Fiancé makes me feel guilty about spending money on me

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
8387 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Princesslaylaxo:  Is he good to you in other ways?  From what you’ve posted, if my husband were to act like that, I probably wouldn’t be with him.  However, take my opinion with a grain of salt because my husband pays for everything and loves doing it (he works, I stay at home).

Post # 4
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Princesslaylaxo:  I would be worried about the long term. What are you guys going to do if you have kids?

If you only make 500/month, does it make financial sense to put them in daycare? If you stay home with them, will he hold paying for groceries over your head?

Post # 5
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Princesslaylaxo:  Nobody likes gifts or help with strings attached…is there any chance he’s stressed about you not having a job right now and is trying to play it safe with money? That was the first thing that popped into my head: if I lost my job right now and was on benefits, my FI wouldnt be down with me buying dresses :-/

I dont know him personally, but I highly doubt he is trying to make you feel guilty. I think he sees you are in a rough spot financially and maybe wants you to purchase only neccessities.

Post # 8
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@housebee:  agreed. Generosity is important to me in both actions and words. I am a very generous person and never hold it over anyone’s head. My FH is the same, but people that are stingy with money really get on my nerves. I had a friend cover a drink for me because he bumped into me and spilled it, and despite the fact that I know for certain that FH and I have bought this man dinner before, he will not drop the fact that he bought me a drink once. A drink  to replace the one he spilled on a silk dress that was consequently ruined. 

OP, if you have been with this man for 6 years and he is not there for you to lean on him in your time of need, then you need to speak to him about this. He may be buying you food, but if he’s making you feel guilty and is not generous with his spirit, then what’s the point of having a significant other? He needs to take care of your tangible and intangible needs, in the same way that you took care of him in the past.

Post # 10
8387 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I just feel like he begrudges paying for me for ANYTHING

@Princesslaylaxo:  Have you tried telling him this?  I don’t think it’s fair for him to get something for you, then holding it over your head later on.

Post # 12
2081 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Princesslaylaxo:  Oh wow….I can’t imagine my FI ever being this way. He makes a lot more than me and he will often help me out with spending money, but he never expects me to pay him back. He also regularly gives me any extra money he has after bills are paid to spend as I please, again with no expectation that I am to pay him back at all. I dunno…I guess we both see it as OUR money. I mean, we are getting married and will be husband and wife after all. 

Your FI seems to have an attitude of: what’s mine is mine. I would be troubled by that since you are engaged to be married and every part of your life should be shared. I would resent my FI if he treated me like this. Sorry.

Post # 14
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

But he WILL bring it up for ages afterwards.

If my FI/DH held a simple dinner above my head for “ages” I would probably tell him to shove off after a while. You have depression and a situation you cannot control yet as of now.
However, I can see his point if you are buying makeup, hairdye, and wanting dresses. I know the dresses was one example, but if you are hard up for money, you should only be spending it on the necessities and making an effort to save and pay him back otherwise. If I had to rely on my FI to pay for my stuff, I wouldn’t be buying extras. He shouldn’t be making you feel bad for it by holding it above your head, but he should be helping to educate you on financial situations and make you realize that you need to save rather than spend.

Post # 16
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If I wanted something relatively inexpensive and my FI said, “well you’ll have to save up then” I would have a big problem with that. Frankly I’d be pissed. I’m not a child. I would probably look at him and say, “well you didn’t have a problem when I paid for everything when you were in school.”

I would understand if you were shopping out of control or something, but geez. What is going to happen when you’re married? He’s going to give you a little allowance or have to approve all of your purchases? My FI and I may not be married yet but we share a home and bills. It is OUR money, not mine or his.

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