Post # 1
i’m in a state of total shock and panic. my fiance (he proposed in november) has been in contact with a female from his job for the last few weeks.
he seemed somewhat distant but nothing too strange, and then i heard he was seen chatting up a girl in his car after work when he told me he was "at the post office."
i confronted him and he said she was just a girl he works with and that their conversation/friendship went no further than hanging out for a minute after work to discuss "work stuff."
i have all of his email/myspace/facebook passwords and decided to calm my nerves by checking to make sure he wasn’t in contact with anyone inapprorpiately (i shouldn’t have snooped, NEVER done that before).
i found numerous messages between he and the girl spanning the length of the weekend in which they were seen together. the messages were flirtatious but not overly sexual "you looked nice today" "so did yo…ooops!" sort of thing.
i told him i checked it, he assured me that it was nothing and that he was sorry if the harmless flirtation went to far but that she was "just a young girl he works with" and that he doesn’t have many people there to chat with.
i forgave him after spending 3 nights alone and we’re trying to work on things.
but i just found out that they have still been in contact daily, sending numerous text messages to one another and i am freaking out.
what would you do if you were in this SAME position with your fiance or with your husband before you were married?
i want to believe that they are just friends, but the frequency of their exchanges tells me there is something more.
Post # 3
You need to speak to your fiance and get it all settled. This is upsetting you and you need some kind of resolution. Whether he restricts his friendship to work only or stops the friendship completely. You need to communicate your needs and allow him to explain why this friendship has become important enough for him to communicate so much with her. Then you need to compromise and find a solution that works for both of you.
This situation is rough. I hope you can resolve it.
Post # 4
I see two issues here. You don’t trust him, and have accessed his private accounts online, and he’s also not been truthful with you about his whereabouts.
My opinion is to find a pro-marriage counselor and work on this before taking your vows of forever.
I can’t tell you what to do, just follow both your heart AND mind and listen to the professional and listen to your FI. I’m a huge fan of Dr. Willard and Steve harley, of Marriage Builders and they have wonderful books about affair-proofing a marriage. But if there’s a real and significant tendency towards infidelity on either part (either the groom or bride) BEFORE the marriage, with little sign of remorse for their actions, I might seriously reconsider marrying my FI.
Again, we don’t know what has happened prior to this in your r, but if there is a pattern that exists, you have to address that issue.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. And I would probably feel the exact same way if my fiance was acting distant and had been exchanging text messages with a coworker.
I would sit down and have a discussion with your fiance and explain to him how you are feeling. How his interaction with this woman is making you feel. If you continue to feel uncomfortable about it, I would ask him if he would minimize his contact with her.
It sounds to me as if this communication has grown beyond just everyday office chatting to more personal means of communication facebook, personal email and texting.
Do you have any reason to suspect there’s something going on? Has he cheated in the past? How would you feel if this same kind of communication was with a male coworker.
Best of luck, sweetie. Hang in there and stay strong!
Post # 6
I’m a big fan of ‘trust your gut." If you have a gut feeling that something is going on, chances are, you’re right.
If I were in your position, I would immediately stop making wedding plans until it was resolved.
I think that male/female friendships are possible,- and I would never tolerate being forbidden from seeing someone, but I know that if my husband expressed discomfort over a friendship, I would take steps to rectify it (stop seeing that person one-on-one, communicate only by Facebook Wall posts so that everything was transparent, etc.).
I would be very upset by the behavior and actions you’ve described. It’s one thing for my husband to make a flirty comment in me presence, when I can be sure that the tone and body language convey a harmless interaction. It’s a whole other ball of wax for there to be numerous Facebook messages, texts, etc. that were kept private from you.
And what business does your husband have befriending a "young girl?" He better also watch that this doesn’t turn into an office scandal or sexual harassment claim.
You can’t have a marriage if you don’t have trust. You can’t spend the rest of your life playing private detective to make sure he’s faithful.
Counseling may help- the counselor may offer ways that he can bolster your trust in him and repair the rift.
Bottom line- I wouldn’t be planning a wedding to a man I didn’t trust. I’d halt all the planning until I was sure we had worked it out.
Sorry you’re dealing with this. Good luck.
Post # 7
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I’d go talk to the girl. If you have his passwords then you have access to her account, too. Email or message her and ask what is going on. She might be more help than your FI. She has no emotional connection to you so she can be completely honest (whether good or bad.) If talking to your FI doesn’t work, this might be your best option.
Post # 8
some extra info…
this is the first time something like this has happened to us. our relationship was as close to "perfect" as possible with just normal bumps along the road.
to my knowledge he has never cheated on me or any other girlfriends in the past and seems to have a high moral standard for this (he was cheated on once before and immediately left the girl saying it "changed everything" between them.
i explained to him that i have no problem with him having friends who are female, but that they should not impact our lives, if they chat at work that’s fine, but when they are in contact out of work and frequently when i’m not around then that is something i’m uncomfortable with. he seemed to understand, but i know he has not stopped the out-of-office contact with her.
other signs do not point to this going beyond what i am fully aware of, i have no reason to believe things have gotten physical… (yet) between them, but i feel as though my feelings should matter more than an "office friend" and if they are continuing contact when he knows it upsets me i feel betrayed and shocked.
if it were a male coworker, i would feel differently. perhaps that isn’t fair, but i can’t see him sending numerous messages to someone in the evenings or during the day on the weekend. he has friends who are males and they frequently hang out, but this seems like a "courtship" rather than a friendship.
the exchanges seem to be about "movies" and what they did that day, etc. but i don’t understand WHY they would feel the need to stay in contact afterwork if they weren’t interested in one another in some capacity.
(and i have stopped wedding planning for now, luckily we weren’t too far along yet so that hasn’t been hard to do).
Post # 9
Stick to your gut as Rosychiclet says and stop planning the wedding and get to work on resolving this. I wouldn’t necessarily speak to the girl as EAQ said, because she has no reason to be truthful to you either and who knows what her motives are. Speak with your SO, get counseling if you need it and just try to figure it out with both your heart and brain.
Post # 10
I second Rosy and Bellanga.
This is probably not what you want to hear, but I think the relationship / "flirting" is completely inappropriate and he is disrespecting you and setting himself up to cheat, either physically or emotionally (or both).
What does this mean? Probably not that he has cheated. I think it is the proverbial cold feet. But not in the sense that he does not want to marry you. He is probably just having thoughts about "what else is out there." Have you talked about these potential feelings with him? Is he dismissive of your feelings? Does he agree the relationship is inappropriate.
Bottom line is the relationship between your guy and this chick has got to end. Now. The problem is, now that you know about the relationship you will probably not be able to trust him that nothing is going on and will be tempted to "snoop." My suggestion? Unless he is completely contrite and understands all of your points and swears off this girl/flirting with her, talk to a counselor.
Also ask him to change all of his internet passwords so you are not tempted to snoop. IMHO, if you can’t trust him to not flirt over email, you are not going to be able to make it in your marriage.
And GOOD LUCK!
Post # 11
My FI has several girl friends, whom I’ve met and hung out several times with. I am fine with those relationships. He also has one girl "friend" that I know about but have never met. Same situation as yours, they met at work and were in contact here and there. Although I believe and trust that nothing went beyond friendship, I still felt uncomfortable because I have never met her. I let him know at what levels I would be comfortable/uncomfortable with their friendship like if he discussed intimate details of his and my relationship, flirting, hiding the fact that they are in contact etc. Basically, anything that seems shady. He’s aware and as far as I know contact between them has diminished/ doesn’t go beyond what I’m comfortable with. Basically, I think if you’re not comfortable with your FI’s relationship with this women and you have legitimate reasons to feel that way he needs to respect that and either cut off all communication, or arrange a time for you to meet her and see for yourself their true relationship. You both need to establish levels of comfort and boundaries.
Post # 12
When we were planning our wedding, my husband had just started a new job, which meant getting to know his coworkers (some of which were young girls)…and now he’s great friends with his coworkers…so I get the whole dynamic of getting to know your coworkers…but I have to be honest and say that I think the MULTIPLE DAILY emails, facebook, IMing and texting is too much.
Most of my coworkers are men and so my closest friend at the office is a guy (who I grab lunch with, go to happy hour with, and talk/email with during the day) but I do NOT send multiple text messages, emails, and facebook messages in the evenings and on the weekends…especially about how he was looking that day…if they looked nice you would just say it to their face like you would any other friend…that sounds more like flirting behavior. Maybe I’m super sensitive, but it’s weird to me and I think you should follow your gut and work through this (don’t let it go).
Post # 13
thank you everyone for your comments and support. it’s hard to discuss this with my female friends, as many of them aren’t married or even in serious relationships.
we’ve discussed the idea that it’s cold feet and even that we’re both still alive and may ponder "what else is out there." he swears that he still wants to marry me and that she means "nothing" to him but i’m just so sad about it all. i went from feeling like i was more than enough for him to feeling like he’s already looking elsewhere and we’re not even married yet.
i know about his other girl-friends from work and i’ve met nearly all of them. i had no idea that this girl existed or anything until i confronted him about the fact they were "seen together." that’s the part that sucks, is knowing that there is a level of secrecy here… if it was all out in the open and i knew her i wouldn’t care at all.
i’m tempted to contact this girl, but don’t know that it would solve anything, because if i can’t trust the man i was planning to marry, why would i trust her?
counseling is a n option for me personally, he has said in the past that he’s not comfortable talking about his feelings/our relationship with someone else…
i just can’t understand why a man would buy you a beautiful ring, get down on one knee and tell the whole world he wants to marry you if he can’t go 3 months without "seeing what else is out there."
Post # 14
i think I’m in the minority, but i think you need to work on trust. I have a BIG problem with checking his myspace/facebook/email accounts. That’s a huge red flag for me.
I used to work in a very close-knit office. we worked together, played together, and often sent each other text messages, emails and phone calls that were completely un-work-related. I don’t know your FI, but in my case, we were all friends. End of story.
I don’t know if your FI has other female friends, so I don’t know if him having a female friend is out of the norm.
I do believe in trusting your gut and insticts, but I believe in being open and honest more.
Post # 15
the facebook/myspace/checking and snooping was the result of being told my fiance was "seen with another woman" while he said he was "at the post office."
i think that would make anyone develop trust issues, whether they were there already or not. i’ve never felt the need to check up on him or anyone else in the past… unfortunately this was different.
Post # 16
I agree with Rosychicklet & Bellenga. It seems that you are being open with him in discussing the situation but I would seriously consider some pre-marraige counseling. Also, if I were you, I would NOT contact the girl, this is something between you & your FI that you need to work out, I don’t think involving her is going to help anything.