Fiance has baby with another woman?!

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Not helpful but this would be a deal breaker for me. I’m assuming both of these children were unplanned? If so I could not be with a man that was so irresponsible with birth control. Once, ok, everybody has a slip up once in a while. Twice? That’s a pattern of bad decision making. 

 

Whwn will he take the test?

Post # 3
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Uh, I think your FI should properly wear condoms when he has sex. 

I also think you should stop being irrationally jelly of a baby.

Post # 4
Member
528 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Columbia, SC

ConfusedBee87:  If you love each other you will get through it. It is not the worst thing that could have happened. I would not freak out until you know for sure though. I am not sure how old the child is, assuming still young, but babu’s looks change a lot in the first year. 

Post # 5
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

If his having kids and you having to help raise them is a deal breaker for you, then tell him before the paternity test.  If you want to share a first girl or boy with a man, find one without kids. 

I’d be wondering when the next woman will pop out of the woodworks wanting to take your FI on the Maury show for a paternity test.  Doesn’t sound like he’s using common sense when it comes to birth control. 

Post # 6
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I don’t know if I could do it. FI has a son, but I didn’t meet him until a few years after he broke up with his ex. Everything was settled, and he had totally moved on. It’s definitely a lot of sudden, unexpected baggage to take on.

Post # 7
Member
6510 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

If I was only with someone for 8-9 months and found out he had a baby with someone else, I would likely end the relationship. 

Post # 8
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

The thing that would annoy me the most is that we would not be starting from scratch financially as a couple. If this child is his, he will be paying child support for two children, before you even have one together. 

Be clear, I think he absolutely must pay child support. I would not resent the child for that. I would resent the fact that he was so careless. I would  seriously think about a future with a man who already has a good chunk of his income going to two women for child support- money that could be used to provide for our family.

Post # 9
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

This would be a deal breaker for me. He needs to find out for sure if he’s the father and be more careful with birth control in the future. I’m a stepmom because my husband had a child with his ex wife. Totally different than a man who isn’t even sure of paternity. I love my stepson, but even under the easy circumstances that we have him, it can still be challenging to be with a man who has a child. I can’t imagine dealing with all the added drama of your situation. Be strong and once this is sorted out, you can decide if this really is something you can deal with long term. 

Post # 10
Member
2529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa

Post # 11
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

The kids wouldn’t bother me – that fact that he is accidentally got two women pregnant would!  To me, that would indicate that he is irresponsible and takes unnecessary risks.  Seriously, condoms and birth control.  It’s not that hard.  

Post # 12
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I wouldn’t find it hard to accept my partner’s children, but I do find it odd that he has two unplanned children with two exes that he knows of… it would make me wonder how many other unexpected surprises are going to come out of the woodwork. How old is this guy? How many women has he had unprotected sex with? How many other kids could be out there?

I wouldn’t necessarily leave over this, but we would need to talk…

Post # 13
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

My concern- there are two sides to every story.

You said “He did tell me shortly into that his crazy ex is claiming that shes pregnant and that hes the dad. He did not believe her because the timing them dating did not add up.”

In the same sentence you say he mentioned she is crazy, he also said the timing of her pregnancy “claims” didn’t add up. Assuming the test is positive, science doesn’t really lie.

<br />how long before you become the “crazy ex”?

Post # 14
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

How do you accidentally get 2 women pregnant?? I get maybe one, but after that he should’ve been more responsible with condoms…I mean he should know there are ways to prevent pregnancy….

Post # 15
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

In short, I would likely walk away. He has 2 kids, one obviously will be very young. Is he very wealthy? Kids are expensive. You may have to pay his child support if he loses a job (if you don’t want him to go to jail). Did you ever consider that he may have proposed to keep you aroun despite this burden. Here is an example of what your life will be like.

I have a former co-worker who is in this situation. She is with a man who had 2 kids by the same crazy woman (why must the exes always be crazy?). Then the co-worker had a baby. This is the third in line (he already had both a son and daughter). They are squished in a 2 bdr apartment and have to share a car. They have the kids most weekends, and she has the responsibilities of a stepmom without the ring. Honestly, it would really suck, ring or no ring. He has a second job and planned to just leave all the kids with her. He is trying to escape through work in my opinion. They don’t have money to go on trips or go out. They go to Wal-Mart instead to buy food… Please, think very carefully and decide if you want to lead this kind of life. At a minimum, kids are around for 18 years, but many times more with this economy. This girl used to beg this man to be with her, now she says if she could do it all over again, she would not be with him. He has way too much baggage. He was unemployed for a while, too… Do not go forward with the wedding unless you are 100% sure this is what you want. Make sure you stay on some form of birth control as well. Good luck to you.

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