(Closed) Fiance lied, I'm scared (long)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

The second FB page is a little strange but the biggest red flag is his lies about debt. The number 1 cause of divorce is money issues, so I would be wary of that…

Post # 4
Member
3472 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

The red flag that I see hereisn’t that he had the account, but  WHY he felt the need to continually lie to you about it. 

The problem that I see in both these situations is that even when you found out; he keeps lieing.  And so far, there’s been no change in his bahavior, so it’s pretty much a “definition of insanity” moment in my opinion. 

You keep doing the same thing over and over, and are expecting different results.  I agree with you that it doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything horrible or decietful (sp?) but again, he feels the need to lie to you about them– you need to get to the source of his behavior and make the change there. 

I can’t tell you what kind ofan impact this can/should have on your relationship– but I will say this: If it were me, I at least wouldn’t marry him until something actually changed, continually forgiving him for doing the same hurtful thing time and again isn’t going to lead you anywhere positive. 

 

Post # 5
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t know if it’s a huge red flag. But it’s weird. I think it’s totally acceptable to have a second FB for coworkers and professional purposes and the like… but why lie about it to your fiance? 

When someone’s first instinct is to lie about something unimportant that nobody in their right mind would even care about, it makes it hard for me to trust them. Because their first instinct is to lie.

I think you need to address the lying with this guy and tell him it is absolutely unacceptable. And decide what your limits are on this.

Post # 6
Member
8464 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

He probably fears that you’re going to reject him in some way.  I would definitely ask him why he feels the need to lie to you.  It doesn’t sound like he’s cheating or doing anything wrong, other than lying; hopefully, you two can improve your communication.  Otherwise, lack of trust will tear a relationship apart.  *HUGS*

Post # 7
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I agree that I don’t necessarily think these are deal breakers, but I do think they are red flags in the sense that you need to keep him “in check” so to speak.

 

I also agree that the the biggest issue I see is lying about his debt.  That can lead to some HUGE problems down the line if it continues. I would try talking to him about the lying. Ask him why he feels like he needs to hide things from you. Explain exactly how his lying makes you feel. Tell him how much worse the reaction is when you find out he lied compared to how you would have felt had he just told the truth. It might help you decide if you can deal with this or not.

 

I hope all goes well! Good luck 🙂

Post # 8
Member
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

i dont think its the biggest red flag ive ever seen on the bee, but i agree, it is weird to lie about it…. sorry i dont have anything more to offer!

Post # 9
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think it’s a problem, it’s not like it’s one lie to your face — it’s a lie every day you didn’t know about the FB.  There’s a reason for him hiding it, otherwise he wouldn’t do it.

Post # 10
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think I would have been upset too because why would he just not have shared that with you? It seems shady that he would pretend it was nothing when you walked in the room. I do think this is a bit of a red flag however hopefully you can talk with him about it more.

Post # 11
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m not sure about the facebook thing – it is definitely weird and would make me feel VERY uncomfortable. Especially since he was so obviously hiding it and lying about it continually. I’d have to believe that something shady was in fact going on or else he would have no need to lie about it. (He’d just say, oh it’s another account I have for coworkers or something).  Other than the coworker issue (or needing one for work) I see no reason to have a second (and secret) facebook account.  

Also – just because there were no “bad” message doesn’t mean he doesn’t send/receieve them (he could delete them, or he could be live facebook chatting, which doesn’t save in the inbox…)  If there isn’t anything shady going on, if he is going to lie to you about a stupid facebook page, what else “real issues” is he lying about?

I’d also be concerned about the financial lying. You should get full disclosure of everything going on with his finances before you marry him as financial troubles are the #1 cause of divorce. You should know what’s in his accounts, how much he owes, his credit score, etc. Not saying every detail but you should have a general idea.  FI and I don’t necessarily know each others detail down to every cent but we have a general idea of where we both are financially. 

Post # 12
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Maybe he’s insecure or is worried you’ll think less of him if you find out he’s “less than perfect” (I put this in quotes because obviously, no one is perfect!). Like the debt thing, maybe he was worried that you’d see him as irresponsible and leave him. Self-esteem issues can make one do crazy things! Not really sure why he would lie about the facebook thing, maybe he panicked and in the heat of the moment said he forgot about it, even if he WASN’T doing anything wrong.

Since he’s not doing anything out of the ordinary to give you the impression he’s cheating, I would say try some counseling (or at least self-help books if he’s not into seeing a therapist/counselor) to find out what’s going on with him unconsciously.

Either way, good luck, and I hope you guys can get through it.

Post # 13
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

With privacy controls on Facebook, it’s not like you even need to have a separate ‘safe’ profile. I have all my coworkers friended, and all they can see is my public information. They don’t see photos from girls night out or kissyface ones with my sweetheart.

If he does have a second profile, though, I don’t see why it would need active maintenance. If I did that, I’d put up a bare bones ‘professional’ one, and almost never touch it.

 

Post # 14
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I was going to say that all guys have this desire to not make their lady upset, so they leave out things that they know will cause them grief.  Then I got to the part about the 2nd facebook profile,  that is just weird and there is something not right about the whole thing.  Something is definitely fishy. 

My FI is a smartass jokester so he has another fb page he uses to troll his friends and prank on them.  I know about this one because he told me about it and we had a laugh.  He made up a really crude and crass name. He never put any photos or filled out any information though so it’s not like it’s a dulicate account.

I have a second account with no personal info or photos also that i just made because(long story) a family member blocked me and i wanted to find some stuff. 

OPs situation seems a bit different and i would not be able to rest easy after that discovery.

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