Long time lurker, first time poster. Would love to hear your thoughts on this. Long post….thanks in advance 🙂
My fiance is in sales and goes out of town once a month or so on business trips. When he is home, we spend all our time together. We both have somewhat demanding jobs so we literally spend every second we aren’t at work together. We also aren’t one of those couples that goes out on our own AT ALL. He can be a little jealous, and I don’t have a desire to go out with my single girlfriends and party when I have a loving fiance at home. Plus I’m not a huge drinker. It works for us.
But when he goes on business trips, being in sales, a lot of his time is spent “entertaining” clients–lavish dinners, shows, bars, etc. He used to take clients to strip clubs but he tries to avoid that now. When he is home, he generally schedules lunches instead–we spend every night together.
I understand the demands of his job, but I don’t like the way our relationship is handled when he goes out of town. I’ve never been in a relationship where someone “forgets” to call me when they get home at night, because they are so drunk/tired, but he’s done it multiple times now. It’s so weird and confusing. He is always the first and last thing on my mind, drunk, sober, or otherwise. Why aren’t I? It just doesnt make any sense to me.
He also lies to me about where he is…ie he’ll lie about being at a restaurant when he goes out to bars and clubs at night. I’ve never, EVER forbidden him from going out, and I’d certainly rather him tell me he is at a bar with clients and thinking of me then saying he is at ____ restaurant that, when I look it up, has been closed for two and a half hours. It’s insulting.
And it’s weird that when I get pissed and call him out on it, instead of apologizing he becomes furious at me for even saying anything. Like, “don’t you know I am here for work to make money for us and SORRY i was a little late calling you or said i was at a restaurant when i was actually NEXT DOOR, I wont bother to call you/update you at all next time.” And then proceeds to tell me not to pick him up from the airport when he arrives.
Now I feel uncomfortable and shamed out of saying anything and getting angry. Am I overreacting? Should I just let the minor lies go? I feel like, given the nature of his profession, and the fact that he needs to be entertaining and partying, honesty and trust are SO IMPORTANT. I want him to be completely transparent with me. I don’t want to be that crazy fiance second-guessing his every move.
Everyone is guilty of running late or getting caught up in an event. But when I get off work late, I always apologize profusely. It would never occur to me to get angry at him for being upset.
I can’t help but wonder if he is hiding something from me. Why else would he lie or get so angry? I have this horrible thought of him being one of those “traveling salesmen” that uses the trips as an opportunity to –god forbid–cheat.
Sorry for the long post. Thanks in advance for your advice.