stranger, but if it helps our relationship, I'll try it.
I hope my post will help you. Good luck!
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i'm in a state of total shock and panic. my fiance (he proposed in november) has been in contact with a female from his job for the last few weeks.
he seemed somewhat distant but nothing too strange, and then i heard he was seen chatting up a girl in his car after work when he told me he was "at the post office."
i confronted him and he said she was just a girl he works with and that their conversation/friendship went no further than hanging out for a minute after work to discuss "work stuff."
i have all of his email/myspace/facebook passwords and decided to calm my nerves by checking to make sure he wasn't in contact with anyone inapprorpiately (i shouldn't have snooped, NEVER done that before).
i found numerous messages between he and the girl spanning the length of the weekend in which they were seen together. the messages were flirtatious but not overly sexual "you looked nice today" "so did yo...ooops!" sort of thing.
i told him i checked it, he assured me that it was nothing and that he was sorry if the harmless flirtation went to far but that she was "just a young girl he works with" and that he doesn't have many people there to chat with.
i forgave him after spending 3 nights alone and we're trying to work on things.
but i just found out that they have still been in contact daily, sending numerous text messages to one another and i am freaking out.
please advise.
what would you do if you were in this SAME position with your fiance or with your husband before you were married?
i want to believe that they are just friends, but the frequency of their exchanges tells me there is something more.
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