Fiance is being distant.

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

modestbee056 :  I lost a close friend of mine about a year ago and it was very hard on me. I hard a difficult time connecting to my fiance for a week or so but ultimately turned to him for comfort and support. There will be a lot of heartbreaking moments throughout your life and you need to know how to deal with them as a couple. You should bring up your concerns with him. I have personally found that I often turn to this website before talking to my guy which ends up stressing me out more. I always feel better after talking to him even if the conversation is a difficult one 

Post # 17
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

jessie092 :  Wtf. Your FI is distant so you ‘take a hint’ and break up… That’s batshit

Post # 18
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

Well, grief does strange things to people and the way he’s acting it looks like he may be contemplating his relationship with her which could explains why he isn’t even sharing what he feels not even a little bit. She does not have to put up with this rubbish. One and a half month is more than enough for grieving.

It won’t be the first time if someone gets divorced due to a death in the family.

Post # 19
Member
1823 posts
Buzzing bee

Was this YOUR older sister or HIS? If it’s his, I’d be wondering if he confided in her that he is having doubts. 

If it’s your sister, I’d still be wondering why, at some point, he hasn’t leaned on you at least just a little bit. I lost my mother six weeks after my wedding, also unexpectedly. I’m an inward griever–I went to work the next day as well as finishing out the day that I found out. I did all my crying in private. There were certainly a bunch of times I pushed my husband away and snapped at him. But there were more times I let him hold me and comfort me–even if we didn’t “talk about it.” Even if I didn’t feel like it–I knew he needed it. 

I think you will have to talk to him and tell him your worries–chief amongst them that you want to be there and don’t know how along with how you don’t know if his needing space has to do with grief or with your relationship (or both). These are valid concerns and you should be able to address them with him. 

Post # 20
Member
2516 posts
Sugar bee

I had a great loss and what was most helpful was just sitting and staring. Then I would cry until I was sick. My husband asked how he could be there and that helped. Also asking if I wanted to talk about it helped. And when I said no, he didn’t push it. This is key. The most random memories will pop into your brain while grieving and it can make the pain unbearable. You can’t and don’t want to talk about it. Not yet at least m then if there are regrets or a memory you can’t get or you forgot, its distressing as hell. 

Ignore the person that said grief should be over in a month and a half. That’s wrong, grief is weird it comes and goes and for some a month later is actually worse. Then on the anniversary of the death, birthdays and holidays and anything special will be a trigger. I cried in the middle of a store because that was our thing. 

The question is, is he cutting you out completely? Is he leaning on you at all? These are things to pay attention to. Don’t point them out when he’s in the middle of a tough day. But perhaps key him know it’s ok to have a particularly rough day. They happen. 

Post # 21
Member
2516 posts
Sugar bee

modestbee056 :  I should have said what was most helpful was to be able to just sit and be. Then cry. That was worded poorly on my part. 

Post # 22
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2018

Men dont talk sitting across from you. Put on your joggers and invite him for a walk. Preferably in the dark. Don’t bring it up, just walk. He will start the conversation, and whatever he wants to talk about let him lead the conversation. If he declines the invite for a walk, I would do the same thing the next few nights in a row. He will see this is part of your routine. At the end of the week if he still doesnt accept the offer I would leave a small card saying “I love you and I’m thinking of you. I know you are doing it tough, and she was a very special lady. I am not sure how to help, but I would like to. Please let me know if there is anything I can do, or whether you just need space”. I would probably also include a massage voucher or something relaxing, a book, a new pair of slippers etc. There was also one sentence where you said something like “he hasnt taken it out on me thankfully”, a few odd snippy words at a very difficult time of life is very different to being often short, cruel or a few slaps and pushes. There is some behaviour that is never excusable.

Post # 23
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

My husband is someone who typically likes to be left alone when he’s very sad about something. He doesn’t like to look vulnerable in that way and prefers to think about his feelings by himself. When he’s ready he comes to me and talks about them but it can take a while. Different people handle sadness in different ways. In my view I think he believes he should be strong for me, it’s how he grew up culturally and I understand that. Over time I realized that all I need to do to make him feel better is sit next to him, leave him alone as he deals with his feelings, or quietly help him solve his problem without talking about feelings, sometimes I’ll turn his sadness into anger and I’ll let him complain about the issue until it becomes humor (example when he was depressed at his previous job, we started complaining about terrible co-workers together).

I think your fiance is an extreme case of my husband, he might not want to talk about his feelings at all because he doesn’t want to look weak towards you. Give it time. Of course if he’s like this for weeks then there’s a problem.

 

Edit: 1 and a half months? Ok that’s far too long, I didn’t read that. I expected this as a week which is more typical. I suggest you try other tactics.

Post # 24
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

millie92 :  you get it! That would be the best way to get me to talk, same for my FI too. Neither of us like discussing our grief and in 6 years we have had way too much of it on both sided. We always come back to each other emotionally but it takes time. Trying to make each other talk about it by forcing a conversation would send either of us running for the hills. I don’t need to talk about my grief and when my grandmother passed I just needed to be alone and know that he had my back through it all.

Post # 25
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee

modestbee056 :  The full cycle of grief can take up to 2 years, 1.5 months is not enough time to discern if this is forever. (Google D.A.B.D.A.) Grief manifests differently in everyone. Short story of mine: In the last 4-5 years of my relationship with my ex-husband, we were hit with the news that his step-father had a very aggressive form of brain cancer. He fought for 2 1/2 years, but ultimately succumbed at 43. In his last few months, my ex’s grandmother was also put on hospice for COPD (lung disease) that left her very weak and withered. She also died later that year. We knew both of those deaths were imminent, but my ex STILL was shocked to the bone. Unfortunately for us, it meant the last year and a half of our relationship he continued to withdrawal from me to the point of he wouldn’t even return text messages or answer the phone. When I finally got him to talk about it, and it was around 6 months after the last death, he shared with me the guilt he had been feeling over not doing more for his family. His guilt literally ate him to his core and he shut down on EVERYONE. Unfortunately, there were other factors at play, and this was his normal response and we separated a few months later for additional reasons. Grief is ugly. And it is not an exact science. Your FI may not be ready to talk just yet, but 1.5 months is far too early to be throwing in the towel. This is someone that you are planning to spend the rest of your life with. There will be more grief. Give him some time, but also agree with PP. Don’t baby him. You don’t have to get him to talk about his feelings, but you do need to explain to him how his distance is making YOU feel, and that you are there for him and want to set the precedent for how to handle this in the future. But drop the subject for awhile and try to find something fun for you guys to do together. If he gives you crap about not wanting to be with you, then you confront him right there. You don’t have to be rude, but you do also need to call him on his BS. Great relationships aren’t without conflict, great relationships know how to handle conflict and come out the other side. He can grieve, but do not let him be disrespectful. Don’t let him walk all over you, but also understand that his reactions right now may be more severe than normal. Try not to take anything too personally for the next few months, and if it’s still going on, then it’s time to put your foot down.

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