Post # 1
My fiance says he doesn’t want kids and has no desire to be a parent. I already have a son from a previous relationship but I want at least one more child. We have discussed the children issue countless times. And he keeps saying he doesn’t understand why I would want more kids. We formed an agreement that when we are financially stable that then it will be okay to have a child. I am afraid even then if we have a child he may not be happy because he didn’t want any children. It is a deal breaker for me.
Post # 2
kiwi2014: If he doesn’t want kids and you do then sorry but your relationship is doomed. Either way someone is going to live in resentment.
If he doesn’t have any desire to be a parent then he really shouldn;t be with someone who already has a child because as a step parent you kind of have to parent to some degree.
Post # 3
I’m confused, I don’t see where an agreement was reached. He doesn’t want to be a parent and you do.. It sounds as though he said that to appease you. If he has no desire to be a parent, having more money won’t change that.
I strongly believe couples should discuss their views on children before becoming engaged, because having different opinions on something so major makes you incompatible. Good luck.
Post # 4
j_jaye: I agree with this 100%.
Post # 5
kiwi2014: I agree with PPs – this is one of those things that just isn’t going to work out in the long-term. For me, if my FI didn’t want to have kids, it would be a dealbreaker. It just wouldn’t be something I could accept and live with. I also wouldn’t want my FI to have a child with me just to make me happy – that is not a recipe for a healthy relationship, and your future child will definitely be able to tell that his father resents him. I’m sorry, but if having another child is really important to you, I don’t think your relationship will be able to survive this.
Post # 6
Unfortunatley in a relationship, being on the same page about having kids is a must. If you both have different desires in this field, you’re really not compatible. Somone will always have resentment, no matter what.
Post # 7
kiwi2014: How old is he? What is his job/financial status? Could he be afraid of having kids? My FI seemed very anti-kids a while back but since we’ve been engaged and we’ve become more financially sound as a couple, he’s coming around to it “in a few years”. Just saying, people can change.
Post # 8
kiwi2014: if he has well formed ideas about not having any biological children, then I think coming to an “agreement” to appease you may blow up in your face at a later date.
My FI has a good friend who didn’t want children but came around to the idea after being married for 5+ years. He is a bad dad. It’s horrible to watch and it’s been hard to remain his friend. He works late so he can avoid going home, he only wants to do the fun things with his child when he does spend time with her, and he holds a lot of resentment towards his wife.
Post # 9
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
OP, there’s no compromising on this one. He doesn’t want kids. It sounds like through “countless” discussions, you’ve beaten him down to agreeing that maybe once you’ll financially stable you might have one – but that doesn’t mean he’ll ever want kids. It just means that he’ll feel resentful of you not respecting his choices and of the kid for appearing when he didn’t want one, and you’ll feel resentful because he’s not an involved father because he was incredibly clear about not wanting to have kids in the first place and you refused to accept that for some reason.
End the relationship, now, before bringing a helpless child into an intractable situation.
Post # 10
BurlapnLace: he is almost 37 and I am almost 29. Right now we both have our own businesses so we are both very busy. I told him maybe in a few years I would be ready to have another child. He often tell me wouldn’t it be easier to date someone who is more enthusiastic about having children.
Post # 11
Don’t assume he will change his mind, he probably won’t. My ex H always said he didn’t want children. 3 years into our marriage I got pregnant (2 forms of birth control failed). My ex H’s first words when I told him were ‘when are you having the abortion’.
I notice alot of women coming on here and trying to ‘work out’ what ‘the meaning’ is behind something their man has told them….as if there is some ‘hidden’ meaning. There never is. What they say is what they mean.
Post # 12
He tells you to date someone that wants children?? Well there’s your answer. He’s not going to change his mind.
Post # 13
I think people can change their minds about havings kids, I really do. In fact, I have changed my mind about it. However, I think it’s one of those things that you shouldn’t try to change and you need to believe your partner’s preference about it NOW (even though it could change). It’s obviously not one of those things you want to pressure, coerce, or persuade as it’s far too important/serious of a commitment.
All you can control is you. If you decide you can’t live without having more children, then you two shouldn’t be together. If you can live without it then you could potentially work it out so long as you really, truly believe that and don’t subconsciously (or consciously) pressure/guilt him about it.
I too think this is a bit unusual considering you already have a child — clearly he is a parent to some capacity already. However, parents are free to want to only have one child so that is still legit if he says I want no MORE children. You just need to decide if you can live with that or not.
Post # 14
- Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN
kiwi2014: Agree with PPs it aint gonna happen!
Post # 15
If he is telling you what he wants and doesn’t want, LISTEN TO HIM.