- 4 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
@Princesslaylaxo: Is he good to you in other ways? From what you’ve posted, if my husband were to act like that, I probably wouldn’t be with him. However, take my opinion with a grain of salt because my husband pays for everything and loves doing it (he works, I stay at home).
@Princesslaylaxo: I would be worried about the long term. What are you guys going to do if you have kids?
If you only make 500/month, does it make financial sense to put them in daycare? If you stay home with them, will he hold paying for groceries over your head?
@Princesslaylaxo: Nobody likes gifts or help with strings attached…is there any chance he’s stressed about you not having a job right now and is trying to play it safe with money? That was the first thing that popped into my head: if I lost my job right now and was on benefits, my FI wouldnt be down with me buying dresses :-/
I dont know him personally, but I highly doubt he is trying to make you feel guilty. I think he sees you are in a rough spot financially and maybe wants you to purchase only neccessities.
@housebee: Yes in the ways I’ve mentioned. Like paying for little bits and essentials for me. I just feel like he begrudges paying for me for ANYTHING. Like he’ll bring me my lunch home (I’m talking a sandwich or whatever) and I am grateful he does that (I’m not spoilt at all) but then the day after ill tell him about a dress I like or something for the house. He bring up the fact he bought me lunch the day before. I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive but I know if this were the other way around and he wasnt working at the moment cause of illness and I was working a full time job. I’d try and make him feel as good about himself as I could. He just seems so thoughtless sometimes.
And when I say a dress that’s just an example. I’m honestly not a massive clothes horse who EXPECTS presents allllll the time. But with him it’s never. And when he does. He’ll make me feel guilty
@housebee: agreed. Generosity is important to me in both actions and words. I am a very generous person and never hold it over anyone’s head. My FH is the same, but people that are stingy with money really get on my nerves. I had a friend cover a drink for me because he bumped into me and spilled it, and despite the fact that I know for certain that FH and I have bought this man dinner before, he will not drop the fact that he bought me a drink once. A drink to replace the one he spilled on a silk dress that was consequently ruined.
OP, if you have been with this man for 6 years and he is not there for you to lean on him in your time of need, then you need to speak to him about this. He may be buying you food, but if he’s making you feel guilty and is not generous with his spirit, then what’s the point of having a significant other? He needs to take care of your tangible and intangible needs, in the same way that you took care of him in the past.
@housebee: yeah I’ve explained this to him a few times. I just feel like here I am struggling on benefits (through no fault of my own. I’ve worked since I was 17. Just at the moment I’m obviously suffering with depression)
hes making around £2000 a month now and won’t offer to pay for amything for me. And like I said when he DOES pay it is after I asked. Never after he’s offered. AND he will hold it over my head.
@Princesslaylaxo: Oh wow….I can’t imagine my FI ever being this way. He makes a lot more than me and he will often help me out with spending money, but he never expects me to pay him back. He also regularly gives me any extra money he has after bills are paid to spend as I please, again with no expectation that I am to pay him back at all. I dunno…I guess we both see it as OUR money. I mean, we are getting married and will be husband and wife after all.
Your FI seems to have an attitude of: what’s mine is mine. I would be troubled by that since you are engaged to be married and every part of your life should be shared. I would resent my FI if he treated me like this. Sorry.
If I wanted something relatively inexpensive and my FI said, “well you’ll have to save up then” I would have a big problem with that. Frankly I’d be pissed. I’m not a child. I would probably look at him and say, “well you didn’t have a problem when I paid for everything when you were in school.”
I would understand if you were shopping out of control or something, but geez. What is going to happen when you’re married? He’s going to give you a little allowance or have to approve all of your purchases? My FI and I may not be married yet but we share a home and bills. It is OUR money, not mine or his.