I created this account so that I could post in confidence about this matter. My fiance and I had been together about 3 months when I found porn on his laptop for the first time. It really shocked me, but we had not been dating long enough at that point for it to really hurt me. We had a long discussion and he told me that he never wanted to look at it again, and he wouldn't. So, about two years into our relationship, I found it again. This time, it really devastated me. I felt cheated on and couldn't understand why he was still looking at it. We have a very good relationship (emotionally and physically)...so there is no reason he should be going outside of our relationship. And here is where we are today...
It is one month until our wedding, and I found it again. I am seriously crushed. What hurts most is that he has been lying to me about it. He tells me everytime that I find it that he will stop, and I believe him. But, what if he truly doesn't stop? I do not want to be married to a man that willl have to be fulfilled by looking at this stuff. I honestly feel cheated on. We stayed up almost all night last night talking, because I am not even sure I want to continue with the wedding. I know many women believe that this is normal...and let their men look at porn. But I am not built for that. I can't be with him if he continues.
Has anyone been through this? What can I do to understand? I love him so much, and do not want to lose him. But I cannot have a marriage like that.
@amber34: Tell him all of the things you just said. You can not be with a man who does that and it makes you feel like you've been cheated on. How would he respond to that?
sorry but I am in the camp that doesn't care.
What is your issue with him looking at porn?
As I see it, I would rather my hubby watched that when I wasn't in the mood that he runs off to find someone else.
It fulfills a need. It doesn't mean you aren't satisfying him or that he wants to cheat, this is just fantasy. It's pretend; you're real.
Haven't you ever read a romance novel or watched a romantic movie? Men are seduced through their eyes; women are seduced through their ears. Looking at porn for him is like reading a romantic story for you. You are still 100% satisfied by your relationship and you prefer your fiance to the pretend man in your book, but it still satisfies something in you.
It's the same for him. He doesn't want you to be one of those women in his porn, god no! But, occationally, it's fun for him to put himself into that fantasy. (Meanwhile, I think this is why so many men were uncomfortable with women reading 50 Shades of Grey... it's really the same thing)
@amber34: Porn is more about mastrubation than an emotional connection with you. It's totally normal for guys to look at porn, the problem is the lying. Yes, there are some guys out there that don't look at porn, apparently he isn't one of them. Regardless, lying to each other about what you want/expect out of the relationship isn't going to help things. Try to talk things out with him in a calm, logical manner; communication is key.
@Twizbe: I don't think she was asking whether watching porn is right or wrong.
I think the issue here is that you feel lied to and when someone lies to you, it means they don't respect you.
I think you need to speak to him and tell him what you said here. His track record shows that he clearly does not care for how you feel on the subject.
You need to ask yourself if this is worth ending your relationship for (it seems that you have already said it is). If that is truly the case, then I would walk away. But only if you are 100% sure you can't live with a man who watches porn.
@BeachBride2014: what is 50 shades of grey? I keep hearing about it on these boards.
@housebee: it's a book about kinky sex that appears to be targeted towards middle-aged housewives. dont' quote me on this - this is only what I've heard. I've never read the books and don't really have any desire to do so, hearing that the writing is relatively bad.
+1 I totally agree. Id rather him look at that than him doing that with someone else. This is going to sound really mean but I don't mean it to be.. You sorts have to pick your battles. If him looking at pornography is your worst problem then you are lucky.
@housebee: It's a raunchy romance novel which dabbles very lightly in kink. It's terribly written, and the characters aren't remotely believable or even likeable... but oh goodness, it's hot!
@amber34: He's using porn for masturbation, which is a perfectly normal and healthy thing for a person to do. You are overstepping your bounds into some private territory here, trying to dictate to another person how they masturbate. It has nothing to do with you, it's between him and himself. It doesn't mean your relationship is lacking in any way. Don't you have some private sexual fantasies you keep strictly to yourself?
Having such a strict stance against porn is working against you because, obviously, he's not buying it and is now put into the position of lying to you.
Why don't you suggest if he's in the mood to watch it to let you know and the two of you watch it together?
try watching it with him??? maybe it will take you to new sexual places??
If this is the only issue in an otherwise healthy and respectful relationship, I think it can be worked out. You need honesty from him. In your shoes, I'd want to know how often he's viewing it and if it's becoming/ become addictive for him. Personally, I don't have a problem with porn but my DH doesn't like it. He knows I'll watch something every now and then, but if ever that made him uncomfortable and I found I couldn't stop myself, then I'd have to question its effect on my well-being. Porn can be addictive for some people. If I were you, I'd take it straight to a counselor. Both of you need to be willing to be wrong here... you need to leave open the possibility that you are overreacting based on your own preferences and he needs to get real about how much he's consuming this imagery. I'm not saying you are overreacting at all... just that in order to heal this, both people have to let down their guard and get real about what you're dealing with.
Example: If he's just watching a flick 4 times a year, or looking at naked pictures once in a blue moon, maybe you could relax and trust that it doesn't correlate with how much he is attracted to you. OR if he's watching daily, finding himself preoccupied with accessing it, struggling to stop and not able to... you've got a whole bigger problem then just differing views.
@tranquility: My point was why she felt it was unacceptable for him to watch. She talked about the lying, but not why it is a no go to start with
I'm also in the camp that doesn't care at all if my SO watches porn, but if you can't be with a man that watches it and he refuses to stop, then I feel like you just need to leave unless you're always going to feel betrayed and cheated on.
From what I have heard some people have a porn addiction. Do you think they could be the case?
The lie is the worst part. He needs to learn to be honest with you despite whether or not you will get upset.
Can you talk to him and have him honestly tell you if he can't stop looking or if he just doesn't want to? If he can't stop perhaps finding a councelling service would be useful.
I'm not saying all men who look at porn are "addicted" to it but if he's been saying he will stop and he hasn't perhaps he does have a problem with it.
I wouldn't call off the wedding just yet. Try to get some councelling in for the both of you and perhaps him alone as well. If he loves you and wants to stay with you he should be willing.
I have a problem with porn as well. I don't feel like my FI should be looking at it at all, it's disrespectful to me and a breach of trust in our relationship. He's committed to me which includes not looking at other women in a lustious matter (if that's a word)
Try talking to him to find out why he hasn't stopped.
My husband and I do not see this as cheating as we consider it a sex toy of sorts and it dosn't affect our love life. We feel no emotional attachment to these people on the screen and it is more of what they are doing, then the person themselves that get us turned on.
Obviously, your Fiance does not consider this cheating either, but still.....if it really upsets you then he needs to stop watching it or the two of you at least need to have a conversation about it. I can go on and on about why I do not consider porn that big of a deal, but in the end it will not change your mind. It will still upset you because that is your own personal belief and morals.
How often is he looking at porn? Why is he looking at porn? Does he need a visual aid to help him masturbate? I think these are questions you need to ask him to help you to understand and to work on this issue. I can imagine that he dosn't like having to be sneaky about it because he knows that you consider it cheating.
I think it is normal for both men AND women to watch it, but I wouldn't say that all people do it. The thing that matters is that YOU have an issue with it.
@amber34: Maybe if you can come halfway and say "I don't love the idea of you looking at porn, but its ok. I absolutely don't like that you're lying about it, and lying is not ok." He has to know that he can be honest without too much judgement on your part. Good luck!
@jjmomma: Thank you for understanding my side. In our conversations, my fiance did come out and tell me he thought it might have an addiction. I am sorry to all of you who think it's okay for your men to sit up late at night and get off to images of other women while you are in the next room, but I am not okay with it. If it was once in a while that he was looking at it, I would really not make a big deal of it. But this is a lot of porn that I am finding on his laptop, and not typical stuff. I think you are right and that the relationship can be worked out, but I do want to go to counseling. One, for me to understand, and two, for him...because I do think it's an addiction that began long ago.
@Sunfire: :) Hugs!
I was watching a lot of porn and my husband was clearly bothered by it. He didn't ask me to stop, but~ addiction or not~ what I was doing was creating problems for me and my loved one in real life. I see it with the same potential as taking a drink, a pill, or other drugs. It alters reality, changes your mood (I'd go so far as to say it alters brain function temporarily, but I'd get slammed for not citing research). I like porn. I'd love to watch it with my husband. I've got no issues with anyone watching it. But.... ANYTHING that damages intimacy with your partner has to be evaluated. Just as some people can drink without issues and some people can't~ you've got to know what the real issue is and if this has gotten out of control for him.
I happen to share your view on this topic. If your FI truly wants to be free from what has likely become an addiction for him, he is going to need to take some immediate, deliberate and radical actions to achieve that goal. If he truly does not want to stop, then he needs to be honest with you that, although he may be deeply sorry that his behavior is causing you so much pain, he is just not willing to do whatever is necessary to stop. Whatever his choice, he needs to be completely honest with himself and with you so that you are able to make an informed decision about your future.
@pinkgreenandyellow: Absolutely. It is undeniably a breech of trust. While it's not physically cheating, it's emotionally cheating.
@amber34: Not typical in what way?
Addiction to porn and occasional porn viewing are two entirely different things.
Wow...
"I am sorry to all of you who think it's okay for your men to sit up late at night and get off to images of other women while you are in the next room, but I am not okay with it."
That was really uncalled for. Forget everything I said and good luck with your relationship....
@amber34: A little porn is normal and you'd have a really really hard time finding a guy out there who doesn't look at it, or who doesn't lie to you about looking at it if you insist he doesn't. Since you think that's cheating, then I"m sorry but you are probably either going to be alone or be cheated upon...
BUT, if you both think he may have an actual addiction, then I agree that counseling is your best bet! Since it's "not typical stuff", maybe you two should talk about any fetishes or fantasies he has so that you can perhaps experience it together rather than him turning to porn (obviously, as long as it's not child porn or gay porn or something). Good luck.
Sexual habits and patterns are a complex and important thing to any living, breathing human being...and when you figure that he's been looking at sexual images longer than he's been sexually active, telling him your feelings and how it feels like he's cheating, when in all honesty, YOU are the interloper in his sexual history if we're counting by years on the books here, seems a little preposterous....because you are essentially telling him that in order to be with you, he has to literally wall off the origin of his own sexual identity and discovery as well as his own personal sexual experience which doesn't always include you, which is something he will agree to because he cares about you so much, but will not succeed at, because it's a large part of his own satisfaction....
Your connection, love, relationship and sex life are not lacking, and he's not looking at these images to replace or fullfill something he wants, it's personal, private and honestly, a pretty natural thing.
I would try to understand his needs aren't always going to include you, respect his privacy and ask that if he is going to look, it be stored in a place that you aren't going to look....
@Cady: I'm sorry, Cady. I was not trying to be offensive in any way. I was just trying to explain why I can't accept him looking at it.
@Cady: Agreed, that's not what we were saying at all. From the original post it seemed like ordinary stuff; evidently it's not, though. Neither myself or my DH watches alone, only together, and we use it like you said, as a "toy." If someone gets addicted that's a whole other animal.
@amber34: I can be 100% sure my hubby has NO emotional attachment to the girls in porn....
also think your post is a bit judgemental to those of us who have no issue.
If your hubby is addicted then yes he needs some help - but I think you also need to think why you are so against. Most women I know who don't like it have some self esteem issues which makes it hard for them to see the difference between lust and love.
Yeah, I'm curious about what is considered "not typical".
OP, I guess I understand your point of view but I don't think it's realistic at all. I guess there are men out there who don't look at porn, but I'd venture to say they are men with low sex drives or men not turned on by women (and even then, there's porn for that, too). Men with health sex drives like variety and they like visual stimuli. Porn fulfills those fantasties. I've yet to meet a man with a healthy sex drive who did not look at porn.
How does your FI feel about your rigid views on porn? Do you conservative views on other aspects of sex, too? I am just curious where you're coming from.
What I hear is less of "Gross! He watches porn! He doesn't love me!" and more along the lines of sitting alone night after night while he's in another room in an altered reality.
@amber34: That was pretty judgmental. You asked a public forum our opinions, and we tried to help. Even if you disagree with some of the opinions, you don't need to react so negatively.
@RedAngelDreamer: Whooooah! My husband has a healthy sex drive and he's very much into women... but he prefers the real thing to the screen thing. Does he appreciate seeing a naked woman. Yep. Does he want to watch a hot and sweaty sausage fest with random women? Naw. He had one video when I met him and I think he'd had that since 1983 (lol) and few photos on his computer. I'm a bit bugged by the implication that a man must not like sex or be gay if he doesn't want to watch porn.
The issue isn't if porn is ok to other people or not. I hate that these posts turn it into that every single time. The problem is her and her SO talked about this and agreed that it didn't have a place in their relationship together (he aqreed to not look at it any more) and then he continued to do it and hid it.
OP- HAve an honest conversation with your SO if he truely agrees with your stance on porn. If he doesn't, then the two of you need to to set boundries that you both agree with.
@RedAngelDreamer: My SO has a healthy sex drive in into women, and hasn't looked at porn since high school. It does not appeal to him and he doesn't enjoy mastubating nearly as much as he enjoys sex with me. He'd rather have the emotional and physical connection than spend time alone with a screen.
It really bugs me when women assume that all guys watch porn, it's like assuming all women paint their nails. A lot of them do, but not all of them.
How can it not be about whether or not porn is okay when the poster's expectations are, in many's eyes, unreasonable and unrealistic?
Stifling someone's sexuality is a good way to get them to leave. If the two of them have different sexual needs and expectations, is that likely to change? I doubt it. If this is how the OP feels and she is unwilling to compromise because she feels it's an infidelity, I'm not sure how that is worked out.
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