Fiance looking at porn. Need some advice!

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

@amber34:  Tell him all of the things you just said. You can not be with a man who does that and it makes you feel like you’ve been cheated on. How would he respond to that?

Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

sorry but I am in the camp that doesn’t care.

What is your issue with him looking at porn?

As I see it, I would rather my hubby watched that when I wasn’t in the mood that he runs off to find someone else.

Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee

It fulfills a need.  It doesn’t mean you aren’t satisfying him or that he wants to cheat, this is just fantasy. It’s pretend; you’re real.

Haven’t you ever read a romance novel or watched a romantic movie?  Men are seduced through their eyes; women are seduced through their ears.  Looking at porn for him is like reading a romantic story for you.  You are still 100% satisfied by your relationship and you prefer your fiance to the pretend man in your book, but it still satisfies something in you.

It’s the same for him.  He doesn’t want you to be one of those women in his porn, god no!  But, occationally, it’s fun for him to put himself into that fantasy.  (Meanwhile, I think this is why so many men were uncomfortable with women reading 50 Shades of Grey… it’s really the same thing)

Member
6949 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@amber34:  Porn is more about mastrubation than an emotional connection with you.  It’s totally normal for guys to look at porn, the problem is the lying.  Yes, there are some guys out there that don’t look at porn, apparently he isn’t one of them.  Regardless, lying to each other about what you want/expect out of the relationship isn’t going to help things.  Try to talk things out with him in a calm, logical manner; communication is key.

Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee

@Twizbe:  I don’t think she was asking whether watching porn is right or wrong.

 

I think the issue here is that you feel lied to and when someone lies to you, it means they don’t respect you.

 

I think you need to speak to him and tell him what you said here. His track record shows that he clearly does not care for how you feel on the subject.

You need to ask yourself if this is worth ending your relationship for (it seems that you have already said it is). If that is truly the case, then I would walk away. But only if you are 100% sure you can’t live with a man who watches porn. 

Member
3324 posts
Sugar bee

@housebee:  it’s a book about kinky sex that appears to be targeted towards middle-aged housewives. dont’ quote me on this – this is only what I’ve heard. I’ve never read the books and don’t really have any desire to do so, hearing that the writing is relatively bad.

Member
228 posts
Helper bee

@Twizbe:  

@BeachBride2014:  

+1 I totally agree. Id rather him look at that than him doing that with someone else. This is going to sound really mean but I don’t mean it to be.. You sorts have to pick your battles. If him looking at pornography is your worst problem then you are lucky.

Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee

@housebee:  It’s a raunchy romance novel which dabbles very lightly in kink.  It’s terribly written, and the characters aren’t remotely believable or even likeable… but oh goodness, it’s hot!

Member
8154 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@amber34:   He’s using porn for masturbation, which is a perfectly normal and healthy thing for a person to do.  You are overstepping your bounds into some private territory here, trying to dictate to another person how they masturbate.  It has nothing to do with you, it’s between him and himself.  It doesn’t mean your relationship is lacking in any way.  Don’t you have some private sexual fantasies you keep strictly to yourself?

Having such a strict stance against porn is working against you because, obviously, he’s not buying it and is now put into the position of lying to you.

Why don’t you suggest if he’s in the mood to watch it to let you know and the two of you watch it together? 

Member
2370 posts
Buzzing bee

try watching it with him???  maybe it will take you to new sexual places??

Member
3573 posts
Sugar bee

If this is the only issue in an otherwise healthy and respectful relationship, I think it can be worked out.  You need honesty from him.  In your shoes, I’d want to know how often he’s viewing it and if it’s becoming/ become addictive for him.  Personally, I don’t have a problem with porn but my DH doesn’t like it.  He knows I’ll watch something every now and then, but if ever that made him uncomfortable and I found I couldn’t stop myself, then I’d have to question its effect on my well-being.  Porn can be addictive for some people.  If I were you, I’d take it straight to a counselor.  Both of you need to be willing to be wrong here… you need to leave open the possibility that you are overreacting based on your own preferences and he needs to get real about how much he’s consuming this imagery.  I’m not saying you are overreacting at all… just that in order to heal this, both people have to let down their guard and get real about what you’re dealing with.

Example:  If he’s just watching a flick 4 times a year, or looking at naked pictures once in a blue moon, maybe you could relax and trust that it doesn’t correlate with how much he is attracted to you.  OR if he’s watching daily, finding himself preoccupied with accessing it, struggling to stop and not able to… you’ve got a whole bigger problem then just differing views. 

Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

@tranquility:  My point was why she felt it was unacceptable for him to watch. She talked about the lying, but not why it is a no go to start with

Member
2223 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m also in the camp that doesn’t care at all if my SO watches porn, but if you can’t be with a man that watches it and he refuses to stop, then I feel like you just need to leave unless you’re always going to feel betrayed and cheated on.

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I don't know how to help my friend :(

Advice needed please

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