- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
My fiancé left me two months before our wedding. He left in such a cruel way my heart still can’t take it. It’s been a month.
We had been together for a year. He’s my first love, my first real relationship. We got engaged after 8 months. I thought he was the sweetest most compassionate person I had ever met. I initially thought he had a great family. His mom seemed to love me when she first met me. But I always saw hints of his abnormal relationship with his family. He’s a 32 year old doctor but lives in his parents basement, has a joint account with his mom, shares credit card statements with her and his best friend is his 70 year old unmarried aunt. However I always just thought he was a sweet person and I appreciated the love he has for family which I saw as a good thing.
I always thought his sister did not like me. She’s a 34 year old doctor. She has been in a relationship for 10 years but has yet to get married. She doesn’t have a single picture of her bf on facebook and the mom keeps the bf a secret and calls his sister single. She never once talked to me the whole year we were together, even after we were engaged (just once for a minute on mother’s day because she was made to). I bought up how much this hurt me but he explained it away saying she just needed to be left alone to come around and that she’s shy. His sister is not very close to his aunt but after we got engaged she took the aunt on vacation and all the way from Greece the aunt called him and asked him not to get married yet. I had a hunch that it was his sister’s doing; something about wanting us to wait until she was married. However this was never something he or his family ever talked to us about. I tried to link these observations to him but he would not have any of it. HIS FAMILY LOVED ME and that was it.
No one in his family called to congratulate me after we were engaged and when his mom did call me after 4 weeks it was just to make small talk. We set up the wedding date soon after and even let his parents pick the day and season which was different from what I wanted but I also let that go out of respect for them. I was just happy that I was marrying the man I loved.
When I visited him in this city 3 months before our wedding his mother introduced me as “a friend’s daughter”. That hurt my feels so much. But I let him and his family explain that away. When we got engaged my ex put up an announcement on fb immediately. There were lots of pictures of us on facebook from the time we got together. His family didn’t like any this. It hurt my feelings but I let that go too.
On father’s day his mom decided to tell my dad that before the wedding could proceed we all needed to have a conversation because him and I have problems in our relationship. Of course we fought just like any other couple but I thought we had a strong relationship. In the 1 year together we had never gone a day without speaking! I cared for him when he was sick and he had done the same for me. We never let your own issues go unresolved. The only thing we were fighting about a lot is how his family just did not seem to be happy with this wedding, something he just refused to see. We are South Asian so parents handle the wedding plans but his mother was not on board and I couldn’t make him see that. He’d just get mad if I bought it up. But at the same time he struggled with his mom a lot at home and in private to get her on board. He had left home several times out of frustration. But he needed to preserve the perfect image of a mother to me.
After this conversation where his mother was very rude to my family she stopped communicating with my family in total. She has a way of talking where her voice doesn’t get angry and always stays sweet sounding while she’s putting people down and being underhanded. Also she doesn’t let anyone else speak when she’s talking. My poor dad took the humiliation and didn’t talk back, scared that she might use it later against our family.
After that he and I had a big blowout and he left me. He basically said that he would always take his moms side against me and couldn’t believe that his mom could be rude and that my dad had misunderstood. And that he couldn’t give me a ring and his mom’s blessings. He came back 2 days later.
Mind you that by this time the only thing that had been done for the wedding is that the venue had been booked which my dad had signed and paid for. His parents had not done a single thing to help with the wedding even though in his mind his parents were just as helpful. His parents are very wealthy. His dad is a pediatrician. My dad is an accountant in comparison. But despite my dad making the deposits to the venue his parents never thought to extend a payment or to ask when the next payment was due. My dad did it all even though it was supposed to be shared.
After we got back together he visited me in my city for a couple of days. We had another big blowout again because nothing was happening at all with regards to the wedding. His mother hadn’t called since that day. No wedding plans were progressing. And it was now about 2 months away. This blowout was infront of my parents and he again threatened to leave. He called his parents crying saying “I am a good boy” on the phone to them. Mind you he’s a 32 year old doctor! He also begged his mom on the phone for an hour in private to give her blessing and to have the engagement ceremony, something she never did. I overheared but he denied it. That day his mother was so rude to my dad. The call was on speaker phone so I heard all that was said. I tried to make him listen to the conversation but he plugged his ears with his hands and locked himself in the washroom refusing to listen to how his mom was talking on the phone with my dad. My dad finally became so frustrated with her rudeness and with her complaining about me that he said “It seems like what you wanted is going to happen” (aka. Him and I will break up).
That day I had my first panic attack. I spend the whole day at the hospital. His mom never called once to see how I was doing. My mom called his mom after I was back from the hospital. His mom never returned the call. We never bought this up while he was at my house. The rest of the days seemed to go fine after that. Before he went back he promised me that by the end of the week he’d get my ring (he’d left me with a $1500 promise ring since March and had promised to get me a ring soon, something he never bought up unless I did which was another source of my frustration), promised to get his mom to make the cards for the reception and to get her blessings for a engagement ceremony that Indians have before the wedding.
When he got back home, his mom left to go to his sister’s city for 2 weeks to help her move. The last conversation I had with her consisted of her telling me “My heart is not in this. If you two want to go ahead that’s your decision”. I cried and pleaded so hard to come help with the wedding; she just kept saying she was busy. I knew then that my fate had been sealed. This is a woman who I treated better than my own mother when I was with her. I cooked each time I was at his home, bought her a gift for mother’s day (I don’t work, still a student) and his aunt, and swallowed all the hurt she threw at me. But she still decided for some reason that I wasn’t good enough for her son.
A week after he left my city, he decided to break up with me. He didn’t come through with any one of the things he had repeatedly promised me (ring, getting his mom to actively work with us on the wedding, get her to give her blessings). We started talking about our families getting involved and how many problems it had caused and he screamed at me that my dad was rude to his mom. He was referring to when my dad had said on the phone to his mom “What you wanted is about to happen”, the conversation he refused to listen to.
The final thing I heard him say is “I have thought about this for a long time and my mom is right, you would be hard to live with.” He took his leave via text saying he didn’t want to leave but he had to and that this was for the best.
Here I am now with a broken heart and my family devastated by a man they took as their own soon who has left them $14000 in debt because they trusted him so much that they didn’t even make him sign the venue contract, something the families were supposed to have divided the cost of after the wedding.
God seems to be so cruel. I put up with so much and loved him so much. I put my all into this relationship only to be thrown away like dirt. I called him a week after be left crying and he hung up on me as soon as he knew it was me. How cruel. The man who couldn’t sleep without hearing my voice for a whole year, a man who had pledged his life to me treated me no better than the common one-night stand.
Please help me. Does anyone have any advice? How do I move on after such betrayal?