Fiance refuses to plan anything before money saved…

posted 3 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

Does he not understand that you need to do some planning to come up with a budget? That seems like the case, and I think you should spell it out to him in all caps.

Also, do you have any sort of idea of how much money he’s trying to save? Or how much is possible to save in a short time period? If so, I would use your lowest estimate of that number and then go on your merry way planning to see what’s possible.

And if you know all about his finances, you could even determine what would be possible for him to save without actually asking him and go through that with him. You could tell him that given his salary and normal spending during the month, you think he should be able to save $X per month, and combined with $X per month that you are able to save that would be a starting point. I feel like he has no idea how any of this works, so as much as you can do to show him will be helpful. Also you could let him know that you don’t have to pay all of it upfront – could that be something he’s worried about? Make sure he knows that there are down payments and that he can continue to save for the final payments after everything is planned.

Post # 4
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@Iowegian:  Maybe sit down and explain to him the logistics and timeline of wedding planing.

He may not realize that
1) you have to book venues/vendors in advance
2) you have to notify guests in advance 
3) many vendors on require deposits and then full payment on the day/week of

Given this type of timeline, you could save the money leading up until the wedding and if you are on track with it, can pay it off when the day arrives.

Post # 5
Member
4163 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Have you shared any wedding time lines or budget sheets with him? I know that the knot has a checklist which might be helpful.

Speaking as one who had a six-month engagement, depending on your location, you’re going to find few Saturdays (if that’s your preference) available. Guest list and venue selection needs to be top on your to do list. Even if you we’re planning on an at-home wedding, you and your guests need more than a month. He may not realize either that vendors get booked in advance, it takes time to order your dress and the Bm dresses, etc.

Post # 6
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Maybe you should force him to start calling venues and vendors and ask them what Saturdays in June/July/August they have available, and ask how many of them think they could do a summer wedding on a month’s notice. Or you could ask him why he proposed if he’s so worried about not having the money for a wedding, but that’s probably too confrontational.

Post # 7
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Iowegian:  I would call venues and vendors and put together a series of budgets (high, low, mid-range) and then show him those numbers, talk to your parents, and get the ball rolling.

I personally would never plan a wedding and put down deposits until I was 100% sure of where the money was coming from either (like, checks in hand from parents, and a savings plan that didn’t jeopardize our 6-month emergency fund).  But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t figure out a budget and have some ideas so you know how much you need to save!

Post # 8
Hostess
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Me & my fi are doing a pay-as-you-go type thing. We didn’t save any money, but almost all of our extra money is being applied to the wedding.

It’s really not as bad as it sounds.. because we have around $1500 left each month to apply to it.

Our tax refunds will also help alot.

I would find a way to talk to your fi about it.. you really don’t want to last until the last minute.

Post # 9
Member
2429 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I would rough estimate a guest count and start emailing potential venues about costs.  Then after you have some numbers from a few places and what dates are available, I’d sit down and have a realistic budget conversation.  Figure out how much you guys can save each month and how much you want to spend depending on if you like any of the venues or what type of wedding you want to have.  If you can get a rough budget estimate from him (saving x amount in so much time) you can start planning a little more.  Most things (venue, caterer, DJ, photographer) wanted a deposit when you book them but didn’t want final payment until a month or less before the wedding, so there is time to save while still planning.

Post # 10
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think he has no concept what organising a wedding entails. I think at the very least you should talk to him again and ask what kind of budget he has in mind and what kind of wedding he has in mind (at the very least whetger he wants a big or a small wedding)

Post # 11
Member
1014 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

@bmo88:  +1000!!! See what his knowledge is about wedding planning and explain a little bit 🙂

Post # 12
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2014

My husband was kind of the same. We knew we were going to get married on Jan 1 because it was our dating anniverary also, so it was just a matter of this year or next year. I told him if we did not have venue, etc booked by the beginning of summer at latest then it would probably have to be next year because nothing would be available. Once he realized he did not want to wait that long (your FI already knows this) he settled on a date and helped me go see things to book them.

Post # 13
Member
2535 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

as has been said you need to explain planning 

I got married in 5 months and if I could

do it over again I would give myself at least 3 more months to plan if not like a year! 

 

But it I think you also need to respect his wishes to save – although. I am

confusee why he asked if he wasnt ready right now! That

confuses me

 

Post # 15
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Another vote for “he’s just clueless”. Explain it to him backwards, starting with his goal of a 6 month engagement. 6 months from now is June. He wants to get married in June. Awesome! Then explain that the good venues, caterers, and photographers tend to book up a year in advance. So if he wants to get married 6 months from now, these are vendors that you need to book ASAP. Then explain that, in order to choose a venue that will actually fit the people you both want to invite (and factor in people your parents will want to invite since they are financially contributing), you need to establish a guest list. When you start with the end goal and then backtrqack to establish smaller goals, he might start to understand how much work goes into event planning and be more willing to discuss things and make plans.

If he still wants to have all of his contribution saved up first, then you may just need to be patient. Some people are like that with money. If this is a big problem for you, then use this situation as an opportunity to explore your individual relationships with money, your money management styles, etc. and then start working on a plan for how you two will function as a financial unit once you are married. Money differences can be a huge source of friction in a marriage, so it’s best to irn out these issues ahead of time.

Post # 16
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

FI may just not realize how this all works. What you need to do is just sit him down and have a frank conversation with him. Let him know that you need him to get on board with planning and that some of it needs to be done before he can get money together. Tell him your family will help but needs details.  Tell him everything plainly and then force him to get on board. If he still won’t cooperate tell him you’ll plan without him but you’d rather not.

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