Fiance had surgery. Am I being selfish? {Long}

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Waitingbee57:  You’re not being selfish but I can also see his point of view.  Why not stay with mom and be spoiled and fawned over for two weeks?  If he comes home to you and your baby then he has to face up to his responsibilities and I would think he may feel a little guilty or even upset that all of his medical issues/surgeries are affecting his ability to be a husband and father (and dare I say, provider for his family.)  Getting to pretend he’s a kid beingtaken care of by mom again is probably easing some of his stress.

Give him a few days and then put your foot down and tell him to come home.


Post # 5
42089 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Waitingbee57:  Lesson learned. In the future, the two of you shouldn’t make assumptions.

Talk about these things ahead of time so there willl be no surprises.

Post # 6
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Mama’s boys, are, well, Mama’s boys. If I had a choice between staying with my mother and seeing my child, I’d be with my kid. IMO, he is being selfish depriving his child of a father because he’d rather be taken care of by his Mommy. Seriously, grow up and be a Dad!!! Is that harsh?

Post # 7
1715 posts
Bumble bee

That’s a tough situation. I don’t think you’re selfish for feeling the way you do, but I think I understand where he’s coming from. He’s had a lot of surgeries, so I’m guessing he’s gotten used to how his mother and family take care of him while he’s recovering.

Are you sure this is just a glorified knee surgery for him? Sometimes, a fairly simple surgery for most people isn’t so simple for others. 

As for how I would feel, well, I can’t quite tell based on what you’ve written. I may be disappointed, though; I could see that. 

Anyway, I’m sorry you didn’t get to have him home like you wanted. Hopefully this can be worked out so that you won’t have to deal with this situation in the future, should it arise. 


Edit: Ah, just saw your update. What you and he decided seems reasonable and workable. 




Post # 8
6948 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Waitingbee57:  I think @beachbride1216 hit the nail on the head. It’s hard for some people (men especially) to deal with the mixed emotions of wanting to be able to care for their families but not being in a position to do so. Hiding at mom’s and letting her take care of him when he has no responsibility probably feels way more comfortable. 

You guys definitely need to work on your communication. If you talked about him only being at his mom’s for a day and he decided on his own to stay longer, he should have discussed it with you instead of just decreeing it. 

For the record, I would be REALLY sad if my SO didn’t want to recover at home with me, too. But when my sister was released from the hospital after a coma I expected her to come to my dad’s house (I was living there, too, at the time) rather than to her apartment with her boyfriend. Sometimes it’s hard for the family to let go, especially when a loved one is ill. They just go back into the normal routine. His mom figures she’s been the one caring for him after every other surgery- why not this one?

Post # 9
931 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think you are being selfish but i don’t blame you. I would have reacted the same way. You are probably more emotional about it because you feel for your son.

How about you give him 2 days at his Mum’s (till the weekend) and then ask him again if he wants to come home. He probably will.

Post # 10
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Waitingbee57:  I think I would kill my DH if he tried that. You don’t just abandon your KID and your wife to get “mommied” for a week or two!

Post # 11
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

can you all stay at his mom’s place for a few days? that way you can go to work if it’s only 25 minutes away and your son can stay with his dad during the day too?

Post # 12
24457 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Having been on the other side I can kind of understand it.  When I had surgery back in CO, I stayed with my MIL because she was home all day and helped me to get around.  Now I don’t have kids but if I was at home, I would have felt bad about not doing things or taking care of our cat and it was nice to have someone take care of me.

Post # 13
61 posts
Worker bee

@Waitingbee57:  I wouldn’t say you’re being selfish, and I can see why that hurt, but I think maybe you’re missing some of his perspective here. Have you ever had a general anaesthetic?

It’s exhausting.

I mean really exhausting.

“Just a glorified knee-surgery” is a really unfair thing to say. Any orthopedic surgery is excruciatingly painful, and any surgery that limits your mobility renders you entirely dependent on someone else for an indefinite period of time. And regardless of what kind of surgery it is, a general anaesthetic is still a general anaesthetic. It just rolls right over you like a tank, every time.

So I can completely understand why he wouldn’t want to go back to his mom’s, then go to your place, then have you drive him to and from his mom’s for a couple of days. Every one of those car trips means someone has to help him get out to the car, and then he has to endure the car ride (every little bump is magnified when you’re post-op) and then get him back inside, and by the end of that, he’d just be completely shattered.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but the guy has just had surgery. It’s always a big deal. And maybe this has triggered his mom’s overprotective impulses (fair enough), but more likely, he’s just exhausted.

I think you can afford to cut him a little slack.

Post # 14
3230 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

I can see it from both sides. You said the two of you just recently moved out on your own, and I can see how it might feel more comforting to be at “home” (sometimes it takes a long time for a new place to feel like home). He knows he has responsibilities in the home he shares with you, including his son, and I can see how he might want to duck those things and get some rest for a while. I’d cut him a break this time and then discuss things thoroughly so that neither of you is surprised again if he has another surgery. You said that his mother was controlling, and she was left alone with him immediately after the surgery and when he was released; I wouldn’t have expected her to do anything other than talk him into staying. I wouldn’t necessarily call him a mama’s boy for agreeing (though he might be; this just isn’t enough to make that determination, IMO).

Post # 15
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@LoveBugBee:  +1. I couldn’t agree with that more. You have your own family and your wife and child come first. Cut the apron strings dude. Mom won’t be around forever and if you keep acting a fool neither will your wife. 

You are not selfish at all, OP. I’d feel the same. 

Post # 16
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

You are not being selfish at all here.  I totally understand you wanting to take care of your FI….This is YOUR role now.


Open heart surgery is a huge deal.  Does he cry often in front of you?  Do you think that he just needs a few days to let it all sink in and get it all out?  Is it possible that his mom is in his head and making him feel like he needs to be there with her and maybe it’s easier to make her happy instead of coming home to your family together…and then maybe mom said she’d move in with you all if he did this and he figured this was easier?

I’m sorry you are dealing with this.  As hard as it is…I don’t think you have much of a choice but to give into your FI’s wishes.  When he is feeling better (Even more so before you say your vows THROUGH SICKNESS AND HEALTH)…I’d let him know that he hurt your feelings and that it meant a lot to you to be his caretaker.  

Feel better and good luck.

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