Fiancé has female best friend

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Oh hell no.  I would not be ok with this.  He has to be understanding of you, first and foremost, and if you feel uncomortable with this then he needs to back off a little.

Post # 3
Member
2182 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

No, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have the expectations you do.

Personally, my husband and I are very private about the inner workings of our relationship so neither of us would appreciate private matters between just us being shared with friends. So, I don’t think it’s wrong for you to be opposed to him doing that with his friend female or male. That would be a breach for me with trust.

As for your daughter, that’s not okay either. However, you need to gain a backbone and step in to grab her back or not let her take her at all if she is handling her in a way you don’t like. You have that right as a parent. If confrontation is hard, try babywearing her so she can’t be grabbed.

The touching and sexual innuendos is inappropriate too. I wouldn’t be able to stay with a man that prioritized a friend over his spouse…again male or female. 

I have many male friends and I’ve lost some due to girlfriends that were threatened which is ultimately fine because that’s their relationship which should come first. I can’t imagine making a situation uncomfortable by groping or making sexual comments. Even if that’s their personality, she should be able to learn what is appropriate and scale back out of respect for you and him.

I would suggest counseling in hopes a professional can help get through to him what you can’t on your own. However, it should just be basic for him to have more consideration for your feelings. You aren’t  asking him not to have a female friend and what you are asking is hardly unacceptable. In the end, if he is hell bent to stay as things are, I wouldn’t be able to continue a marriage. A huge sit down is where this is heading. The lying is a no go and that especially needs to be addressed.

Post # 4
Member
611 posts
Busy bee

Nope nope nope. He definitely needs to set boundaries and make it clear it comes from him or both of you as a united front and not “my wife is making me distance myself from you.” I’m not going to lie I wouldn’t be okay with my DH having a female best friend. Female friend okay but best friend not really. However since they were already best friends before you got together she’s kind of grandfathered in. But that doesn’t mean they both don’t have to have respect for their SOs just because they have been friends for a long time

The lying sounds lIke the biggest problem. Lying is an absolute deal breaker for me and if I were you I would sit him down and explain all the lies you’ve caught him in, ask him why he feels the need to lie at all if their relationship is platonic, and that if you find another discrepancy you are leaving. If you don’t have trust you don’t have anything.

Post # 6
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

jenndubya :  This does sound a little too closer for comfort. Several years ago, I had a male best friend and we were very close. Talked almost everyday, went to lunch together frequently, etc., but it was always very platonic. When he started seeing someone, I made it a point to back off and set up a few more boundaries so I wouldn’t make her uncomfortable. We’re not as close as we were but we are still great friends. 

It doesn’t sound like she respects your relationship much. Best thing to do is to have an open and honest conversation about this with your FI, explaining the ways she makes you uncomfortable and ask him to establish some boundaries.

Post # 7
Member
2182 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Well, unfortunately, you aren’t going to get far without counseling if your ultimate goal is to try to improve this relationship.

If he goes to her with the counseling sessions then it just is more evidence for you about whether he can step up to the plate.

I would start counseling alone first. Have some sessions on your own and explain these concerns then bring him in at the counselor’s urging. You are not the first client they’ve had with a husband that overshares so they will have a game plan in place to address it between the two of you.

Post # 8
Member
708 posts
Busy bee

When there are boundaries that are respected I have no problem with female friends. DH has many, and I have male friends.  This, however, is definitely crossing a line. The lying is a huge red flag. Be firm with him and evaluate your relationship if he’s unwilling to change.

Post # 10
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

jenndubya :  Do you consider her a friend as well? If you do then just have a conversation with her about how she makes you uncomfortable if your husband doesn’t have the balls to do it himself.  Tell her you appreciate her friendship but it makes you uncomfortable when you guys share sexual jokes and when she asked to go up to his hotel room alone. Maybe she doesn’t mean anything by it or doesn’t realize she is doing this. Just put it out on the table. Yes, maybe she may feel uncomfortable around you guys for a while, but thats better than you feeling the way you do now. 

Post # 11
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Not sure if I missed it, but why did he lie about lunch? Everything you said about them sounds extremely shady. I would have a serious sit down conversation with him and set some boundries. If he’s unwilling I’d say it may be time to reevaluate your relationship. Even a long time best friend shouldn’t come before your future wife and mother of your child. With what you’ve shared you’re not being unreasonable at all with wanting things to change.

Post # 14
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

yeah i would nix that frendship quick. Part of me thinks shes either jealous of you, or does not care for you, which might explain why she constantly wants to be alone with your SO. I wouldnt give him an ultimatium, because you might not like his answer, depending on how close or long they have been friends. But i would definitely talk to him, regardless if he goes and tells her what you said.

Post # 15
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

jenndubya :  Just tell her how it makes you feel. Its probably better coming from you. Make sure to not “accuse” her of anything. But just tell her how XYZ made you uncomfortable and the only reason you are telling her is because you value her friendship. If she is a good friend she will understand and respect where you are coming from and make sure she doesn’t make you feel that way again. 

Leave a comment