Post # 1
Hi there! this is my first post here, after reading a few threads i decided I wanted in on some of this awesome advice!
I got engaged in March after being with my fiance for 7 years. We were just babies at 17 when we first got together so the length of time was necessary and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I originally didn’t want to have a wedding ceremony because I honestly only care about spending the rest of my life with my man and it seems to me that more often than not, weddings end up being a stressful money suck. I made this clear to him before and after our engagement but, after some thought, we decided that it wouldn’t be right to cheat our families or ourselves out of the celebration.
Now that we are officially having a ceremony, I have allowed myself to think about what I would like it to look like and have even chosen my bridesmaids already. I am not the girl who is going to plan every last little detail (nothing wrong with that, just not for me!) and I DO NOT want to be talking about the wedding for 12 months straight. I would like to enjoy our engagement and let the planning process be a joyful thing that my Fiance and I can share together.
That being said….
I’m having a hard time waiting to start planning. Even though I’m not going to obsess over every minute detail and we’re planning on it being a year from now, there are a few things I would like to establish right off the bat so we can use the next 12 months as wisely as possible. I have put some thought into a date and have shared my ideas with him about it, but he will not commit to anything and says “we have the whole winter to plan”. I told him right from the beginning that there were some things we needed to decide first and THEN we can relax about it and wait till winter, but at this point when I bring up anything wedding related I just end up feeling like I’m nagging him and that is the very last thing I want to do when it comes to this. The irrational girl part of me feels like his hesitation is stemming from him being nervous about getting married, but the sensible part of me knows that he is WAY more patient than me and just wants to wait till life slows down a bit to start planning (we both work extra in the summer).
I am also feeling some pressure from my family/friends/coworkers about setting a date, I swear I get asked that question almost every day (especially by my grandmas!) and it makes me feel like there is something wrong with the fact that we haven’t yet. I had similar issues with waiting to get engaged and I honestly feel like if I hadn’t been feeling the pressure from other people (why is it taking so long, are you EVER going to get married, blah blah blah) waiting would have been much easier. I KNEW we would get married someday, and I KNOW that we will eventually set a date and plan our special day together…but everyone else’s CONSTANT comments are making me feel insecure and I’m tired of “the look” I get when I tell people we haven’t set a date yet. It gives me the impression that not having a date set makes the engagement less legit to people. I’m stuck in this cycle of feeling really content with everything as-is and waiting patiently for my fiance to approach me about planning when he’s ready, and then starting to feel anxious and funneling those feelings towards my man which seems to completely turn him off from the entire thing.
Has anyone else had experiences with their fiances wanting to wait to start planning? How long were you engaged before you set a date? I’m not sensitive about constructive criticism so lay it on me thick!
Post # 2
Yeah, I would ignore everyone else’s comments! When are you thinking of getting married and is your FI on board with that timeline? I assume the main thing you want to take care of right now is the venue, and I’d agree with that! Once you find the venue you like they can tell you when they have openings and you can set a date. Then if he wants to wait on other decisions that’s fine, but at least you know when/where you are getting married. What if you suggested just doing that and then tell him you’re happy to wait until 6-8 months out for all the other decisions?
Something else you can do is show him one of those wedding planning timelines so he understands when certain things should be taken care of. I’ve also heard of some couples having a set time during the week to talk wedding. Maybe if you set that up it will help him see that you really don’t want to talk about it all the time! Good luck!
Post # 3
LibrarianBride: We’re pretty sure that we want it to be next May, and that was his idea not mine. We also actually have a venue picked out but I feel like I had to be kind of pushy about that to make it happen :-/ So maybe I just need to chill out! The wedding planning timeline is a great idea, that will at least show him that I’m not crazy for wanting some things decided a year out. Thanks for your advice!
Post # 4
Itsuptoblue: We have been planning for 14 months – I’m over it! We started pretty soon after getting engaged, but just doing small things here and there. Mostly we just talked about our ideas and researched. We are getting married in my hometown, so it’s somewhat destination. It took us awhile to get out there to look at venues, vendors, etc.
It took my FI awhile to get into it – I think because at 14 months out it doesn’t seem real yet. You haven’t had a bridal moment, you haven’t seen your venue yet, etc. Know what I mean? I assume it’s like that for guys also. Maybe it just seems so far away. In reality, depending on your area, you may already be behind! He really started getting into it when we started actually going out to research venues.
I thought wedding planning would take a lot of my attention. And honestly, it did sometimes. But it was here and there. We’d be really busy making decisions for awhile and then we’d do nothing for a few months. We’d be really busy going back and forth every weekend and then we would just have a few things to do we could do here. There are phases. I wanted to choose our bridal party right away because I wanted to make sure they had time to save for dresses/tuxes and for travel. And if they couldn’t come up with the funds, I wanted to know far enough ahead that we could help.
There are things you can do while you’re waiting on him! Do some preliminary reasearch, look at dresses and flowers, just get ideas of what you like! That will help you later when you are trying to explain your vision to him and to a planner if you have one.
Post # 5
Itsuptoblue: That’s great that you have your venue set. My FI has been pretty into it from the start, but there are some things he doesn’t need to be involved in (i.e., my dress, bridesmaids dresses, etc.), and some that he said he didn’t care about (i.e. flowers). Could you guys set a budget for those things and then he lets you take care of them on your own time without input from him? Then you can have some stuff taken care of sooner, and then tell him when you expect to have to deal with other vendors, etc. so he will be mentally prepared to help out later. You could say, I’ll handle xyz over the next few months so you don’t have to worry about it, but in January we will need to figure out abc. And if he really seems overwhelmed but wants to have a say in something, you can do the research and pick your top 2 or 3 to share with him and he helps to decide (that’s how we handled the flowers- I visited all the florists by myself then shared my top 3 quotes and explained the pros and cons of each. I was torn between 2 and he was able to help pick the winner).