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girl please you are NOT being hard at all. he can't live off of daddy's handouts forever and the way i read this situation, he's being laaaaaaaazy. he needs to be working full time regardless of if he gets into law school! so what's stopping him from actively hunting now? you guys need to sit down and talk about this - maybe develop a budget so he can see how one sided your cash flows are and for what he needs to be responsible. i hope he steps up his game soon!
I really hate to comment on this post because I just know that it is one of those touchy subjects that gets people (particularly me) in trouble but here is my two cents.
Looking for a job is a job in and of itself. I am currently in this position as is fiance (although I have not been looking for long at all--so there is no comparison). I can understand how you must feel as you watch him lay around. I would also feel like he wasn't doing enough. I think it is a natural reaction in a stressful time like this.
That said, a man with two degrees (what were they in?) and master's work should be able to find a job SOMEWHERE after 3 years of looking. Somewhere. Anywhere. As I often tell fiance, when the day comes that we need the money I expect you to work at McDonalds if that is the only place you can find employment...and I would do the same to keep our family afloat. Perhaps he is just not looking at some jobs because he feels they are beneath him? It is hard to judge what's up since I don't know him or see what he's doing.
There is a difference though between taking a break after hours of looking at jobs and submitting 20-40 resumes and not looking but still lazing about. If he is searching for hours maybe a run is in need for stress relief.
Good luck and I hope in your situation it is the former.
He needs any job. Even if it is at McDonalds. If you wait for the job that you want you might never find work. Tell him to find anything!!! It is not you , him not working for that long would drive me crazy too!!
He is actively hunting and submitting his resume's online but what bugs me is that he never wants to pick up the phone and call. I don't know why he relies only on the internet. Then if I do complain, he says it'a an economic crisis and it has been affecting many people. He'll show me articles from the TIME magazine, Newsweeks..etc. I totally agree with you, he cannot live off his father forever, it's not right. I wish I knew of an employment agency for Nonprofit work in the bay area of California. I've searched and have not really found one. It's really beginning to frustrate me. I really hope he steps up his game really soon. He has this one friend that may be able to get him an interview for a potential job but we'll see. It's like when he gets one lead, he'll stop and depend on that one lead.
i tried to type something a number of times and each time came out pretty harsh
im sorry that you are having to deal with this - yes being with someone means taking care of the other when they need it and having ups and downs but three years.... no way, i would stack grocery shelves at night if i had to
to be honest i wouldnt be marrying him in August if the situation didnt change - goodluck
Yeah, he needs to just get a job. Any job. Maybe a job with good discounts/perks like Target, Home Depot, Lowes? Something that will help out in the mean time. Plus you never know who you'll meet at a new place/endeavor. There might be someone at his interim job who has connections to the next best thing! Lots and lots of people are in jobs that they don't love or that don't really pertain to degrees or goals. This isn't forever!! I own a shop that is connected to a high end ice cream shop. There's a girl in there who scoops ice cream while she finds her goal job in a very specific nursing career. It's not a bad thing!
@bellarain: I understand that situation with the calling thing. FI tries to do that to but what they aren't considering while complaining about the economic crisis is that hiring managers are looking for go-getters. This is a competative world right now and no one is going to sit there and call you---you have to call them and make sure they know that you are interested.
I would start riding his a$$. It won't be pleasant, he will probably try to call you out on being his mother, but I wouldn't give a crap. 3 years is a long time and I am willing to bet money (which I don't have) that the reason he hasn't had ANY jobs is because he isn't trying as hard as he possibly could be. McDonalds was recently hiring all over the country. If you are struggling financially, he should have been at the door raring to go.
I'm telling you, whether people say it's not your job or not----this is your life. He needs to realize he isn't the only one who has to live with his choices.
I agree with everyone else. We've been hit by the recession too, but 3 years is too long. Also, don't take this the wrong way, but he really shouldn't go to law school unless he legit wants to be a lawyer. I know SO MANY people who didn't know what to do, so they went to law school, racked up TONS of debt (Law school is really expensive) and then pretty much hate their life after. I also know a lot of lawyers who are unemployed or stuck in dead end jobs.
These are the situations I just don't understand. I've thankfully never been unemployed but I can guarantee that if I were, I would be taking just about anything that came my way. I know the job market is tough but places ARE hiring. Sure, retail, food service or entry level work may not be the most glamerous but it's a paycheck.
I'm sorry to say this but I agree with @eloping. I would personally not feel comfortable getting married under these circumstances.
my fiance was out of work too... he has a college degree and plenty of experience, but still could not find a job in his field. so you know what he did? he got a job a walmart... because ANY job is better than no job and a real man will do what it takes to support his family...even if that means working in a position that you believe is below yourself.
@rosworms: Couldn't agree more. That was kind of what I was trying to get at. And good for your fiance, I don't think enough people hold to this kind of standard--and they really should! =)
@rosworms: Couldn't agree more. I read a story about a successful CEO who had to resort to delivering pizzas after his company tanked. He needed to put food on the table somehow. After he couldn't find a job in his field he took whatever he could get. There's only so long that "can't find a job in the field" can be used as an excuse.
Has he ( or you, as a couple) considered looking for jobs elsewhere? From what I have heard, CA has been hit especially hard, and there are more hiring freezes and furloughs there than in many other states. As far as police officer work, I am pretty sure he could find openings all over the country if he tried, and if that is really his passion. And if he's intereested in law enforcement, he could also look into corrections (prison guards). Basically, if he isn't able or willing to find something where you are now, you'll have to consider moving.
When I was laid off from my first job out of college, I made a plan: for three months I looked for only jobs I wanted; for the next three months after that I looked for jobs I wanted and also applied to jobs I thought I could get, even if not in my industry. And if I hit a year of no luck, I would start examining the serious options: going back to school, moving, etc.
Okay, law school is EXTREMELY expensive, and the job market for lawyers right now is NOT good. He should not go to law school unless he can get into a REALLY good school, or if it has been his lifelong dream to be a lawyer and he knows he will apply himself and succeed.
That being said, he needs to get a job! He needs to follow up with companies he is applying with, not just submitting a resume and application online. Let me say it again: He needs to call and follow up.
Finding a job should be his full-time job right now. Seriously. He should be spending hours every day looking for a job. He should get his resume edited (my university allows alumni to come back and do this for free), he should attend chamber of commerce meetings and network with professionals in the area, he should be looking for jobs in a variety of places.
The longer he stays out of work, the less likely people are going to want to hire him-they're going to question why he was unemployed for so long. He needs to start doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING, now.
I just found two Job fairs for him to attend. I just told him, he has to be more aggressive because him being out of work this long has been ridiculous. He has been blogging online but receives no pay for it. It's written very well and has a ton of followers. He blogs about politics and human rights...etc. He also builds webpages but doesn't charge people..it's driving me crazy. However when my brother became ill and went into the hospital last year for being bipolar, he did fly out to New York and spent a month helping my parents out and assisting my brother while he was in the institution. I think that may have been mentally draining for him last Summer. He doesn't want to leave the state because of his Dad being older and his mom is deceased. He's an only child so he feels obligated to stay close to home. He also helps his dad manage a few properties. He truly is a good person but now it's getting to the wire. We have been blessed with not having any financial problems but I'm tired of the bare essentials, we both want more out of life. I know he could do so much more
In addition to the issues previous posters have raised about him not getting any paying job in the last few years, I also would recommend that your FI think very seriously about (and perhaps reconsider) law school. It is a huge expense and getting a job in the legal field right now is incredibly difficult, even for those who graduate from top tier law schools. I am an attorney working in a well-respected firm who graduated from a very good school who has now been looking for a job in another city (where I went to law school) for over a year... and I've gotten no where. My former professors are still telling me stories about lots of graduates who still don't have jobs lined up. I don't mean to preach or anything, but it sounds like FI is considering law school as a back up career to what he really wants to do, and I would not recommend that at all. Especially if he doesn't end up finding a full-time job to balance out his part-time school (since he hasn't been able to find such a position yet). Make sure he really researches his options and understands what he is getting into by attending law school.
It's not exactly an employment agency, but the bay area career center offers group (read: affordable) job counseling and related services.
http://www.bayareacareercenter.com/ws_jobsearch.html#jobsearch
Also, if he's got any health insurance, I'd try to get him to go to a therapist to work on getting the courage to initiate the personal contact (phone calls, etc) and networking that he needs to be doing to actually get a job.
Sorry - I know this is really hard. My husband was out of work for ten months last year, luckily he found a job just as his savings were running out, but it really took a toll on his self-esteem and on our relationship.
Oh, and a final thing: he should not go to law school unless he KNOWS he wants to be a lawyer, and can get into a top-30 school or better. It's massively expensive, and there is no guarantee that he'll have a job at the end that will pay enough to pay it back. The world is full of broke, unemployed lawyers right now. Most law schools that are good enough to risk taking out loans for will not let him attend part-time.
Oh and before his 3 year hiatus, he has worked diligently for most of his life since he was a teenager and right after college. He has worked in Africa for 5 years doing his nonprofit work but it got the best of him. He was drained from that line of work and wanted to do a different career. He also suffered from post traumatic distress after his mother died in 2003. She was died from a result of malpractice. He went through a yearlong law suit and had to also go back to his homeland (which is not the best place to be due to all the violence in the middle east) to take care of family matters. I''m not making any excuses..but these are also a few factors i take into consideration. I really do love him and want only the best for him.
Ok, I completed a post graduate program in June 2009 and since then have essentially been unemployed. However, I spent 4 months overseas doing and internship (unpaid), came back and job searched full time while still volunteering. When I realized that nothing was panning out I applied for any and every job. I ended up working retail for a few months while I decided where this would take me.
He needs to find a job, any job. Not only does he need to be making money but he needs to get his butt of out the house. An awful job will probably also push him to look for something better.
It's possible that he is willing to settle and has had no luck. A lot of the settling jobs won't hire people (or even call to interview) with too much experience or education because they figure they'll leave as soon as they find something better. When I was unemployed I started looking for jobs a step below my last job (assistant manager instead of manager in retail) and I didn't receive any calls until I changed my resume to not show managerial experience. And then when I did get interviews, once they found out my experience they were concerned that I would continue looking and loeave after they spent time and money training me. I don't know if that is what your fiance is encountering but I wanted to throw out that it's a possibility. This turned out to be longer than it was in my head, sorry!
Thank you bees for your really supportive and helpful advice. My main goal objective this month is to get him employed! or at least a couple interviews. I will keep everyone posted. This isn't easy, my dad has his own business and works 80 plus hours. I'm used to being around that type of household. My dad also did many odds and ends as well. I keep telling him if he does not work in California, I'm shipping us both back NY and he will work for my Dad while I find a work in my reinsurance industry which is pretty easy to attain in NYC
Oh and about the not calling to follow up? I also work in the non-profit world, and have been searching for a new job for about six months now in non-profit and government positions. I would say 90% of the job opportunities I run across and want to apply for clearly state "No calls will be accepted." So it may seem that he's being lazy, but unless it truly is a small business or firm, calling may be specifically and strongly discouraged.
Networking is honestly the best thing to do. Network through the people he builds web sites for--network through people who comment on his blog. (And speaking of that, is there any way to make that a career--working as a web administrator or something?) Network through his old boss (the one who laid him off rather than let him quit and seems to like him). Network through any friends or relatives who work in the area he is interested in.
And I understand the long list of reasons you listed for his long unemployment. But eventually push comes to shove, and there has to be a plan. If you can't support the both of you decently, and are relying on his dad's money to get by, then regardless of how he feels about his parents, you really may have to consider moving elsewhere. If he can't get a job, you will have to look seriously at other options, since the status quo is getting you nowhere. Your NY plan sounds like you have at least one backup plan, which is great!
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I don't know where to begin but here it goes. My Fiance had quit is dead end nonprofit job back in September 2008 due to my encouragement and others who wanted best for him. He chose to pursue a career in Police enforcement. throughout all of 2009 he took multiple police entrance exams while on unemployment (his previous employer agreed to lay him off since he was a close friend and good employee at the time so he could pursue his new career. During mid to late 2009, we found out all the Police agencies in the bay area of California were no longer hiring due to budget cuts and layoffs. It was really bad so he agreed to pursue a possible law career and look for other alternatives. He spent most of 2010 preparing for that while applying for jobs during the interim. However, he has had no luck receiving any interviews or call backs. Our state has been really bad since the economic crisis. But now he has not received unemployment officially for one straight year. He has been receiving money from his father to pay off a few credit card debt he had previously. We live in his condo in which is owned by him and all paid off. He also has been still helping with the bills from the money he receives from his father. I don't what to do at this point??? We are getting married in less than 3 months! I really hope he can get a job by some act of miracle. I really would love to begin a new life and not keep feeling like this. I don't understand it, he's really intelligent and has two bachelors degree and has a year of masters degree work. He applied to Law school but now we are waiting for his acceptance letters. He would attend part-time if he goes and work full time. I just get so frustrated coming home from work to see him on the couch or seeing him take his 5 mile runs. I feel that is all he does. It's really driving me crazy, am I being to hard by feeling this way.