Post # 1
FI and I are paying for about 3/5 of the wedding ourselves. Of that 3/5, I’m taking care of most of it. But FI is constantly complaining about how expensiv everything is. I’m bargain shopping for every single aspect of this wedding and have cut out some fun elements I was looking forward to (like the candy buffet and gourmet cupcakes) because of his worries about cost. He says he doesn’t want us to be broke after the wedding and talks about how we’ve worked so hard to save what we have this year. I remind him that I worked that hard to save so that I could have a nice wedding and that a year ago we had even less than we do now and we’re fine.
The other day we went to pick up his groomsmen’s gifts and stopped by the jewelry store to pick out rings. My e-ring is a pretty unique cut and is covered in diamonds. There’s only one band that really fits it. Everything else would create a gap between the e-ring and the wedding band which aesthetically, really bothers me. He seemed so angry that we would have to spend a little extra and brought up, “I already spen xxxx on your engagement ring.” It’s like he’s holding it over my head. When it was time to pick out his ring he was huffy and just said, “whatever, I’ll just take the cheapest one.”
It hurts my feelings that he’s so concerned with money and ignoring the symbolism behind the wedding bands and the wedding itself. I’ve tried talking to him about it but I can’t quite come up with the right words to let him know how I feel.
So bees, any suggestions?
Post # 3
First, try to see it from his perspective a little bit. Guys (mostly) don’t “get” weddings. It seems like a LOT of money to spend on one day doesn’t it? And even if it is “your” money and you saved specifically for that, now that you have $x, i’m sure he’s thinking about all the OTHER things you could be doing with it. Vacations, house, car, etc etc etc. Its just really hard to get behind spending so much on something when you don’t really value it (as my fi tells me, he values the marriage and would marry me any minute of any day i’d let him— but the wedding? he doesn’t care.)
Second, set a budget with him. negotiate with him for some amount that you’re both comfortable with, and then stop discussing it. We figured negotiated to a point that we’re both okay with and now we’re going from there. I know I can spend that amount without guilt, and he knows he agreed to it so he needs to be nice about it.
Third, kick his ass a little. Tell him it hurts your feelings. If you’ve done steps #1 and #2 and he is still trying to guilt you– tell him it is unacceptable. Even if he doesn’t get it he should want to see you happy and he needs to just suck it up and stop being an ass.
Post # 4
ditto everything @corgitales said. I think guys often don’t really see the point of stuff that is so important to us, even things like wedding bands–my FI was like, do I really have to wear one? So maybe cut him some slack on that. But definitely discuss a budget that you can both feel comfortable about, so he doesn’t continue to be resentful and huffy.
Post # 5
When FI and I first started planning this wedding he freaked out over EVERY. SINGLE. thing! He’s an accountant and he’s never spent this much money in his life (neither have I). However, he’s now looking at the positive side of things, like how much money we can save when we need to! I’d bring this up to your FI and let him know that is one time in your life and you won’t always be spending like this. Wedding planning is so expensive and stressful and I can understand why he’s upset, but let him know how much the things he says upset you. A budget is a really good way to do things and has helped us immensely. It helps FI feel like he knows where all the money is going and keep track of what we’ve spent and what we still have left to pay.
Post # 6
Your wedding is coming up very soon for him to be freaking out about the costs just now – has he been like this the entire time? Or has he just now started really seeing how everything adds up?
I agree with all of the advice that other PP have said and I’ll add just one thing – in my Excel sheet of our wedding expenses, there is additional columns for the amount of money saved and how it was saved because I’m determined not to pay full price if I can friggin’ help it. We only booked our venues, but we’ve saved over $800 by having our wedding on a Sunday. Maybe seeing the savings will help him feel better too.
Post # 7
FH is the same way except he’s really not paying for anything. I’ve kind of taken the stance that he cares about getting married but could care less about the actual wedding, even though he knows its important to me. He’ll act interested but when I say something about the cost of anything he freaks out a little and tells me I’m nuts. It’s something I try not to let bother me because I realize he would marry me no matter what and that simply having a wedding is me winning, if it were up to him we would just go to the courthouse.
Post # 8
Mine is the same way. When we decided to have a wedding my parents told me how much they would give me, but also I put aside some money I’d received as a gift plus some I’d earned with my freelance business – because I knew I’d want to be able to spend x amount without anyone else having to worry about it.
He still freaks out even thought it’s not like I’m spending “our” money or anything extra. I specifically budgeted and saved for certain things I wanted.
It’s kind of frustrating to have to explain spending my own money that would normally go towards shoes or clothing or eating out.
Point is I’d marry him tomorrow at the courthouse. But we wanted our families to be there so we needed to plan a wedding. I think if we’re going to take the time to plan anything then why not plan something we can be proud of?
Post # 9
I know what you mean. I think the best bet is to look at the budget, where the funds are coming from, and how you’re doing on the budget. Then ask for input if he still feels the budget is feasible/okay given your financial situation. If yes, tell him he needs to then accept anything that falls within that budget. If not, figure out what is realistic for him now – even though there’s not a ton of time!