Post # 1
Hi everyone, this is my first post, although I’ve been reading some topics here in recent weeks.
We had a very close, wonderful relationship and it was going well until his grandmother passed away unexpectedly. It’s so disheartening to be shut out when I want so badly to help him. I’ve been trying to give him space, so I rarely try not to bring up relationship matters.
Due to all that it has affected our relationship a little bit, last night I asked him to atleast share his feelings with me. It is so hard to be treated like I never existed and out of nowhere he told me to shut up and leave him alone. I did. I literally cried myself to bed last night. I want so much to be supportive and he seems to really need it, but he won’t let me in on what he’s feeling. At times he looks like he’s just forcing himself not to shed a tear.
I worry that if I give him too much space, I will simply just drop out of his life. But he just isn’t seems to be returning to his old routines. I feel like I am going crazy because none of this makes any sense. What makes it harder to understand and accept is that I know it probably really has nothing to do with me but just with his own emotional issues. I don’t know why he doesn’t miss our life together.
I talked to older sister about this and she said how can I know whether he’ll ever come around?. What does that even mean?
She said, maybe he is reconsidering your relationship and maybe I should bring up this subject to him myself?
Is there anything more I can do or should be doing differently?
Post # 2
How long is it since his grandmother passed? Everyone grieves differently. Have you seen him grieve before?
Post # 3
It’s been close to a month and half and we’ve only had sporadic conversations about his feelings since then.
This really has been the first time since I have seen him so depressed. Even his friends have raised their concerns about this.
Post # 4
Your sister’s maybe be right about what he is thinking. This is a life changing even and his thoughts may lead him to think that maybe you’re not the right person for him.
Sometimes you just have to take the initiative and if you get the feeling that he is thinking about going different ways. Then take the hint and break up with him first.
Post # 5
modestbee056 : some people just don’t like to talk about their feelings. However, thus is obviously affecting him much more than just not wanting to talk about it if he’s being distant in other ways too.
Has his sister tried to talk to him about it? Or a friend that he’s known since childhood?
I would suggest seeing if he was open to therapy but it sounds like he wouldn’t accept you suggesting it. But maybe you could go and get some professional advice on how to help him?
Post # 6
Sometimes people just need someone to sit with them in their sadness. Not literally sit but just be with them without trying to talk or make anything better. How long have y’all been together, and has anything else like this happened during your relationship? I guess I’m wondering if you have any point of comparison to know whether this is out of the ordinary or not. The other thing I’m wondering is if he’s neglecting your relationship as a whole or just not opening up to you about this.
Post # 7
We’ve been together for over 4 years now and this is the first time that I have seen him so angry most of the time. Obviously, at times I feel like he’s gonna take it out on me but thnkafully that does not happen.
I have on more than one occasion tried to talk to him about whatever he’s thinking but he just does not say much. I have not experienced this sort of shuout ever and it’s so frustrating. We had so much we were looking forward to. I can understand needing to put those things aside now, of course, but I can’t understand why grieving means that he has to treat me like I don’t even exist.
Post # 8
modestbee056 : Does he do other things with you, such as dates, spend time with you, talk about his day/ things other than his feelings?
I do NOT like discussing my feelings, particularly difficult ones. I’d rather just try to carry on as normal as possible. If every time I hung around someone they were always asking me about my feelings or asking me to open up, I would want to distance myself too.
However, I would not treat them badly in general. I may not have the same excitement/enthusiasm if I was grieving but I would still want that person to be in my life and to spend time with them (NOT. talking about feelings!). It’s unclear if your fiancé is simply not wanting to talk about how he feels about what happened and this in turn is making you feel invisible, or if he is neglecting the relationship as a whole. The former I can understand from his point of view, but if he’s being nasty to you in other areas then that is not okay in my opinion.
Post # 9
Coming from someone that lost her mother 7 months ago, 1.5 months is nothing in the scheme of grieving. Grief doesn’t make sense; you can’t expect it to play fair like that. It’s nasty, horrible stuff that can make you question your entire being and suck the joy from your soul. I know I’ve had my moments of distance from those I love. When depression takes hold of you, it can be impossible to see past it. My sister went from saying she was the happiest she’d ever been and her husband was the best man ever, to currently being on the edge suicide and divorce. It was the catalyst I needed to be brave enough to quit my job and move abroad to live with my fiance. Everyone handles life and death differently. Maybe his feelings have changed about you, but more likely, his feelings may be too painful to share or even put into words. He may not actually even know what he feels. Grief is complicated like that.
It could be helpful to share your feelings with him without placing blame or being defensive. If you do please don’t expect him to respond, only listen. It might all still be too painful for him. I think men may have it even worse than women. They grow up with the societal expectation they should be stoic and strong to be a “real” man. Nevertheless, real men actually love and feel deeply even if they can’t voice it in a tidy fashion.
Post # 10
- Wedding: March 2017 - Outside in Paris
Everyone grieves differently. Some people need to be alone during that time. All you can do is patiently wait and be there if he needs you. As for the state of your relationship, I’m not sure I have enough info… you may need to setup a quiet date to discuss your future.
Post # 11
What do you mean returning to his old ways? Did he used to act like this?
Post # 12
I’m not a talker. I like to grieve privately. In saying that however I don’t shut people out completely – I still like to do things with them and talk to them just not stuff related to my feeling or my loss. I find it difficult to comprehend that he wants almost nothing to do with you. I understand that a loss of a relative is a significant life event but he should still love and respect you enough to find ways to keep your relationship alive and healthy. I’m wondering if he has spoken to his sister and she is trying to clue you into the fact he wants to break up… I find it odd he is acting this way on top of her saying those things.
Post # 13
He told you to ‘shut up’ and ‘go away’?! In those words? Does he normally speak to you like that?
That certainly goes beyond being ‘distant’.
Post # 14
I think it is appropriate to make sure you are following the ‘ring theory’ of emotional support. It is pretty simple, you should be sending love, support and understanding inwards to your husband who is the one more directly involved in the emotional dificulty. When you need emotional support, to vent or express your frustration, you should be going to people who are less affected by the difficulty, like friends and family.
On the other hand, don’t treat your fiance like a baby either. Give him time to grieve properly, but don’t let him completly drop out of life. You don’t need to treat him like he is incapable of dealing with emotion, just because he doesn’t want to talk about it doesn’t nessisarily mean he has emotional issues. And even if he does, I think the best thing for you to do would be to carry on with life as usuall and expect him to at least make an effort to stay in your life. Don’t force him to talk about it because that will probably make him shut you out more. If he really cares for you he will come around eventually (although he may never actually want to discuss his feelings)
Post # 15
Have you had a good relationship with his sister before this happened? Do you think its possible that he’s spoken to his family about his concerns with you and she’s on to something?