Fiance is questioning our relationship because of the difference in sex drives

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

I too have this sex drive problem with my boyfriend. weirdly, the problem only comes up in the middle of a random argument where he will blurt out how we never have sex and that I make him feel like a creepy uncle….I guess I can’t really help, but I do feel your pain :/

Post # 5
Member
4494 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

The mismatched sex drive thing sucks.  It sucks for both people – it sucks to feel like you’re inadequately meeting their needs, and it sucks for the other person to feel rejected all the time.  Have you guys talked about some sort of compromise?  For example, trying to have sex 2x/week, you give him a handjob or something 3x/wk sort of thing?  Are there things he can do to make you more likely to be up for sex (helping out with chores, romancing you a bit, etc)?  Also, can you figure out what may have caused your sex drive dip (are you on the pill, stressed, exercising less, etc?).  

Post # 6
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I know you said nothing in your life has changed, but it is possible that it’s hormonal. Prior to the pill, I wanted sex as much as my FI. I’m on the pill for PCOS, and the only one that didn’t kill my sex drive turned me into a raging lunatic.

I feel bad for FI because HE feels bad. He knows what’s going on, but that doesn’t make it any easier. As unromantic as it sounds, we’ve literally set 2 sex nights a week so it doesn’t turn into weeks without sex. I’m totally into once we get going for a few minutes…but it does take effort. I can’t wait to get off the pill.

Post # 7
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I went through this in my past relationship. When it’s new you can’t get enough. But once the honeymoon is over you start to see a few differences. I.e. mismatched libidos.

I was on the other end of this. I wanted it daily while he was perfectly fine with a few times a week. I went from only wanting him to wandering what it would be like elsewhere.

Speaking from personal experience once a partner starts to wander and imagine you’re screwed. Emotionally we detach when our physical needs aren’t met. The only way to salvage this is to compromise and keep an open line of communication.

My guy wasn’t open to talking. He was so comfortable I guess he didn’t think I could leave over this issue. But when faced with thefuture ppossibilities that my sex life would be scarce like this forever it wasn’t a hard Decision. Wasn’t an easy one. But compatibility matters.

Post # 9
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

@SkinnyJeansLover:  It sucks that your libidos don’t match naturally, but it seems like a bit of effort is needed on your part. Even if you may not *really* want it as much as he does surely there is some kind of compromise you can make, and maybe then he adjust his expectations down for you too? Maybe instead of rejecting him all the time, let him know that you’re going to make sure you two have sex at least 3-4 a week, and that lets him know not to expect it every day or 2x a day, but that you two will be intimate at least every other day. Just sitting in this pattern seems to be doing nothing good for your relationship, and if sex=love and affection in his mind, then you not paying more attention to his needs might be why he’s drawing away from you. I’m not saying you’re wrong to have less of a sex drive, please understand! But a big part of marriage is compromise and putting aside what you would want for yourself and putting the other person’s happiness and needs ahead of your own, and then hopefully he does the exact same for you. 

Post # 10
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

If you don’t want to lose him, then you’ll have to compromise.

If he wants sex daily, and you want it once a week, then try to meet in the middle. Sex 3 days a week, a BJ here and there?

How about the one time a week you are super turned on and ready to go, you put more effort into it (dress up, if that’s your thing, roleplay, whatever) and you go out of your way to initiate it.

That’s honestly the only way I see this relationship sustaining itself.

I would stop wondering why things have changed for you. I would instead accept that things have changed, and that you now need to put more effort into your sex life to keep your man.

But if you feel like putting a conscious effort into your sex life is compromising yourself, or that it’s not fair to you to have to try to have sex when you don’t want it, then it probably be best to let him go.

It sounds silly, but sex is absolutely a dealbreaker for some people.

Post # 11
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@fzesguer:  

@RipleyC:  I agree with this 10000000000% this is the only way to salvage this relationship and if your not willing to do the work its gonna end.

Post # 12
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@SkinnyJeansLover:  My fiance is a total night owl and doesn’t get affected by a lack of sleep. Sometimes he wants to have sex late at night when we go to bed and I am just ready to crash and just don’t have the energy for an hour of sex.  When this happens, I hate for him to feel rejected, so we have what we call “quicky, just for him sex”. I don’t mind at all and he feels satisfied and close to me, he always likes to hold me after. It’s a good compromise for us and leaves us both happy (and well rested). 

Post # 13
Member
2232 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’m seconding everything here. If you don’t try harder, you will lose him. I know when I get rejected once in a blue moon it REALLY hurts my feelings: to get rejected almost every time: I would leave. I have more respect for myself than to stay where I’m not completely wanted. You may say you want him in all other aspects of life, but you clearly dont want him sexually. This must be a huge hit to his confidence. No wonder he wont approach you anymore. He doesnt want to feel shitty again.

You need to make an effort here. You need to set up a few nights a week to have sex. If thats too much, do him a favor and let him go so he can find someone better suited to his needs, and you to yours.

Post # 14
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@SkinnyJeansLover:  Let me start by saying I’m sorry you are going through this.

Second, I have been in your boyfriends shoes. Once a day or every other day would be great for me, but my BF is like you: once a week is perfect for him.

I can easily say is our only “problem.” Literally, the only thing we might argue about. When it first presented itself as an issue, I said the exact same things your FI is saying to you now….and I cannot stress to you enough how important it is you take him seriously on this and make sure he feels heard.

There were a couple of moments where I wondered if he’d end up leaving me because we didn’t agree on this pretty important thing.

As the partner wanting sex more frequently, after alot of talking and compromising and hurt feelings, I’ve gotten to the point where if we meet in the middle with frequency, I’m happy. It might be hard for him because he was used to you being on the same page, and he may be concerned your view of and feelings toward him have changed.

I’d advise sitting down and having talks about this as often as he/you need to. This issue will not go away, but I do not feel it has to be a deal-breaker.

Post # 15
Member
2884 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

mmmm this is tough. if he starts to have a wandering eye when he feels sexually frustrated, what would happen in the future when you’re pregnant or have a newborn (eg first trimester morning sickness/low sex drive or post baby vaginal tearing)

Unless OP is going to get into it, i think its goign to seem even less sexy to do the ‘ ok i dont want to but ill force myself for you’ type thing . this is, its also not fun for her to be doing the obligatory 3x a week ‘please dont leave me’ HJ/BJ

i think you need to talk about it, its really tough

Post # 16
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@badabing88:  +1 Same here.

 

@SkinnyJeansLover:  This is an area where compromise is key. I have a high sex drive and my FI thought he did as well until he met me LOL! He’s happy with 1-2x (really it’s 1 but he isadament that it’s 2) per week but I would LOVE every day. 

I sat down and talked with him about how his rejection sex makes ME feel rejected and that I’d really like it if we could compromise. He (like you!) felt horrible that he was making me feel that way and promised to try harder. we have sex now 2-3x per week which is better. I have to work on my feelings of rejection and attributing them to his lower sex drive and not to him finding me less attractive.

Compromise. I promise it’ll help. When I first started having sex, I had a really bad partner and I really was not a fan of it. With the next one, he taught me that even if you think you aren’t in the mood or feeling “sexy” enough to relax and get in the moment and the libido will follow. It worked well for me and (besides with my FI) he was the best sex I ever had.

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