- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 1969
I’ve been on the Bee a while, but I’m going anonymous.
Last night my fiance broke up with me. Again.
We tend to have little fallings out because he thinks I ask him to do too much when he gets in from work. We split the work in the house down the middle, and one of the things we agreed on is that I do the cooking and he does the washing up. I cook every night, but he lets the dishes pile up for days. They only get done if I wash them, or I ask him and remind him all the time.
Last night I asked him when he was going to do the dishes, as he hadn’t done them in 4 days. He went mental, shouted and yelled at me, stormed out of the house, said we were over, that he was unhappy in the relationship and had been for months, that he was bored and fed up with me, the usual stuff.
He does that a lot. I ‘wind him up’, and he leaves. Usually he comes back after a bit or I can convince him to come back into the house and we make up.
Last night he went to his mums, realised he’d forgotten his phone and came back to get it. This time he said he was serious and that we were over, and I (and I’m very embarrassed by this) cried like I’ve never cried before. I was begging him not to go, clinging onto him. He calmed me down, put me to bed and sat with me for a bit. I kept bursting into tears again, and he kept calming me down.
Eventually he got into bed with me, kissed me and we had sex, and now this morning we’re all fine again.
That’s how it often goes – he leaves, I cry, he comes back and we have sex, then we carry on talking about our wedding.
My mind is officially fucked, but I have no idea what to do. I feel like he’s playing power games with me – trying to see how much I need or want him. He has a sex addiction, and I have a very low sex drive – due in part to abuse as a child. We can go for months without sex, and sometimes he gets so frustrated at it. I’ve started to wonder if this ‘leaving me’ is a way to get sex, because he knows I’ll do anything to keep him.
I’ve suggested that we go to relationship councelling etc, but he point blank refuses, so that’s off the cards.
He said some really hurtful things last night – that I need to get a new job, that I sit on my arse all day, that I wind him up on purpose and I know what I’m doing. He also said that I was turning him into his dad (who used to hit him and his siblings/mother) and that if we have children he’ll end up picking on the weak because that’s how I make him feel. He also said that he wanted to hit me last night. But he won’t accept that he might have a problem, and get help – because it’s my fault for winding him up.
He never has hit me on purpose though, and I don’t think he ever would. He doesn’t know his own strength, so sometimes he shoves or grabs me too hard and I bruise, but he always apologises if he hurts me by accident, and I don’t think he would ever do anything on purpose.
I don’t want people to think he’s always horrible – most of the time we have a great time, we laugh together, enjoy the same things, and I feel safe and loved when I’m with him. He’s really good to me, looks after me and is a wonderful man. It’s just every so often when we argue, he takes it to extreme. I feel like we can’t have a normal disagreement – because if we disagree about *anything*, no matter how big or sall, it always ends the same way.
I just want to know if anyone has any ideas as to how I can mention to him that we need to be able to sit and talk about our problems, without it ending with his shouting at me. I’m just so confused about the whole thing.
I don’t want to be without him – I love him so much. We have a life together, two cats, and we’re getting married soon. It’s just mega difficult balancing the amazing times with the bad.
Sorry for the epic epic-ness of all this. I just needed somewhere to get it all out. I can’t tell my friends or family because I hardly see them since I moved in with my fiance, so I’m sort of stuck on my own. And I can’t tell my best friend – because it’s about him!